Day 50

I feel great! Very little body ache and I'm able to wake up!

Thank God because it's very important today. I have so much to do at work before we leave tomorrow. I hope I feel this way all day. :)

This is day 5 after my shot and I won't be taking another until Thursday night. I'm kind of excited that I'll have another almost 3 days of feeling half decent!

I am still a little concerned that I have to carry my inject ables onto the plane in the cooler. I hope I don't have any trouble with security. I don't know what I'll do it I do have trouble.

Tuesday we fly and land in Vegas at 1pm.

On Wed. we go to the Grand Canyon. We'll take a Limo past the Hover Damn and through a forest out to the West rim. We'll Helicopter down the the canyon floor and eat lunch. From there we pontoon boat down the Colorado river and meet back up with the Helicopter to go back up to the limo and then back to Vegas.

On Thursday Jimmy has 2 lectures. During the first one I plan to go on an excursion to get my hair cut. During the second one I'll take my shot and relax in the room.

On Friday, God willing, I have a class. I'm hoping that I feel up to it. I'll explain to the instructor that I may have to leave during it if I feel too bad.

On Saturday Jimmy has his class and I'll lounge around the resort for the day.

Sunday we have open and Monday we fly back home.

Outside of the Grand Canyon and my class, Vegas is going to be about rest and relaxation. I'm going to forget that the world back home exists. I just hope that the side effects stay easy on me and give me a few days to enjoy.

For today I still feel just ducky!

Day 49

I survived the trip to Frackville....and Jimmy's PT Cruiser survived also. My Daughter drove on the Interstate for the first time and while I was nervous....she actually did very well. (white knuckles and all)

I bought 3 pairs of jeans - size 4 :( , a new belt and 5 new tops. The walking through the store wiped me out and left me lounging around for the rest of the day. But after swallowing the Tylenol yesterday morning I felt good. Tuckered from shopping....but good.

Sunday is our lazy day. Jimmy spends the day recuperating from the long hours of Thursday - Sun. working 10am - 3 am. By Sunday he's wiped out. This week it's more so as he's having to get as much of next weeks work done as possible. The end of the month is not the best time of the month for us to take off o a vacation. But he's getting it handled. He always does.

Crystal, Cory and Jonathan are all home for Sunday Dinner and I actually feel good enough today to cook! I've been missing our Sunday dinners. They have always been my way of spending some time with the kids and I'm hoping that they'll stick over the years and our table size will grow with grandchildren. Tradition....I love it! I can remember Sunday dinner at my Grandma's house when I was little....I love those memories.

Speaking of memories...still I haven't heard from my Sister. It stays in the back of my mind and I'm sure that it always will. Her life must be good to her right now and for that I'm happy.

My Mother is going for an eye surgery on the first to repair a small whole in her cornea. She's nervous but she'll do well.

I wish life had been different for my family. I wish I could have had the family that my children have today.

Just wasn't in the stars I guess or is it just my bad luck?

No matter what, my children will always know my love and the love of each other.

Today Ducky is my friend.

Day 48

My miserable mood remained pretty much all day yesterday, although I tried to keep it to myself. I never can tell if I pull it off.

Work is frustrating me. It's hard because my body isn't feeling well but my mind knows what needs to be done. That combination in itself is frustrating, but I take it easy.

There are 4 of us in the office, Susan, Craig, Steve and myself. I used to handle all of the orders coming in with confirmations and then entering them into our system. Somehow that job has disappeared from my desk and I find it hard to walk away from it. I also have a hard time with the idea that it just disappeared.

Susan also tries very hard to keep me sitting at my desk as much as possible and I know that Craig is trying very hard not to give me the little everyday tasks that he would usually give me.

They are working so hard at trying to make my work load and chemo manageable that I feel guilty not carrying my own load after all of these years.

They are all so wonderful to me.....and I know I've been sick....I also know that I am playing a constant game of catch up in the job duties that I still retain because of time that I've missed, the move into our new office and my setting up of the network and the new computer, but still I miss my everyday regular tasks. If I where not on this tx I would have been able to handle it all. It's very frustrating to me not to carry my own weight.

Susan calls it pride. I don't think so.. I think it's breaking a way of life for me. I've always worked hard and I've always tried to keep a positive outlook on work even when the work seemed overbearing. For me it's very hard to not forge through a heavy work load with the belief that I'll get through it. It's hard to walk away from it rather than working through it. It frustrates me and will be the one thing that will cause me to take my first Zoloft.

I'm going to start when we get back from Vegas.

I know that this is only for 40 more weeks and then I'll be able resume my full duties (If my job is still there). 40 weeks just seems so far away.

I realize that it's not like I have any choice in the matter....but it is just one more side effect of this tx. Life has changed so much and that change is so hard for me, but I know it has to be and I am blessed with having people in my life like Susan. She is and has been the Sister that I never was able to find.

This morning I woke up feeling so much better than the past 2 days. A little worn feeling and slightly sore, but so much better than I have been. The Tylenol will take the little pains away from the day and I'll be good to go.

My Daughter and I have to go to the High School this morning so that she can present her Senior Project to the panel of Teachers. This is a pretty big day for her as she con not Graduate this year without the boards approval on the project.

She chose to write a book for her project. 11 chapters long and full of laughter and tears. It's a story about a teenager who is a "cutter" and ultimately winds up in a rehad. It's an awesome book and I'm so proud of her for completing it. She truly is a writer. I wish she would choose to continue her education in journalism.....but to date she hasn't made up her mind on that.

After she does her presentation she's going to drive me to the Frackville Mall so that we can get some shopping done for our trip to Vegas. I've fallen from a size 7 to a size 4 and I no longer own clothing that doesn't hang off of me.

She excited about driving as she hasn't really been able to do it much since she got her permit and I've been sick. Her older brother has taken her out, but her father has a new car and refuses to let her drive it yet. It's too big anyway and it would freak her out.

Me on the other hand can't seem to handle leaving my own back yard so this should be very interesting. A kid who has just started driving with a half retarded parent who becomes confused and lost easily! LOL God help anyone between Hazleton and Frackville today!

For today I'm starting to feel Ducky again.

This is the back of a leather jacket that I painted. I don't think that there are too many paintings that I've done where I smiled and chuckled all the way through! I loved painting this not only because of the characters but also because the whole painting was done using nothing more than Black and white paint. Not drop of anything else. Not to mention that painting on leather is a challenge of it's own! I actually hated giving this jacket to it's owner when I was done.

I love Donald Ducks evil look as he watches bugs. (if you can see it....the photo is not so great!)

Day 47

Ok, so everything is sore.

Whatever....

I thought that by the time I woke up this morning that my body wouldn't hurt anymore. That's not in the stars for the day. I'll take some Tylenol and hopefully this will go away soon.

To top it off I now have an alien growing on my lip!

I must have ran a fever in my sleep on shot night because I felt it yesterday morning and it just kept growing from there.

I hate fever blisters!

To top it all off, my scalp is driving me nuts! It itches and itches!

I could actually deal with the fact that my hair is breaking off and falling out everywhere. I can't stand my scalp itching all the time. I try not to scratch because I don't want my hair to fall out faster....but there are times that I can help it!

I'm stopping at the drug store tonight to get a hot oil treatment and I think I'll sleep with it in my hair overnight wrapped up in a towel. Something has to help!

So just in case no ones figured it out yet.....yes, I woke up miserable.

I can defiantly tell you that the study drug has a lot to do with my side effects. Now that they're increased back to full dosage , my side effects are coming back full force also. I just hope that the Nueprogen and Procrit hold up and are able to take care of my blood counts.

4 more days and we get to escape. I'm keeping focused on that.

I hope that I my sides follow the same pattern as before they reduced me. Well, not in severity but in longevity.

Before they reduced me I was feeling like crap day 1 and day 2 after my shot. By day 3 I'd pull out of it. Day 4 would be ruff and then I pull out of it again until my next shot.

If that holds true, I should start feeling better by tomorrow. And then, other than maybe feeling down on Sunday (day 4), I should have clean sailing until shot day on Thursday night. Moving the shot each day to bring me back to Friday Night shots should give me an extra bonus day of feeling good.

My fingers are crossed.

They're also crossed that this gets better over the long run......I can't help but think of the 40 more weeks to go. I just might be starting the Zoloft after Vegas.

G.D. Duck! He's not very reliable.

Day 46 - Shot 6

I got a call from Hershey yesterday. They've re-upped my dosages.

I knew I was feeling too good!

They've put my Study drug back up to full force and they said that they'll be increasing my pegasys back up to 100 units after we get home from Vegas. They kept that at 75 units for now.

So last night I had close to the whole shi-bang. Full Study Drug, 75 untis Pegasys, 100 units Nuepogen, 100 units Procrit and 400 mg Ribavirin.

One thing is for sure, the study drug must be causing a lot of my sides. I woke up this morning with my whole body feeling sore. All my joints ache and I've got that really wiped out feeling again. eeeerrrrrr - Feels like a Major Flu!

At least there's no drummer boy!

I'm thinking that it's mostly the study drug because last week I had the same dosage of pegasys and I didn't feel half this bad. The only thing that's different this week is that the Study Drug is full force.

But then again, who knows, this stuff has a mind of it's own and dishes out pain in whatever manner it feels like.

I'll grab some tylenol and try to shake it off.

On a possitive note, my boxes at work are all finally unpacked and my desk looks beautiful!

I still have the network to work the kinks out the patch panel and my Boss has a new PC that I have to get set up and placed on the network.....but the really hard part is over!

Somehow through the years I became Pro-Tec's I.T. person. I never minded because it always gave me a challenge and took me away from the regular ho hum everyday work. I was always proud that I could understand it and make it all work.

The way that I feel today though, I think I'll be sticking to my regular job. The network and PC might have to wait for my return from Vegas.

Ducky has abandoned me for at least today......but at least I had a taste of what feeling good was like for a few days there!

day 45

Well.....still feeling good!

Yesterday was our "Move in day" for our new office. I had run the network and I thought I had it all set up to be able to just plug and play. In the back of my mind something told me that it never ever works that way, but I had been so sick over the past few weeks that I just didn't get the time to test any of it.

Low and behold the network failed when we hooked up. Took me 2 hours to get us all up and running and even then I don't have it set up properly. But since we are at least up and running, I now have time to take my time to set it up right. I think my patch panel may be bad. I don't know....I'll just have to play with it.

Our office is beautiful and our new furniture is even more beautiful! I have boxes everywhere and I need to unpack before I jump back into fixing the network up and before I take off for Vegas in 6 days.

Just getting the few things accomplished that I did yesterday totally wiped me out last night! I can't believe how tired and drained a little activity can make me!

Tonight is shot night as I am moving the shot out 1 day each week to get it back to Friday night. I get the wonderful experience of doing all 3 shots tonight! Pegasys, Nuepogen and Procrit.

My poor tummy will be nice and bruised for sun bathing next week!

Part of me hates the idea of shot night tonight because today I almost feel "normal" waking up. I dread the idea of ruining that. It always seems like shot night comes on the day that I'm starting to feel the best!

But I'll stop whinning now because I know that the little son of a bitch is getting his ass kicked!

My friends, Terry and Denise are at the end of their tx! Denise is doing her last shot today (WooHoo!!) and Mr. Terry only has 16 days to go!!!

Terry has been one of my greatest mentors throughtout this little adventure. He and his beautiful Magda have kept me on track and have given Jimmy and I so much strength by sharing their experiences with us. 16 days left for him....I can't imagine what that must feel like! The finish line in a little more than 2 weeks! Wow!

You Go Terry!

Day 44

Viral Load - Still Undetectable!! Wooo Hooo!

This Dragon ain't comin' back!

Blood Counts:
WBC 1.1

Haemoglobin 7.7

Platelet 39

Neutrophils .18

AST 15

ALT 17

ANC .30

It's getting better! And I'm feeling better each day :)

After Hershey we stopped in Frackville at a Mall that my Daughter and I will be going back to this Saturday for some clothes shopping.

Jimmy and I found our new pillows at Sears and with him along I made sure I bought them this time! lol

Walking the Mall was a bit of a challenge. Starting out I didn't think I'd have a problem, but once I made it all the way across the damn thing I was ca put! I ran out of steam and Jimmy had to go for the car to pick me up. I just couldn't make it all the way back again. Talk about feeling like I'm 90!

I hope the walking gets better before we go to Vegas because Vegas tends to be a lot of walking. We'll just have to take our time and stroll. :)

Jimmy found a really cool Grand Canyon excursion. It's a Drive past Hover Damn, A Helicopter into the canyon, Lunch, a Pontoon boat ride down the river and then Helicopter back out of the Canyon ending with a drive back to Vegas! Eight hour trip - no real physical work! Sounds so wonderful!

I can't wait! One more week and we'll be there! Out of all of the vacations that we've taken, this is the one vacation that I need the most. Time to get away and try to forget all of this craziness.

One more note....I took all of your and Jimmy's advise and I told Hershey about the "Lightening" effect that I saw on Saturday. I'm glad that I did because it turns out that what I had experienced may have been a type of seizure from my blood counts still being low. I was told to listen more to my body. I guess I should have waited for another day to transplant my Ti plant because I was very tired that day and I did push to get it accomplished. (I mean really! How hard could it be on me to transplant a plant!...who would have thought it would cause so much trouble!)

As my counts go back up it may never happen again. I hope not because it was a very strange and scary feeling not being able to see and to have my cheek bone to my temple go numb.

At least I had the brains to sit down immediately when it started. They think that sitting down lessened the severity of it and allowed it to pass. Although it's not like I had much choice....I couldn't really see much anyway! lol

Anyway, it hasn't happened again and I hope like hell it never does!

As for my hair that is all breaking off....Hershey doesn't think that I'll be able to stop it. They say it's from cell death. Still I think I can slow it down by cutting it shorter. I'm going to try when we go to Vegas.

Maybe if I don't have to comb through the full length of it or tie it up, I think I might be able to at least slow it down.

They kind of keep trying to remind me that once I'm done with all of the drugs, everything will go back to normal and my hair will come back.

It's ok, if it has to go then it has to go. Under normal circumstances my hair grows at an un-natural rate to begin with.....so growing it back shouldn't take long.

My bigger problem is trying to find a way to stop my scalp from itching! It drives me nuts! I'm stopping at the drug store tonight to see what I can find.

Today I feel Great again. (knock on wood)

I have good news - viral load still undetectable, I don't hurt and I am awake! Somewhat tired, but awake!

So yes.....once again I feel Ducky!

Day 43

I feel awesome!!!!!

I woke up this morning and no body aches! No Drummer Boy! Just a very itchy head. lol

Yep, my hair is starting to take a beating. We fly out to Vegas a week from tomorrow and I think I'm going to have it cut out there. It's breaking off all over the place anyway. I wonder what I'll look like with short hair, it's been so long since I cut it short last.

I'm going to go into a hair salon (one that has "hair artists") and tell them to just cut it short and make it fit my face. It's falling out and breaking off anyway and it'll grow back after tx.

Today is Hershey day. I have to pack everything up and take it with me so that they'll resupply me with fresh drugs.

I also have bloodwork today and I get my bloodwork from last week back.

I pray that my little fall didn't effect my undectable viral load! My fingers are crossed.

I'll post the results later when I'm back.

This Morning I Feel Like Super Duck!!!

(but I know that I can't over due the day or I will pay)

Day 42

Boy whats up with me sleeping in? 2 days in a row I slept in until 8:30. I got to stop doing that, I think it makes me feel more washed out from too much sleep. I really do not need 10 hours of sleep.

Yesterday was wonderful. I didn't have very much energy but I felt great. Tylenol took care of the body aches and I didn't hear from the drummer boy all day. Fatigue hung around but that was ok because I hung around the couch and catered to it. lol

One very weird thing happened though.I wanted to accomplish one thing for the day. I wanted to transplant my Ti plant into a bigger container since it grew out of the old one so much that it was literally popping out the top of the planter. I got it transplanted, but at one point I walked from one room into a shaded room and back again. When I made it back to the Kitchen I saw what look like lightening. Not a flash....this was almost as though it was imprinted into the left side of my eyes. It took all of my left sided peripheral vision away. I couldn't see past it. It was like I saw what you would see for a while after you looked at lightening...you know....that imprint?

Problem is that I hadn't seen anything bright. I had gone into a room that had the shades drawn and I had come out of that room into my kitchen. It took a good 15 - 20 minutes before I had my vision back. Long enough to start scaring the hell out of me.

Then you know my mind does the "Holly crap what was that" dance! Was it the drugs? Was it something else?

I'll wait to see if it happens again and if it does I'll tell Hershey about it.

Other than that The day was so wonderful. The kids where here and my Daughter made a Ham dinner all by herself complete with Mash potatoes with gravy, holiday beans and candied yams! YUMMY! She did an awesome job!

Poor kid had to go to work just as dinner was done cooking though. We packed her a plate to eat at her break.

Then my oldest Son made a Deep chocolate cake with fudge icing for desert and had it ready when Crystal got off of work!

Athena came over for the afternoon to clean and she brought the Baby. Cory is such a beautiful baby. He smiles and coo's all the time. He's so happy. He hung out with me on the couch all afternoon and even took a nap on my chest for a while.

God I absolutely Love being a Grandmother! He's going to be soooo spoiled rotten!

Athena can't wait for him to start walking and talking. I can remember being like that. Me...now...I just want to soak up every moment I can get with him and hold it there for a while because I know she's going to turn around and he'll be a man before she knows it.

Yesterday was so cool.

Jimmy got off of work at around 5 am and climbed into bed. He had a long day yesterday. Kelly (The very best bartender in the world) had Easter party for the customers yesterday. LOL....she had them wearing bunny ears, coloring eggs and she through them an Easter Egg Hunt. She knows how to wind them all up and have a blast!

Jimmy's day started out slammed in the kitchen and then went to a busted toilet....after that he pretty much had one thing after the other. Poor guy crawled upstairs last night and will spend the day with me recuperating.

Still, he never skips a beat....with all of his running and working yesterday he still found time to get me an Easter present and card. :)

I now am the proud owner of my very own dancing and singing Ducky! (and lots of chocolate too!)

Today I am Very Ducky! :) and by the way....I am always spoiled! lol

Day 41

I went looking for pillows yesterday. It was the first time that I've been out and about in almost a full month. It was nice, but like an ass, by the time the day was done I over did it a little bit and found myself eating Tylenol laying on the couch early in the evening.


What stinks is that it's made me realize that my brain is not working right. I went by myself to Wilkes-Barre and I got lost trying to find Pier 1 Imports. Took me half an hour before I pulled over totally confused. I couldn't think straight.....hell I couldn't think right or left either. At one point I couldn't even think of the name Pier 1 Imports....lol.....so I couldn't even stop too ask directions! I was lost but I knew where I was....I just didn't know how to go from here to there.


This isn't Brain Fog, this is Brain Retardation!


Finally after sitting there staring at the road and the cars going by something finally clicked in and it all came back to me. I wonder if that's what it feels like to have Alzheimer's? Man did that suck!


Anyway, I found Pier 1 Imports, I had never been in there before and I hated the whole store! Most everything in there either looked cheap or looked like an "Out of Africa" type of style. Lots of animal prints and long wooden face masks. Also a lot of wraught iron stuff. I would have done better at a garage sale. I did find a really cool glass vase....yeah right....a cool $52 for a 12 inch mass produced blown glass vase! Are they out of their ever loving minds!


I stopped in at Target. No pillows that I liked there either. I did find 2 nice leather looking 3 ring binders for the new office, so at least I didn't walk away empty handed. I also bought a nice tank top...plain but a nice teal color (like I don't look pale enough)


From there I went to Bed Bath and Beyond. I found the stuff I've been looking for to clean our wood floors. I also found Scotch Guard for my new off white area rug at work (boy that stuff is hard to find now a days!). I looked at their pillows there and I liked these four pillows that I saw....but I got another brain fart and for some really really stupid reason I didn't buy them! What is Wrong with my Brain!!!!!!!


Now I'll have to take another ride all the way back to Wilkes-Barre just to buy the pillows that I know I should have bought while I was there! Or maybe Jimmy and I can stop in Hershey and find something there on Monday while we go to see the Doc.


For now I think I'll just stick to driving around here locally. I think I maybe kind of dangerous driving out of the area on my own as I had way too many horns honking at me during my little adventure.


Chemo brain has found me and it took a trip out in the world by myself to realize it. I felt like I was in the twilight zone even on the interstate. 70 miles per hour one minute and then realizing that I was going 45 the next minute. Not being able to decide on a lane and then realizing that I wanted to turn right.... but I'm in the left lane.


Jimmy would have freaked! lol


Anyway, my body really aches today but no drummer boy.


I don't seem to have chemo brain too much as long as I'm in my own element...so that's a good thing.


Other than that...


I still feel Ducky!!!!! :)





P.S. Rose please read my note to you under yesterdays comments

Day 40

Woke up late this morning. I can't believe that I actually slept until almost 8 am!

I feel Great! I really feel Great!

Only an ever so slight body ache and tight muscles in my neck.....but that could be my age lol.

I'm headed out shopping later this morning. I won't over due it, but I need a new set of pillows for my couch (I've worn the old ones out over the past 4 weeks) and I also want to shop for my new office at work. We have an addition that we added on to our building and we now have a brand-dee-new office complete with brand-dee-new furniture. It looks awesome and I don't want to ruin the look of my new desk by putting my old junk on it. We move in on Tuesday and now that I'm feeling better, I'm excited!

I still haven't started the Zoloft. Even though I was crying all the time for the past couple of weeks, I knew it was just because I was feeling so completely aweful. I knew that once I felt better my mind would feel better too and I do.

The kids will be home this weekend. Jonathan (my oldest) will be in from Maryland. Crystal and Cory will be here and Athena will be over tomorrow with the baby. It will be a nice day.

I hope I continue feeling good throughout the long Holiday weekend. I'll take it easy and I won't over due it.

I found Ducky!!

Happy Easter Everyone!

:)

Day 39

The Body aches got the better of me yesterday afternoon along with the tune the drummer boy who has been playing on my neck and I wound up coming home to spend a few minutes with Jimmy and then off to bed.

It seems that I'm starting to have some very strange dreams. When I wake up I can't really remember the dream, but I know something pissed me off. 3am this morning I woke up and had to get out of bed because I was agravated. Although I couldn't remember the dream in whole I could remember that I was trying do something in my garden and someone kept trying to get me to stop by pulling at my arm. Silly I know...but it woke me up angry.

This morning I am sore. My body aches from the drugs but it's waking up. (or was I fighting that much in my dream?)

My friend Rose, who is in the same trial that I'm in but on the West Coast, is doing very well. She has side effects but I think it sounds like she's getting through them as they come. They've reduced her study drug already because her WBC began to fall. All and all she sounds so good.

It's nice to know someone else who's in this trial and we started only a few weeks apart so we'll be going through this pretty much together.

Well today is the last of this work week. Good Friday tomorrow, then the weekend and Hershey on Monday. I'll be a couch potato for 3 days and a car potato on Monday.Somewhere along the line I hope to loose the aches that seem to be hanging on me and hopefully my neck lets up sooner or later.

I can't wait to go to Vegas. I think I'm going to spend a full day at the spa. I could really use a message to help with these painful muscles and joints.

I suppose I've thrown my body totally out of wack with these drugs. I bombarded my body to the point of shut down. Then I stopped. Now I'm bombarding it again, just not as harshly since they've adjusted the drugs and are slowly reintroducing the Riba. But still my body is complaining.

I'm sure that sooner or later I'll readjust again and get used to it. But for now.....

Yes, I'm still looking for Ducky.

Day 38

Ok ! I feel like a pin cushion! lol

I re-started the interferon last night along with 1 Riba.

I injected the Procrit and Neupregen this morning. Boy Does That Stuff Sting!!!!!

I have 2 study drugs and a Riba to swallow yet and that's it.....I'm back to turning my blood into sewage.

The interferon actually wasn't too bad to me this time. I woke up at around 3 am with what felt like a massive cold. Body ached, Sneezing, coughing, sinus' where full. But then I went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning with a baby drummer boy and I grabbed a Tylenol. Half an hour later it was gone.

Now I just feel a little washed out, but I feel very good.

Yesterday at work I felt mentally great! Sure I was tired and walking slow but it was so nice to feel alive after more than a week wiped out on my couch with no one allowed in my house while my WBC was gone. I just felt so good.

Today I might even find Ducky if the body aches and drummer boy can leave me alone all day(I'll keep the Tylenol close by). If not I'll come home early......we'll see.

Here Ducky Ducky Ducky! Where are you?

Day 37

I don't usually dream. But when I do it's usually the same nightmare that I've had for years. For some reason (that I think is Jimmy) that nightmare has been gone for the past 2 years. I was afraid of it coming back when I started tx. I was afraid to dream.

This morning I woke up dreaming. Actually yelling. It wasn't that same ole dream....I was fighting. I don't know who I was fighting with but boy did they make me mad! lol

I woke up yelling and woke Jimmy up in the process. It was invigorating. Once I was awake I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I actually felt kind of good waking up! Adrenalin....what a wonderful little "cup of coffee"!

Now that I'm up, my body feels a little washed out, weak and my back aches a little....but I still feel so much better than I have been! I can't wait to hear from Hershey how much the transfusion pushed my blood count up to.

I am going into work today. Everyone seems to have mixed feelings about that, but I don't. I'll take it easy. I'll go slow. I'll eat and I'll take care of myself. But I have got to go to work today.

My WBC is back up and the transfusion should have brought me out of danger.

I know that there are other jobs and I know that Jimmy and I could survive without my job. But that's not what I want.....it's not what I need. I've had this job for going on 10 years and I love the people that I work with. On the day that I leave this job it will be my choice and not a choice made because of this Dragon.

Besides, not only do I have a desk job, but I only have 3 days to left to the work week as Good Friday is this Friday and a Holiday.

Today is good....today I get to start getting back to life.

Today I have climbed over the top edge of the dark hole that I fought to get out of for the past 2-1/2 weeks. I am tired.

Now if I can just figure out where the hell Ducky ran off to while I was down there!

Day 36

9:50 pm
Finally home from Hershey 12 hours later and feeling better now than I have in better than 2 weeks.

I wound up with a 2 unit blood transfusion and hopefully after this, the nupregen and the procrit can keep my levels in check. They wanted me to restart the inerferon tonight but by the time I was done with the transfusion they couldn't get a new CBC done fast enough to get the answer to me tonight....so I'll probably start tomorrow night instead. Part of me is glad because I'd like to have a day to enjoy before jumping back into it. They need my platelets to go above 20 (they where at 16 before the transfusion) before I restart tx.

I've been through hell....I think I've seen the worst of it and now it's time to get started again....I know.

I am scared but I'm also more determined now to kill this little bastard! I will win....I know I will.

Bed time for Bonzo. I may not feel exactly Ducky But I almost do!

Good night all and God Bless.

Yesterday, midmorning, brought the drummer boy back. For some reason he decided to use my eye's and upper neck for stumming. It took most of the morning to get im under control....but once I did I felt so much better.

I look in the mirror and still I seem so pale white, but Jimmy keeps telling me that I have much more color than I did a couple of days ago. Maybe I just didn't look at myself much a couple of days ago. Those days have become a fog.

I go to Hershey today. I'll find out then if they can give me a transfusion to quicken my recovery so that I can get back to tx.

Seems like a double edge sword. I'm more affraid of tx than ever before. But still I know I must complete it or all this pain has been for nothing. I just pray that when I go back that the procrit and nupregen will hold my levels and I won't have to face that deep dark hole again.

I'm just so scared.

I was given Zoloft for a A.D. but I have yet to start it. I know that it will take time to build up in my system once I start it....but I've shoved soooo many drugs into myself over the past week that I'm just not ready to add more and to be honest I don't think that my stomach is ready either.

I'm loosing weight still. 123 pounds last Monday and I know I'll have even less this week as the vomiting took most of what I tried eat for too many days.

I'm a train wreck and I know it....I look like hell. But I'm fighting to make it back.

I haven't heard from Rose for a lot of days now......How are you Rose? I think about you so often. I hope you are well.

I'll post later once I'm back from Hershey.

Enjoy your day everyone.

day 35

I feel like an old wash rag. Used, abused and in need of a good soaking.

But somehow I'm feeling better each day.There is no extra energy to go from here to there quickly, but at least I am able to make it from here to there! A couple of days ago I would have collapsed.

My brain is still not functioning right. Even as I type I find that I have to keep going back over each sentence as I miss letters or even comlete words.

Tomorrow is Hershey and if they want to give me the transfussion I'm taking it. I need to feel better....I have to feel better.

It's kind of messed up that a transfussion started all of this and now I'm going full circle.

I'm thinking that if I get the tranfussion and continue the nupregen and procrit injections, maybe I'll be able to manage my blood levels throughout the remaining tx.

I pray that this is the case.

For now I'm getting stronger...

They sent me to my local hospital yesterday to get an updated blood count.

The Nupregen has done it's job well. My WBC has gone up to 6.1. :)

The Procrit has'nt kicked in. My Haemoglobin was at 7.8 on Monday and yesterday it's at 6.6. How can it be still falling?

Nurse Sandy is now talking blood transfusion for Monday if it doesn't start turning around.

At least I know why I feel so incrediably week and washed out.

My kids where supposed to be here this weekend and Athena was going to come to clean the house. But because of my levels Hershey and Jimmy have quarantined me. Now that my WBC is back up, I would like to change that but I just don't have the energy anyway.

Thankfully the Drummer boy has not come back. But I am finding it very hard to think straight. Simple things are exscaping me. Typing is very difficult.

Last night trying to fall asleep, the strangest thing kept happening. Have you ever gone to see a band and stood next to an amp when someone is working on it and it makes a loud pop? Well there was no band in my bedroom lastnight and as I was falling asleep I kept hearing that pop.

I'd start drifting off and "POP"! It shook me awake again. 4 or 5 times that loud electrical pop jolted me. I finally got up and grabbed some water. I sat up for a while trying to figure out if it was something bad and then went back to bed to see if it continued. It stopped and I slept through the night. Weird huh?

So far this morning I am drained.....at least I don't feel like I did a few days ago. My Haemoglobin may still be dropping, but at least the danger of infection isn't so dire.

Something is better.

Day 33

Last night the drummer boy thought that he would come for another short visit. But at least he didn't stay long. Sleep beat him at his own game.

This morning waking up is slow and walking is causing me to feel my heart beat in my brain. Sounds funny I know. It's not painful yet so I can't call it a headache. It's just a very loud boom boom boom boom boom. It's one of those things that you know will become painful if you don't sit down and get it to stop.

I'm getting better slowly...I know I am. I just wish it would come faster.

My mouth is a mess. But slowly getting better. My stomach is a mess, Sandy called it a sort of medicinal shock. So many drugs over such a short period of time has sent my stomach into vomiting episodes. (sorry it's gross)

I don't know why I didn't expect it. I feel like I'm eating the pharmacy every day. I've been reduced to clear liquids and ginger ale. Hopefully I can start eating something more substantial soon as my weight had dropped to 123 last Monday and I know it's even less today. I feel too skinny again and I absolutely hate it! It was one of my worst fears going into this and now all that I can do is hope that it begins to tapper off and that I can find a way to gain some of it back. For now my stomach is a traitor.

I go back to Hershey on Monday. They would have had me come today but I didn't get the Nupregen and Procrit injections fast enough for them to have time to make a big enough difference on my blood levels. They think that my levels should be better by Monday and Dr. Smith wants to see me then also.

It will be 2 weeks without Interferon and 1 week without Riba. I hope the virus has not made a come back. My own cells have not been surviving well in this cesspool of a body, hopefully neither have any viral cells. My fingers are crossed.

I'm getting better. I'm getting stronger. It's just coming so very slowly.

Day 32

Finally the evil drummer boy is gone. I don't know if the Tylenol did him in or the idea that I took an ibuprofin along with the Tylenol or if it is just simply the injections of Nupregin and Procrit. Whatever it is I am so very thankful that the pounding is gone in my head. It was beating me down with every hour.

I woke up this morning just as pastey white has I have been. I'm weak and very washed out. My body aches and moving is very tiring.

But I do feel better.

I have to make it in to work just for a couple of hours to do the payroll. I'll wear the surgical mask like the Doc. said and I won't do anything more than to get peoples pay checks ready for them. Today is their payday...I will not let them down. With the drummer boy gone I can deal with it.

After that I'll come home and go back to bed.

I'm getting better. I know that I am. It just feels like I've fallen into some deep dark hole and now I'm slowly climbing my way back out of it.

I don't ever want to go back there again....

Day 31

FedEx is supposed to deliver the drugs today. Thank God because there is no more color left in my body, everythin hurts and the drummer boy will not stop. He's evil and relentless. I just can't take his beating anymore.

Dear God please let FedEx get here as early as he possibly can.

Day 30

I guess it's not so easy to get a Nupregen and Procrit. Our pharmacy can't order it and it has to come to the house via a courier. It won't be here for 24 to 48 hours from yesterday. So I'm waiting.

When Jimmy started this little adventure of trying to get it, the pharmacy ins. company said he had to have the Doctor call directly.By the time that he was told that it was too late, Dr. Smith had left the Hospital. Jimmy called the Doctor on-call who at first told Jimmy to call back tomorrow. That is until Jimmy made the comment "What am I supposed to do, let my wife just lay here and die?" The comment snapped the doctor out of it and he aggreed to help Jimmy.

Good for you Baby!

I hurt everywhere and the drummer boy is now staying with me....I can't seem to shake him off this morning. I hope the new drugs come soon. I hope the ones that I have begin to work.

Right now i am lost in all of this hell and it's hard to be awake.....but I can't sleep anymore.

This is the place that the tears come from.

Home from Hershey

Well I'm back home. Blood work from last week reads:
WBC 1.2
Haemoglobin 8.9
Haematocrit 25.1
Platelet Count 42
Neutrophils 28.0
Lymphocytes 72.0
Monocytes 0.0
Neutrophils, Abs. .34
ANC .34

They reran my blood work as a Stat order today through Hershey's own Lab rather than waiting for the results over the next few days.Todays bloodwork brought a phone call:
WBC .09
Haemoglobin 7.8
Neutrophils, Abs. 0.2
Platlets 41

Bad news that I'm crashing.Good news is that Roche is going to allow Nupregen and Procrit (both are probably spelled wrong)

The pharmacy has to have it over nighted in and I should have it by early tomorrow.

Jimmy has gone for the scripts that can be filled. An atibiotic for the upper resp. infection. A script for "Majic Mouth wash" for the thrush and Zoloft because I can't seem to stop crying.

I know that if I could just feel better.....I would feel better mentally.

Right now I just can't fight the tears.

I haven't the strength to.

Day 29

Yesterday I spent most of the day running a fever that stayed pretty much steady between 99.8 and 101.6. I swore that if it hit above 102 I would go to the hospital and make them give me antibiotics. But it didn't so I stayed on my couch and slept most of the day away.

This morning the glands in my neck are still swollen but my throat isn't as sore. My mouth is irritated. My gums are slightly swollen and there's a sore in my nose. My body continues to ache.

I'm going to Hershey today. Hopefully I'll get a script for all of this.

I'll also get a copy of my blood work so that I can see whats going on. Dr. Smith will do her exam and I'm affraid that with this infection she may not allow me to take the shot....but I want to ....so I'll push her. I'm 4 weeks in and I just don't want to waiste it.

We'll see. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing.

I'll continue this post once I'm home later tonight....

Day 28

So far today is no better than yesterday.

Woke up with my temp playing between 99.8 and 101. I called Hershey yesterday and the Doc on call said I probably have an upper respitory infection. lol....really! I kind of figured that out myself.

If my temp goes any higher today, I'm driving to Hershey.

My entire body hurts and the Drummer Boy is back. The glands in my neck are swollen and I'm pretty much miserable.

I don't know how this is going to get any better without antibiotics. There's just nothing left in my body to fight it off.

Tomorrow is Hershey. Today will be a long day.

Day 27

I woke up this morning with boby aches and a sore throat. Now I think I've caught a cold or a throat infection. I hope not....but my temp is hanging out at 100 degrees.

Not exactly what I needed on top of everything else. But I guess it figures in with my WBC.

I didn't do the injection last night as the doctor order and I haven't taken the trial drug either. Only the Riba. I feel like I have to trust in what my doctor is saying. They want me to back off of the interferon and the trial drug because my WBC has dropped. This morning I think I'm feeling the effects of that.

I can't imagine how I would have felt if I had taken the shot.

I only have to make until Monday and then we'll see. If my counts have gone back up by then they'll put me back on it.

For today I feel like crap. I'll spend the weekend on my couch and in bed.

Maybe it will get better.

Day 26 - Uh Oh

Yesterday wasn't bad. Work was kind of busy and I'm very thankful that I have a desk job because moving around is way too difficult. My mind was clear, the body aches where easy on me and the little drummer boy left me alone for the afternoon.

When I got off of work all of that changed. It's like my body said enough! I stopped on the way home for a special brick oven tavern pizza at a Friends restaurant. Zola's Lamp Post - awesome pizza and beautiful people! :) It was nice visiting while I waited for the pizza.

By the time I got home with it I was starting to hit bottom again. But I succeeded in getting 3 slices down with the hand full of pills before I had to head for the couch. The Little Drummer boy returned.

At around 7:30 the phone rang and it was Nurse Sandy. She had my 3 week blood results and they wanted me to not take the Riba and to skip the injection on Friday night. She said to take the trial drug. My Blood counts have dropped way too low. White blood count was next to nothing and my Haemoglobin was now almost at a 9. (I started this at 15.9)

About half and hour later Dr. Smith called. She said not to take anything until I heard from her. Not even the trial drug. She's got a call into Roche and if I don't hear from her by 8:30 this morning that I need to call them back to find out what I will be able to take. Because it's double blinded she just doesn't know how much the trial drug is causing my blood count drop. She said that she can see by the blood work why I'm having such a hard time.

So now I wait this morning.

Last night the Little Drummer boy had the Kettle Drum out and was beating it hard no matter if I sat up or laid down. I took 2 Tylenol and a nausea pill and headed for bed....but his drumming was relentless.

Laying there I remembered that the heart pills that I take are also used to relieve migraines. I figured that I'm allowed to take them with the tx drugs so they must be safe for my headache. I climbed out of bed and made it to my purse to swallow one of those. I can Not stand migraine headaches! I'll swallow anything just to get them to stop! Jimmy was worried....I know...he asked if we should go to the hospital, all I could say was "not yet".

The inderol must have worked because I woke up at around 2am with only a small Snare drum thumping. Thank God.

Awake on and off for the rest of the night and this morning I'm back to feeling ok again. I still can't walk very far, very fast, as my heart rate flies high and my body aches are still lingering....but my head is clear and the Drummer boy is quiet. I have a sore in my nose and a slight sore throat to go with it. I think I might need to re-up the humidifiers in the house.

I know that the phone calls last night where not good news.....but I guess that I have to look at it in a positive way....I am Not supposed to feel This bad! Thank God because I was getting scared thinking that this is what it will be like for the next 44 weeks. I'm hoping that they'll adjust my meds and that I can feel even a little better....if I can just feel a little better....I know I'll be alright.

And still another positive...I've hit the bottom in the blood work category and I've still found a way to function.

I still made it to work.

Now I know I am as strong as I believe I am.

I have however come to the point that I'm going to hire my Step Daughter (from my previous marriage) to do house cleaning for me. My house is suffering and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it. Poor Jimmy is trying to juggle the Bar/Restaurant and the housework all at the same time. He's over loaded and isn't sleeping well to begin with. Hiring Athena will also be a treat for me because I'll be able to see my Grandson more often, I'll get to sit with him while she cleans :) Yes I divorced their Father but not his kids and they call me Grandma :)

Well that's it for now....I'll wait the hour and a half this morning for Hershey to call me back to tell me what I should and should not take. I do hope that this will not boot me from the trial. I'm thinking that it will only adjust the drugs that I've been on. I'm also hoping that they won't tell me to come to Hershey today. I'm not wanting to take the drive or hang out in a hospital over the weekend.

For right now I feel ok...but I am worried. :)

Day 25

Yesterday was great as I followed the rules that my body has laid out for me.

I walk very slow to keep my heart rate down. I sit to get dressed and to do anything else that I am able to sit while doing......The fatigue is so incrediable. But my body and my mind felt sooo much better. The body aches where so little that I was able to pretty much ignore them all day.

It doesn't sound like I feel good does it. But I did. I think that feeling good has taken on a new meaning through all of this. Feeling good to me now means that I am able to cope. My mind is clear and I can focus on managing my body through the day. I don't have to spend it on the couch or in bed. So yes....I felt great! :)

Last night the little drummer boy brought his Kettle Drum to bed with me. Up and down all night with the thumping. Tylenol wouldn't even quiet his beat.

I wish I knew whats causing that and how to manage it. It seems like I'm getting headaches from laying my head down to sleep and I can not sleep sitting up. Thank God I went to bed at 8pm....up and down all night I think I still got enough sleep to be able to function today.

This morning the drummer boy is leaving as I'm waking up. Or is it because my head is no longer laying down? Either way the thumping is slowly going away.

My body is ever so slightly aching, but just like yesterday I know it will not get in the way of my day.

Jimmy has a friend who's wife was on chemo for the second time fighting cancer. Sadly she became depressed and commited suicide. Her viewing is today. He's wants me on A.D.s more than ever now. It's scaring him....but I am not that depressed. I do have to admit that I am slightly. I seem to cry at the stupidist things. We'll talk to Dr. on Monday and we'll see.

Today is going to be good. I know it will be. I'll follow the rules and I'll make it a good day.

Day 24

I got the 2 week blood work back.

Drum Roll TATATATATATATATATA

HCV Quantitative PCR = <15>

WOOHOO!!!!

Week 2 and I'm UNDETECTABLE!!!!!!!


My Haemoglobin has dropped by 4.2 since I started so that may be why I'm so wiped out. It's probably lower yet this week since that blood work was from a week ago and I feel worst this week than last week.

My WBC has dropped down to 2.8 and they are now warning me to be very careful not to cut or injure myself and to make sure that I steer clear of anyone who is sick.

I also found out that it's my bone marrow that has been causing my body aches. And the Ferritin that began this treatment at 80 and went to 450 is now at 1728 at week 2. I'm still not sure of what that is but it is how they can tell that I'm having the body aches and it has something to do with my bone marrow.

Nurse Sandy said that while the fatigue and heart raising may not get any better my blood levels falling should begin to level off soon. Alot if the side effects might level off when that happens.

She gave a prescription for Prochlorperazine to help with the nausea. I took it last night and it worked like a charm. Only thing is it has it's own side effect....lol...It makes me sleepy and slightly dizzy. I think I may only take it at night or during the day when I'm at home or if the nausea becomes so bad at work that I can't stand it....then I'll have jimmy pick me up from work rather than driving.

They are concerned that I'm loosing about a pound a week and they think now that some of my problem may lay in my calorie intake. My blood chemistry is coming back ok. My proteins, Sodium, Potassium, Calcium, Triglycerides, AST, ALT, etc have come back ok. Even my Cholesterol is down to 182. But they think I need more calories in my diet. I wish I like ice cream more! I think I'm going to have to learn to like it!

I went to bed last night at 9 after the little drummer boy began playing his warning tune. I grabbed a Tylenol along with a nausea pill and I'm pretty sure I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.

Woke up at about 4am to the phone ringing. Jimmy's brother called from downstairs to tell Jimmy that pumps in the basement where failing. We've been getting rain now for 2 days and that along with the melting snow is beginning to cause flooding. One pump has burned out and the other has a faulty switch, so he's been downstairs manually flipping the switch every 15 minutes on the only pump left so that the water doesn't flood the boiler and rest of the basement. He's got to be exhausted after only having maybe 2 hours of sleep. Thank god he only has to do that until Lowes opens up at 7am and he can run for a new pump. (hopefully Lowes hasn't sold out of them as everyone is probably having the same problem)

This building is very old and when the rain comes a virtual river flows through it's basement!

Me, I went back to sleep. Makes me feel guilty, but my body would have it no other way.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in many days I actually think that I feel Ducky! I can't walk fast or stand upright for very long, but at least I feel comfortable sitting down! I will not screw this up. I will not push too hard. This is Wednesday and I don't have to take another shot until Friday Night!! :) I just might get 3 days of feeling good out of this week and let me tell you I really really need it!!!!

As for A.D.'s, I think we're going to wait until next week and re-address it then if nothing changes. I feel Good...when I feel good! I think that we're all hoping that I begin to level off. If I don't then I will definatly go for A.D.'s to help me through this. The bad days are just too much if they stay at this level.







For today....

I Feel DUCKY!!!!

Day 23

I drug myself to work yesterday and by late afternoon I began feeling better. I walk very slow and I try not to carry anything as my heart raises with even the weight of my purse. Coming home the steps up to our apt. are a challenge in themselves.

I ate, took the handful of pills and found the couch. By 6:30 I realized that I was just tired and that I was finally pulling out of that totally sick feeling. Sitting up was not as hard as it had been.

By 8 I knew I should go to bed but I wanted to watch the season premier of Terminator (which by the way is not worth watching) so I made myself stay up. By 9 the little drummer boy began making me pay for my greed and we went to bed to watch the last hour. I popped a couple of tylenol. But his beat continued all night long.

Got up around 2am and popped more tylenol. The drumming stayed with me all night long. What sucks is that I know it was because I didn't go to bed when my body was asking me to and I think it was a head ache that came from laying down. It's a hell of a situation when you need to sleep but you know you have a headach because you're laying down. Can't sleep sitting up.

The hot tub is just outside the front door and I know it would help on nights like last night, but with the winter we haven't kept it filled and treated so using it right now (expecially if my white blood cell count is failing) is out of the question. Maybe if we can get a weekend with good weather I'll stick the kids on emptying it and cleaning it out.

This morning I finally got up after getting tired of fighting with the little asshole thumping on my brain.....grabbed a cup of coffee, another tylenol and a glass of cold water. I'm actually beginning to feel human again. Aside from the slightly washed out feeling, I think I'm coming back. The drummer boy is finally going away.

Today is day 4 after the shot. It kind of worries me because historically day 4 has kicked me in the ass each week and after the past few days I want to feel better so badly.

Today is also Hershey day. At least I don't have to go to work. I'm going to ask Nurse Sandy for something to control the nausea and I guess I'll start talking to her about A.D.s. Thing is, I don't think I need A.D.'s all the time. It's just that when it gets hard....it gets really hard. It's as though I feel hopeless when I feel the worst. It becomes hard to see that I'm going to feel better in a couple of days because feeling bad drags my mind down with my body.

Once the drugs finally let go and I pull back up out of it....I'm fine again. Does that mean that I need to be on A.D.'s all the time? Am I even depressed?

I mean really...who wouldn't feel like crying when they're body can not so much as walk a few feet and sit upright in a chair for more than a few minutes. Nausea, body pain and fatigue....all brought on by the pills and injections that I put into my body.

Once I pull out of it.....once I begin to feel better...I think I'm fine. It's when I find myself down that dark hole with the side effects hammering me relentlesly for days that I can not help but cry.

So A.D.'s? I don't know. We'll see how it goes.....

Today I feel better. I'm knocking on wood that this day 4 after the shot is nice to me since the shot itself was so horrid. I'll take it easy and I'll plan to go to bed early and with any luck day 4 after the shot this week will pass me by and tomorrow I will wake up feeling Ducky! :)

This is one day at a time.

Day 22

I thought yesterday would get better, but it didn't. I spent the day on the couch only to get up long enough to talk my daughter through the directions of making dinner. While I had little to no patience while explaining it (poor kid) she made a wonderful dinner of scalloped potatoes and Ham. She's a trouper.

Went to bed at 8pm hoping to wake up this morning feeling better. I have to go to work today and there's an Anchor Glass big wig coming in from Tampa so I have to find a way to look "nice" for work. This is going to be a challenge! I'm as pale as the snow outside and I dragging myself from one spot to the other. Getting dressed will be a chore in itself.

Tomorrow is Hershey. I wish it where today so that I wouldn't have to go to work. Hershey day on Monday's have helped as I have been able to relax in the car on the way there and back.

Maybe a shower will help me.

Maybe today I will pull back out of it.

Maybe today will get better.......

Day 20 & 21 with Shot #4

Friday night the shot wasn't bad. It was hard to do. Not just that it was hard to do in my leg....it was hard to do period. It's not easy doing a shot that you know will make you feel bad again just when you're starting to feel good again. Jimmy was right there helping me do it.

Friday night itself wasn't bad, I took the shot grabbed some Tylenol and pretty much went to bed.

I woke up yesterday morning and it was nearly impossible to get from my bedroom to the couch. I was just so weak and every step raised my heart rate to the point of exhaustion. This morning I feel like I'm coming out of it but I'm still so very wiped out and my body is still aching.

It's no where near what yesterday morning felt like, so I know it will be better later today.

Why am I having all of these side effects? I wish it would let up on me for a while. Is it because I am so thin or Does this drug just go "Eany, Meany, Minny, Moe.....your gonna be the one to hurt"?

I see A.D.'s in my future and I am going to ask for a script to control the nausea.

I no longer care about how many drugs I'll be taking. I'm taking drugs that only make me feel like shit....something has got to help me feel as though I can manage this thing better.

Jimmy and I have 3 cats. Jack who's the oldest, Bubba who's the middle anti social one and then there's Hitch, he's the baby. All 3 (including Bubba who has some kind of "human touch" phobia) have begun hanging on me when I'm feeling the worst of it. All day long yesterday Jack laid on the couch with me. Bubba came back and forth climbing under the blankets to Cuddle up beside me and Hitch was relentless with laying beside me and nudging my arm. Every once and a while he'd reach his paw up and gently rub it down my cheek. It's as though they know and they are trying so hard to make me feel better by watching over me. All three of them are rescued cats...so they've seen they're own hardship and maybe are better able to recognize the pain? I don't know, but they defiantly stay much closer to me when I'm down.

Today is going to get better....I can feel it. I'll waist most of the day on the couch and fight for my strength back.

44 more to go. One way or another this has got to become easier......