Day 23

I drug myself to work yesterday and by late afternoon I began feeling better. I walk very slow and I try not to carry anything as my heart raises with even the weight of my purse. Coming home the steps up to our apt. are a challenge in themselves.

I ate, took the handful of pills and found the couch. By 6:30 I realized that I was just tired and that I was finally pulling out of that totally sick feeling. Sitting up was not as hard as it had been.

By 8 I knew I should go to bed but I wanted to watch the season premier of Terminator (which by the way is not worth watching) so I made myself stay up. By 9 the little drummer boy began making me pay for my greed and we went to bed to watch the last hour. I popped a couple of tylenol. But his beat continued all night long.

Got up around 2am and popped more tylenol. The drumming stayed with me all night long. What sucks is that I know it was because I didn't go to bed when my body was asking me to and I think it was a head ache that came from laying down. It's a hell of a situation when you need to sleep but you know you have a headach because you're laying down. Can't sleep sitting up.

The hot tub is just outside the front door and I know it would help on nights like last night, but with the winter we haven't kept it filled and treated so using it right now (expecially if my white blood cell count is failing) is out of the question. Maybe if we can get a weekend with good weather I'll stick the kids on emptying it and cleaning it out.

This morning I finally got up after getting tired of fighting with the little asshole thumping on my brain.....grabbed a cup of coffee, another tylenol and a glass of cold water. I'm actually beginning to feel human again. Aside from the slightly washed out feeling, I think I'm coming back. The drummer boy is finally going away.

Today is day 4 after the shot. It kind of worries me because historically day 4 has kicked me in the ass each week and after the past few days I want to feel better so badly.

Today is also Hershey day. At least I don't have to go to work. I'm going to ask Nurse Sandy for something to control the nausea and I guess I'll start talking to her about A.D.s. Thing is, I don't think I need A.D.'s all the time. It's just that when it gets hard....it gets really hard. It's as though I feel hopeless when I feel the worst. It becomes hard to see that I'm going to feel better in a couple of days because feeling bad drags my mind down with my body.

Once the drugs finally let go and I pull back up out of it....I'm fine again. Does that mean that I need to be on A.D.'s all the time? Am I even depressed?

I mean really...who wouldn't feel like crying when they're body can not so much as walk a few feet and sit upright in a chair for more than a few minutes. Nausea, body pain and fatigue....all brought on by the pills and injections that I put into my body.

Once I pull out of it.....once I begin to feel better...I think I'm fine. It's when I find myself down that dark hole with the side effects hammering me relentlesly for days that I can not help but cry.

So A.D.'s? I don't know. We'll see how it goes.....

Today I feel better. I'm knocking on wood that this day 4 after the shot is nice to me since the shot itself was so horrid. I'll take it easy and I'll plan to go to bed early and with any luck day 4 after the shot this week will pass me by and tomorrow I will wake up feeling Ducky! :)

This is one day at a time.