Monday, December 31, 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well ...still waiting. But I kind of knew that I would be. I'm getting used to the wait. :-) I know it will come soon enough....

It's kind of ironic that I've got the flu for New Years! They say that the way that you spend New Years is the way that you'll spend the year. Yep! lol makes sense to me!

Other than feeling the effects of the flu and being tired...I feel good about the upcoming year.

Chemo and all......2008 is definitely going to be soooo much better than 2007!

2008 is my "gettin' over it year" ;-)

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

2 days of feeling like crap....I slept 12 hours on friday night ...on and off all day yesterday and 15 hours last night! Either I had the flu or fatigue kicked my ass pretty good! It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Other than the feeling of "I just slept have my life away", I think I feel a whole lot better this morning. I just have that "slept way too much hangover". My body is used to maybe 7 hours of sleep a night.


I guess I should be thankful because I understand that some people get constant fatigue. Me, I'm fine for days and sometimes even a couple of weeks and then whammy! It hits all at once and knocks me on my ass. I only wish I could plan around it because it usually hits when I have the a whole lot of stuffed planned to get done. Jimmy cleaned the house on Friday and then did the holiday grocery shopping at 3 am this morning. He is such a wonderful man! I just don't deserve him.

42 today. Do I feel 42....well not as much today as I have been feeling!

This picture was taken on the day that I came home from the hospital with my Mother. I was born in a snow storm and they had to hold Christmas off for 6 days until we where able to get home through the snow. (lol, I was a pain in the ass from the get go)

Here they all are, my once upon a time my leave it to beaver family,minus my little sister who wasn't born yet and me....I was in the other room sleeping. Oh and my Dad, who I assume was taking the picture. Sitting down at my mothers piano are my brother Mike on my grandma Binkowski's lap (the Best Grandma in the world, I'm so glad that I got to see her again before she passed away a couple of years ago), my sister Debbie next to him and my Mother. Standing up (even though she was so short it looks like she's sitting) was the most wonderful Aunt you could have imagined, My Aunt Dolly. In the middle my oldest brother Bob. In the back my Mothers Father and Mother, Grandpa and Grandmother Bonine. (that woman never wore a pair of paints in her life....She was a Senators wife through and through!).

I feel like I have one thing in common with this picture....we're both 42 years old today.


I have my entire family under this roof this morning. A happy loving family that I am forever grateful for.

So yes....It is a very Happy Birthday for me! I feel good! And I feel very loved! :-)



Merry Christmas Everyone!

May Health, Happiness and Good Cheer come your way!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Ta Da! 18!!

My Daughter Crystal
18....an adult! EEEEEK!!!
How the hell did that happen!
Happy Birthday Baby!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I spoke to Sandy the research nurse yesterday. She said that she has to work up the appointments so that blood work is completed in 2 days and that with the Holidays it's impossible for that to happen because the labs will be closed for Monday and Tuesday.

She'll be calling me in between Christmas and the New Year with an appointment for after New Years. She has to get the date that everyone can be there...Dr. Smith for the physical, Lab for the blood work, tech for an Echo cardiogram, and herself for the paperwork that she has to go over with me.

So at least I know that I'm waiting for a new date.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tuesday

Well it's 2 weeks ago today that I called the research nurse who told me that she'd call me back in 1 to 2 weeks....and still no word.

She's only looked at my name for about 3 weeks....I can't imagine her understanding my frustration, me I've been hanging here for 9 months.

If I don't hear from her by tomorrow I'll call again.

Wednesday is my daughters birthday. 18! Just doesn't seem possible.

Sunday is my birthday....42. yep, that feels very possible.

I've been reading and searching for things could help me with feeling so tired all the time and I ran across a few interesting things. the first was about fatigue and my little dragon.

It seems that when you have Hep C your body is forever battling the virus even while you sleep. The battle drains a lot of your energy resources causing you to wake up with this feeling of not sleeping. Makes sense...maybe.

Well I guess my body is putting up one hell of a battle because I wake most mornings feeling like shit .....except for the last 2 days.

Yesterday and today I feel absolutley great. I wish I knew what was causing me to feel good because I'd continue to do whatever it is.

I'm going to the GNC store tonight to see if I can't find some things to help, maybe B-12 and something called Coenzyme Q for some kind of pep. Ginger for nausea that comes and goes.

I don't know if any of it will help...but I have to do something until I get that phone call. Besides, it'll be my birthday present to me! ;-)

Monday, December 10, 2007

Things happen for a reason.

That's what they always tell me.

Am I writing this blog for a reason?

Maybe....maybe some where, somehow, someone will read it and they'll think to themselves "well shit, it could be worse" or "If someone else can do it, well then so can I" or even simply

"I'm not alone".

But, maybe it's just for me. A place to put my thoughts and my feelings.

It could just be my outlet...a place for my twisted little brain to vent all of the thoughts and emotions that come with this virus and life in general.

Or maybe it's just simply my own little self pity party.

Maybe it's a little bit of all 3.

No matter how you view this blog....when the day is done and the power button is turned off,
I've written this blog for me....

in the peace and quiet of this old building...

Here is honesty.


I got a call from my sister the other day telling me there is a reason that my Father has refused to except medical treatment for the past 2 years. A reason for him to be 89 pounds and have constant pneumonia.

He has cancer and has had it for a very long time. He's known it.

What strikes me odd is that the tone in her voice was almost thankful and mournful all at the same time.

Thankful I think because they can't say that her not forcing him into medical treatment was some kind elderly abuse.

Mournful because he was her Dad and he's dieing and she loves him.

When I first listened to her message on my machine I thought to myself "Cancer. Yes he has cancer. He's dieing....but he has been dieing....what is it that I feel?".

It took me a day and a half to call her back.

Still I couldn't figure out what it is that I feel.

But tonight.....sitting alone, I think I know what is that I feel.

A week ago it was disconnection. He was dieing and she was scared of loosing him and then being blamed for his death. And she was so sad that her Dad was dieing.

But to me he was already gone.

22 some odd years it took me to find him and when I did the man that I found was a skeleton of the man that was my father.

You see, my Father was strong and proud....and he stood tall.

The man in front of me then was a withered old drunk who wanted to take his long lost daughter to the bar for a "Glad to see ya again drink". This man that I found 22 years later confused me as to why I would ever have respected or feared him.

But then that's the problem isn't it? .....

There was a line in the sand when I was a child.

On one side was the "Before it happened" time.

A beautiful family. 2 boys and 3 girls. Dad was as good of a Father as any Father before him. Provided for his family, respected by his community, politically empowered....an A-number- one man.

And I loved him.

Then it happened and it happened again. And he couldn't protect me and he could not let it harm the man that he was. So he forgot and pretended it didn't happen.

But then his little girl stepped over the line in the sand.

When I was done running and came back home .... they where gone. I was 13 when I left. 15 when I went home.....and I was 33 when I found them again.

To this day I don't believe that they ever looked.

What is it that I feel?

Today I mourn for the man who chose not to protect his daughter. A coward who hid himself from the truth.

Today I mourn the man who found his hiding place in a bottle.

Today I mourn the man who nick named me pumpkin and taught me how to swim.

Who held my hand and made booboo's better. Who looked at me with pride in eye's as we played ball. The man who built a balance beam in the back yard for his daughters....

Once upon a time I had a Dad......and he made me strong.

I guess I better not write his eulogy.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

I Give up for the weekend! I'm giving myself a G.D. Headache over this and I'm getting no where.

Maybe I'll give it one last try next weekend. I'm just out of patients and my mind is twisted.

This ugly Eagle Sucks! Funny how the mood that I'm in transfers into my artwork.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

To Paint or Not To Paint

Here's just another frustrating casualty of my Hep C and stress....

I have ability to paint $3000.00 paint jobs....but right now I pick up the brush and I'm retarded! I can't see past the first stroke.








I'll sit down this weekend and I'll give it one more try. But if my brain will not allow it, I'll give the bike back and doing so will probably destroy my reputation for artwork on bikes. Doesn't that suck!
Maybe not....
Maybe then I can get back to the fundamental love and Passion for painting!
The piglet bike was painted for a guy named Hoggie. LOL Big bad bikers love little piglets.
The orange bike over 80 hours to paint(which I wish I had completed pictures of because it turned out awesome. The picture here is the tank before clear....clear makes it "pop") and was for a guy named Bam. Big guy! The nick name descibes him best. Big guy with the ability to seriously hurt. But he's a teddy bear for those who know him.
So this weekend we will see. To paint...or to hang it up for a year.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Just call me "The Lady In Waiting"!

I couldn't stand it! I hate waiting! Drives me nuts!

So I called Hershey and I spoke to Sandy the Research Nurse.

After explaining to her that I might not have had reception on my cell and I worried that I had missed her call (which was a fib). She said "No, you didn't miss my call". But she did say that Dr. Smith had told her about me and that it was good that I called because now she knows that I really am interested in the study.

She'll be making the appointments for the research over the next week to 2 weeks. ugh! More waiting!

She did answer a couple of questions. She called this the "Naive Trial". I'm not exactly sure why it's called that....I'll have to ask when I go there.

I still don't know what the drug code number is other than it starts with an "R". Sandy didn't have it in front of her while we where on the phone. It is a polymerase inhibitor and this is a Phase II trial study.

The trial is 24 weeks of this drug along with Interferon and Ribavirin, then 24 weeks of Interferon and Ribavirin alone.

The trial has 8 arms and it's double blinded, meaning that none us will know which arm of the trial I'm in. It is possible that I end up with the sugar pill! lol

I still have so many questions, but I guess they'll have to wait for Sandy to call with my appointment. At least she seems very nice!

As for me? Hey...well...you know me...Waiting is my middle name!







Still waiting...no phone call yet. If I don't hear from them by this afternoon I'll call them. Did I mention that I Hate waiting! lol, boy do I ever! But at least I know it won't be long....

I did have to come here to post this beautiful picture that Iris took while we were in NY!

From left to right....
Iris - an anchor support and a wonderful friend who has the ability to instantly touch your heart. She's completed tx and is virus free.....yeehaw!
Terry and his girlfriend M - Two new found friends. Terry is well into tx and with M on his side the both of them are unstoppable! Talk about 2 people perfect for each other.....the both of them are an inspiration to Jimmy and I.
Jimmy - The Love of my life
Me - ;-)
Teah - Superwoman! There is no other way to describe her. She's pushed through 72 weeks of tx! Hell she's even started a new job....it's kicking her ass...but she did it!
If nothing else comes out of this little adventure, I've gotten to know one hell of an incredible group of people! I am truly inspired.
I will figure how to sit down and paint it ...one day. lol...when I figure out how to paint again.

Monday, December 3, 2007

New York


What an awesome trip to NY!

Jimmy and I left on Saturday night to get a jump on the snow and ice storm that was headed our way to get closer to the City. We stayed the night in Iron Bound, Newark, NJ. with a beautiful view of the Potomac River.

We got up early in the morning and made our way into Manhattan to pick Iris up at the bus stop and then made our way to the East Village to meet Terry, Magda, Teah and her Sister for lunch and then the Metropolitan Museum.

It snowed just enough to make it feel like Christmas time.

It was all so absolutely wonderful see Iris and Teah again and now to meet Terry ....it's all such a special treat and an education. They've really made me feel like I'm not alone. Not to mention that the knowledge and experiences of all three of them is endless. Iris finished treatment 8 months ago. Teah has pretty much finished with 72 week! (I have no idea how she did it! She's amazing. - Tired ...but amazing.) and Terry is around 30 weeks into it. He looks Great. They all do.....but it's been and is hard...I know.
I'm also glad that Jimmy was able to Magda, Terry's beautiful and bright Girl Friend. She's been through this treatment with Terry from the start and she's an insite to where Jimmy will be with me in the future. It was very good for them to be able to talk a little.

They've helped me with my list of questions for the Doctor and the research nurse. Now I can't wait for the phone call! If I don't hear anything by tomorrow, I'll call them.

The ride home was .....is hard to describe. First of all we didn't have windshield washer solvent. LOL Not a good thing to be missing when your in NY traffic with salty slush on the roads! We just didn't think about it until it was too late to pick some up.

Once we got a way from the city we found a gas station and grabbed some. While we where in there I got a phone call. My sister. My Dad is dieing. He's 89 pounds and he's got pneumonia. He's in the hospital and he's had a stroke.

Other than feeling bad for my Sister....I don't think I feel anything.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

The Scoop


Dr. Jill Smith is pretty cool. Lot's of explaining and a whole lot of calming news.

First, the little spider web looking blotches on my chest are called spider nevi (or something like that). There caused by my liver. But, from all the tests so far, my liver seems to be holding it's own...aside from the high enzymes results, all the rest of my blood test seem good.

In a couple of cases they even seem very good. My red blood cell count is very very good. She seemed happy to see that before treatment starts saying that a side effect of therapy is that it may lower my blood count. She said she can usually count on that being a major factor on anyone who starts off even slightly anemic. So I look very good in that department.

My heart sounds good. She can hear the murmur but she doesn't think it'll be any kind of factor in all of this. Heart surgery did me well and if it weren't for all of this I'd be feeling awesome.

Fatigue is the virus......nausea may be from the fatigue.

What else....

The plan:

There's a new research trial starting up beginning Dec. 4th and Doc. thinks I should be in it. Roche has a drug that will be added to go along with Pegylated Interferon and Ribavirin. She said it should increase my chances of clearing the virus. It's not named yet....still has a number.

Hershey will have 7 people in on the study. I could either jump right in to therapy with just Interferon and Riba. or I can go for the study. She said that if it where her she go for the study....I think she's right.

But now I wait for the phone call from her research nurse who has a list of patients that she's calling. I don't know if I'll be one of those seven and to be very honest....my luck in life is usually not that good.lol

If I make the study list I'll go back to Hershey (hopefully very soon) for blood work that will determine if I fall within what they're looking for. Then I'll have the Liver Biopsy. They want to wait to hear about the study before the biopsy because if I make the study the biopsy is paid for through Roche.

I'm hoping for the phone call next week...I hope early next week. Then in all reality this might not get moving until after the New Year. I'm going to push to have it happen sooner if it's at all possible.

With all of this my brain has relaxed a bit even though the bull shit everywhere else in my live is still piling on.

Oh yeah....lol....did I say I kinda have bad luck? lol All of the Christmas shopping is done. I did almost all of it on Amazon.com and one thing from Walmart.com and something else from Kmart. Those are the only 3 places that I've ever used that particular credit card at. The card was never used before.

So last night came a phone call....someone has been charging stuff on the credit card.....hundreds and hundreds of dollars! Yep! Credit Card Number has been hijacked! Son ofabitches!

And as for my sister Debbie....her last message said that her news was that she's engaged. So I called her, got her voice mail and told her I'm happy for her, Congratulations, said that I love her and hung up the phone. thing is that I really meant it.....I won't be calling her back.

So bottom line...My brain is strong again....my emotions in check....I'm back on the saddle and ready to charge this stupid little dragon again....(glad I don't have to use my credit card!lol)

:-)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

O.M.G.!! Drama Drama Drama! What the hell!

I AM TRYING NOT TO STRESS OUT!!! I REALLY AM!

So this afternoon I happen to look at my cell phone and I see I missed 2 messages.


First message 6:00 pm-

"Ok....hey Sis...this is Deb...how the hell ya doin' ....been a long time....how ya doin'? Just checkin' on ya. Got a little bit of news for ya...well ok...I'll try back later. Maybe tomorrow. Ok love ya...bye"

Second Message 8:00 pm -

"Hey Sis...it's me again...I guess I'll keep tryin' ya...hope everythings good. I have some news...I'll try ya tomorrow"

It's been 6 months -22 days since I told her about Hep C. This is the first I've heard her voice since.

So with Hershey tomorrow and my brain already twisted....can anyone tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do or say her?

Please??????

Guess there wasn't already enough bull shit piled up....."kerplunk"....lets just load some more on there!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

It's all fine....just a roller coaster.

I'll be fine.

I am fine.

.....and besides, so what if I'm not? It is what it is....

F*** it...

Here is the one thing that I inherited from my families very political background - I have the stupid smile on....I say my "Good Morning's" and my "Have a Great Day's" as cheery as can be. I go through the business day just hunky doory.Hi Ho Hi Ho.

When I go home, I laugh and joke and I keep the stupid smile on.

So you see?

I am fine.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

T-Day

What an awesome Holiday this has been. I couldn't ask for more.
Wonderful food even though my turkey came out a little dry.

My beautiful Husband sitting next to me and my ever growing Family....we actually had all of the kids at one table at the same time!

My Christmas tree was even able to get put up the day after! (only one more gift to buy)

Not to mention 4 full well needed days off of work! - can't forget that!

Incredible!

Did I mention that I love Thanksgiving?
6 more days....
I am thankful for Thanksgiving.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

*Snap....and it's Thanksgiving

Well thanks to U.C.'s advice, my Christmas shopping is pretty much done! For the first time in my life I'm finished before Thanksgiving....lol. I absolutely love Amazon.com! I got all of my shopping done online. No stress, No extra fatigue....just a lot of scrolling and searching on the computer.

Whats amazing is that I was able to buy stuff that is out of season like outdoor stuff that I could only buy usually during the warmer months.

I'm starting sound like an advertisement.....I know....but I'll tell ya....I hate shopping and this was a breeze!

My "to-do" list is getting shorter. Now I'm mostly concentrating on Thanksgiving. I got the shopping for dinner done. Complete with the kitchen cabinets cleaned and the Fridge cleaned out.

Today I have the Oven to clean and parts of the house to tackle.

But then there's the bike. The only thing that I've gotten done on it is the beginning of the eagles head on the front fender.
Just on the fender alone, an emblem has to go below the eagle....a riped and tattered US flag has to flow as if blowing in the wind around the eagle and over the top. On the back of the fender the saying "Some gave all, All gave some" (or something like that.
The owner right now is in Malaysia (long story) and won't be back until this week. He's very patient knowing that I'm having trouble.
Right now I don't like the eagle. But in my sleep I can picture it looking much better with the flag flowing around it. If I get too disgusted I'll just wipe it off and start again.
What is wrong with me!! I just can't paint right now! This will be the last painting that I'm going to do until I want to paint again.
As for how I'm feeling ok. Well, I wish I could gain weight, but how do you gain weight when all that you eat is mainly salads and chicken. All food smells so good, but a few bites of beef or deep fried food (to name a couple) make me nauseous. Maybe Thanksgiving will add a few pounds....or at least hold me at the weight I'm at right now.
I love Thanksgiving. I think it's my favorite. I can have my family all together and I can give them all the gift of a beautiful meal. I just love it!
The only thing that bothers me at this time of year is my own family. I don't care how many years go by or how many things happen....I think I'll always long for my family on the Holidays. But just like believing in Santa, I've come to realize that it's just not a reality. What my childhood didn't destroy...Hep C has.
12 Days to go.....now no matter what anyone tells me, that little "Fear" voice has stepped up in tone. The battle is closer and I'm ready....but the fear is still there. I guess it makes me stronger, because when I think about.....the fight has already begun.

Friday, November 9, 2007

The Alarm Clock

So much for getting up at 5am....I'm driving my poor husband nuts with the alarm!

He doesn't sleep well to begin with and falls asleep at around 2 or 3 am just about every morning. Then whammy....my alarm goes off. I'm tired and I hit the snooze a couple of times.

Well, you get the picture....

I'm not getting anything done anyway. I go into the bike parts to paint and I'm so tired that I screw the painting up. I have to start over tomorrow on an eagle that I began and totally screwed up. Time to wipe it off and begin over from scratch. I have to get this work done and out of my way.

I won't be taking another paint job for a while. I don't know if I'm just burned out on it (too much paid artwork kills the passion) or if I just have too much on my brain to sit and paint a big job like this bike.

I wish I could just hand it back and say "not now". But I feel obligated.

On top of that I have a plotter that can't read software. I've been working on that for days now.

On top of that, I have a website I haven't touched since I re-formatted my harddrive and a MySpace for the Bar that I haven't touch for weeks.

I also have a security camera system that needs to be put online for the bar and an inventory system that sits waiting to be set up.

And let's not forget the holidays....shit.... I forgot about the holidays!

Plus I work 9 to 5.

Now you know why I want to get up at 5 am.

At night I'm just too tired. I feel like I'm not getting anything done and time is slipping by.

Hurry hurry hurry....21 days to go and I'm running out of time.

I'm both excited to get to started getting over this and scared, and panicked. I want everything done....but I'm beginning to see that that is not realistic.

I'm giving up 5am. At 6:30 am I'll get done what I can and maybe I'll be able to find more energy in the evening.

Did I mention how much I hate this? "....is that where my passion has gone? Maybe I should paint a dragon....."

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

October

*SNAP and October is gone.

It just started and I turned around and here it is...over.

29 day's to go until Hershey.

There's a part of me that wants so bad for this to be over....but then there's this scared little voice down deep in my soul who quietly say's "Don't rush it".

The waiting is making it worse.

I've been feeling good lately. For the past couple of weeks the fatigue that I've had was self inflicted. There's just so many things that I want to do before treatment. I get up at 5 am just to have a few extra hours.

It'll be funny if when I start I don't have any of the nasty side effects. Wouldn't that be great?

I'm not counting on it. I'm counting on the worst and then maybe if it's not the worst...I'll have a nice surprise.

Why do I come here and write when I'm down?

I hate this...

....and the calendar turns to November.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Yeah!!! U.C. IS VIRUS FREE!!!!




What awesome news!




Went to NY on Saturday to hang out with U.C. and Tea. What a wonderful time. They are two of the most beautiful people that I know. It was such a pleasure spending the day with them and getting to know them.



Thank you both for such a great day!









While we were in NY, U.C. broke the news....She's Virus Free!

Boy the day just couldn't have been any better! How incrediably wonderful is that!
The both of them are my inspiration and have become a strength that I'll carry with me throughout my treatment.


U.C. Completed her treatment and came out at the other end Virus Free and Tea has just completed her 66th shot! Now if these two are'nt the best examples to follow no one is!

I love and admire both of them.




Got lost going into NY and coming out...lol. Damn mapquest!
On the way in I wanted the Lincoln Tunnel and wound up in Jersey City at the Holland Tunnel. (I usually go the Gearge Washington Bridge but mapquest sent me to the Lincoln Tunnel...I thought it knew better than me)
On the way out I wound up in major traffic downtown and got turned around. I found myself on the east side of the island and had to go back through the traffic to get to the George Washington Bridge (I was going home the way that I knew) but somehow I found myself at the Throgneck bridge! WOW...way out of my way! Stopped at the bridge regained my direction and finally found the Gearge Washington Bridge. LOL...set out to leave the island at around 7:30 and got home at 11:30! It's usually only a 2-1/2 hour drive.
Anyway....getting lost always teaches me a new place. I had a nice little tour of NY. lol
As for me...I've felt great all weekend. Poor Jimmy seems to have taken feeling bad away from me and has gotten a cold. I hate seeing him sick, he worries too much about what he's not getting done and can't really rest because it's so much on his mind. I wish I could just take care of his work for him.

38 days to go until I'm in Hershey.


That's not a long time right?




Wednesday, October 10, 2007

October is almost half gone....

So the A & B vaccinations are done.

Yesterday at work was hard. I don't know if I ate something that I shouldn't have or what caused it, but I was so fatigued that my body literally ached (hurt) wanting to lay down. I was worried that I was getting sick, I pushed through the long day and got it over with. Hell I even made Stromboli for the Dart teams. (Tuesday Night is Dart Tournament night at the Bar)

Everyone tells me not to push myself, but I feel so much better if I can. In my mind, if I didn't push through yesterday I would have woken up this morning not feeling as good as I do right now. What everyone doesn't understand is that when I felt like shit like yesterday, if I had not pushed through the day I would have slept like shit last night...and felt like shit today. The more I give into, it the longer it grabs a hold of me.

Might not make any sense to anyone else, but it does to me.

I know that when I start treatment all of that might change....but for now I push through it. When treatment starts I'll go with the flow and see what works.

I woke up this morning and Wa-La....I feel fine again! It's morning, the sun's coming up and the day is going to be beautiful! ....rain and all...lol

That's what counts!

The leaves are almost all changed. The weather is finally changing to colder this week and I have 51 Days left until I go to Hershey

....not much longer now!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Forgiving or move on...

Tea...I've spent more than half of my life trying to forgive.
Trying to forgive things that caused me to be separated from my "Leave It To Beaver" type of family.

First I struggled to find them...then I struggled to except them and tried to move past what happened so many years ago. Things that my parents would never or could never discuss even today. Things that to them are dirty little secrets that they've swept under some old rug and would just as soon forget about. (even though it's almost half of my life and I am what was being swept)

My life has made me strong. My past has taught me so many lessons that most people are never taught.
Forgiving has been a very hard lesson to except.

I've spent so many years without them....raising myself without their support and guidance. Wishing it all to be different and crying because it wasn't.

But then I found them...Sisters and Brothers...a Mother and Father. All of my little girl memories came rushing back. All the good memories ....sunny days and Christmas nights with my mother at the piano. Time with my Grandmother. So much good....

I was coping with pretending nothing happened because I believed that having them in my life was more important to me then revenge or anger.

Debbie (my sister) was just a young girl when I left so many years ago. She had no control over what was happening....although now I know that she knew back then what was happening to me...When I found her I knew I couldn't lay blame on her, she was just too young ....she was 18 the day I left.

I think she just excepted that I was gone and moved on with her life.

I guess out of everything, the part that is the hardest thing is to "forgive".

I wanted to be home...safe and sound...but everyone moved on...and I became lost with no one to rescue me.

So forgive....I've tried forgiving...I thought I was winning the battle...but I think I'm wrong...I think she's just still moving on.

See, it's not just the Hep C. It's not just the lack of education about a virus. It's not even as though she thinks she can contract the virus from me, she's in Florida and I'm in PA.

It's the moving on.

It's the point that I searched for them...I looked for them...and I found them. I traveled to meet them and I kept myself in their lives since then.

It's no longer about forgiving....now it's about reality.

Hep C has given me a reality check.

So here it is, my little reality check...

When I hear the phone ring and Debbie crosses my mind....move on.
When I'm down and I want my Mommy.....move on.


Sometimes moving on is the only thing that we can do....through all of these years....through an entire 42 years of life....it's taken a tiny little virus to teach me one of life's biggest and hardest lessons.

I'm moving on.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Grrrrrr....Fatigue

What is with this? I know it's Hep C that causes fatigue, but what is it about Hep C that causes it?

I mean what is the Hep C doing that makes me drag my butt so much?

I go to bed at night and 9 times out of 10 I'm so tired that I can puke....then I wake up tired. The 1 time out of 10 that I'm not totally wiped out at night I usually wake up way too early, unable to go back to sleep but feeling like hell....so I just get up anyway.

Coffee and tea are my best friends (even though I know they shouldn't be).

And who knew that fatigue could be so uncomfortable? My whole body screems "I'm exausted lay me down". But I try to push through.

I live with it....sometimes it's not easy but I try to keep it to myself and carry on. It seems like if I bitch about it, it just gets harder....it seems like the fatigue grabs a harder hold like something in my brain is just giving into being tired. If I just try to struggle through the day and put my mind elsewhere I end up on the couch the moment that I come through my front door...but I made it through the day.

Being busy at work seems to help too. The less that I have time to think about it the better I'm able to push through the day. It hurts my concentration at times, but I'm starting to realize that I have to work harder at paying attention. That's a chore in itself.

Food seems to make a difference. I've eaten so many salads that I should be turning green. Last night I had pasta and this morning I'm not feeling too terrible.Give me a hamburger or deep fried food and I will feel like shit a few hours later.

Then it's a circle that I end up in...Eat a burger ...feel like shit....get exausted...don't eat because I feel like shit...feel like shit because I'm not eating...get upset because I lost some weight...back to salads.

I don't think it's my liver. I haven't had a liver biopsy yet, but I don't think my liver could be that bad. Or at least I hope not.

So what it has to be the Hep C., what exactly is it doing that makes me feel like this?

Well anyway....3 days until my last A&B vacine.

76 days until I go to Hershey.

And my sister...she hasn't called. I think I'll just stop waiting for that one. (shouldn't matter anyway)

Hi Ho, Hi Ho it's off to work I go.....


"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

My Last hoorah before teatment

Jimmy and I left at 10 am on Saturday morning and by the time we got back last night we had traveled 1605 beautiful miles!

Went part way down the Skyline Drive.


Beautiful but got boring after a while of 35 miles and hour. We didn't do the whole thing, we had too much to see yet and a long way to go!






From there we went down to the Smokey Mountains and spent the night just before Pigeon Forge.







Jimmy wanted to check out Dolly.

That was a lot of fun!!!

Road a Steam engine and we even went on a roller coaster!

After leaving Dolly Wood we crossed over into Cherokee. I haven't been there in years and it's getting very old looking.










But of course the view was breath taking!




Cruising across South Carolina North Carolina, we headed for Virginia Beach.









South Carolina at Sunset.

















Virginia Beach is definitely for lovers! What a beautiful place!


















I Love the sunrise at the beach!


After a 8 am swim in the ocean, we where off again! The water was incredible. I would have thought it would be freezing! But it was a nice temp and I'm glad Jimmy talked me into the swim. What a blast!

Next came the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. I'd love to know how they put the tunnels into it!

Up the coast to Ocean City for lunch and a bike ride on the board walk. I forgot my camera! :-(

We wanted to stop up in Baltimore to visit U.C. but the time got away from us and rush hour was hitting the city. So we opted out of the insanity and veared off to Philly then north to home.

I wanted so bad to meet her.....I'll just have to meet her in N.Y. when she travels up that way! It'll be nicer anyway....we'll have more time to sit and chat!


Jimmy is a trooper! He drove until his butt hurt and his legs killed him. 1605 miles and not a complaint about it! Now that's true love!!!


Well...12 days until my last Hep A & B vacine. 65 days until we go to Hershey.

It's been 109 days since I told my Sister about my Hep C.....and I haven't heard from her since. Took me 20 years to find her (after not seeing her since I was 13) and it took one 10 minute phone call to loose her again.... yeah well.

I don't think I'll tell my Mother. But if she finds out and does the same thing....I lived 20 years of my life without them, I guess I could live the rest of it the same way. I wish it were different...but it's not.

187 days since I found out. Time rushes by.

I have the feeling my counting has just begun.

"Peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

God usually doesn't agree with my plans.

So 4 months ago I started to make plans for my "End of the summer/before treatment starts" big bang. I wanted one last good event before treatment started and the possibility of our year or year and a half struggle began.

So I booked a whitewater water rafting trip in upstate NY and we invited our kids with their boyfriend and girl friends, Jimmy's brother, his wife and Jimmy's niece and nephew. 14 of us total. 4 or 5 coming from in from Vermont.

It was going to be a wonderful day! Family and friends....the excitement of the river.....fun and good memories for all...

But God just didn't agree.

It's funny how our plans don't always fit into the "Big Picture".

The rivers in upstate NY are low and the State has closed them to rafting. Just too low to be safe.

It's my luck!

Or is there something else that I'm supposed to do. Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I just don't see it. Sometimes I'm just too selfish and I want something that just isn't in the cards that are dealt.

So my wonderful Husband has come up with an alternative plan. Next Saturday we'll take a ride to the Sky Line Drive through the Appalacian Mountians and the up the coast through S.C and N.C. and back home. It's beautiful ride and time together that I think we very much need.

So here is "Gods" plan..... (via Jimmy)

I get to spend some true quality time with the most wonderful man in the world relaxing and strolling along the country side. We'll drive through the Mountains and come out at the ocean. Up the coast line we'll go, looking for old fishing communities to stop in at for a bite to eat.

We need this break away from reality and now I'm looking forward to some peaceful time alone with Jimmy.

LOL.....I think I'm actually starting to like God's little changes.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Just a story to share.


So a few months ago (4...maybe 5)while I was here at work I lost one of my earrings. A pair that I got for Christmas from a Secret Santa. (We exchange presents at Christmas time with a few people at the Bar.)
Silver with jade stones. It matched the necklace that Jimmy bought for me in Milwaukee. I loved wearing them with this necklace.

When I lost it, I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. I finally took the one that I didn't loose out of my purse about a month ago and I put it in my drawer at home.

So today I'm outside going for a walk and my mind wonders to strange places sometimes. I was walking along thinking about the grass crunching under my feet and looking at the tree's, thinking that "Oh well, looks like everything is dieing....the season is ending".

I started thinking about death and I was thinking that one day it'll be my turn. I started thinking to myself "I wonder if there really is a God or do we just keel over one day at that's the end of it.....into nothingness".

I was thinking that I hope there is a God....I hate the thought of nothingness. Just as I thought that, I saw something in the grass and I bent down to pick it up.

My earring!

I lost it months ago and it was laying there in the sun shining from the silver. I couldn't believe it! It's like God was listening and decided to let me know.......

So there I am in the middle of the yard here, holding the earring up to the sky and saying " Ok...I get it! You convinced me! Hey....thanks for the earring back and thanks for the reminder! I know I forget sometimes but you always find a way to remind me!"

How silly I must have looked to the people out sitting in their cars during lunch break! But do you know what? I really didn't care how I looked.....

Ain't that so cool!

Friday, August 31, 2007

And then August was gone.

Weekend before last Jimmy and I along with the kids managed to cook 290 Hamburgers and 90 hotdogs for about 275 bikers riding in the Soldiers Angels Annual Poker run! And I must say - no one waited for food. We fed them all in one hour. lol
For anyone who doesn't know who the Soldiers Angels are, they're a support group for our Soldiers. They send supplies over sea's like shaving kits, snack foods, micowaves, coffee makers, etc. If a unit needs it and they find out....they get it and send it.



They send care packages to our injured.

They greet homecoming soldiers by escorting them home on their bikes making parades and throwing parties.They see soldiers off who are being deployed. And they look after our injured Soldiers when they come home.

They are an awesome group of people who work day night around the clock to fulfil their moto "May no Soldier go unloved"







The hold a poker run every year to raise the money to do all of that and more.

If you get a chance, check out their web-site:

PASARC.COM

They're a local RC here in Hazleton....and Jimmy and I are so increadibly proud of them!

Last weekend Jimmy and I went to Vermont to visit Jimmy's brother and sister-in-law.

What a beautiful state! We had a great time.




Not only did I want to see them and Vermont, but I also wanted some time to talk to my sister-in-law Gina.

Gina had Hep. B a few years ago and went through treatment, but at some point while getting rid of Hep. B she wound up with an auto immune desease that I can't pronounce. Her body stopped identifying good cells from her bad cells and starting attacking all of them. She came very close to death.

She looks great today. She'll be on meds for the rest of her life and she'll be disabled....but she deals with it and rolls with the punches that her meds. throw at her. What happened to her is very very rare....I gather from her that the treatment back then caused her auto immune desease. She assures me that the treatments today are totally different and don't cause the same problems as the old drugs.

I have to thank God for new technology.

I also now look at the path that I have to go down with a new view.....it seems much shorter now than it did before. A year maybe and I'll be done.

I look at Gina and I think I've found yet another Hero in the Hep. war. She's beautiful inside and out and her strength shines.

As for me, well I just can't stay away from catching colds from people. I feel like I've had Bronchitus for months. I went to the Doctor yesterday and he gave me a new script and last night was the first night in weeks that I've been able to sleep. This morning, even though I still have coughing, I feel like a million bucks! Sleep is what I need to get over this and once I am if I run into someone with a cold .....I'm RUNNING the other way!!!!

2 weeks to go and we'll be white water rafting in up-state NY. 4 weeks to go and I have my last Hep A and B vacine. 8 weeks to go and I'll be in Hershey.








and the Summer passes by.....

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Hershey = November

I finally heard from Hershey Medical Center. They excepted me as a patient during last Friday's meeting and called today set up my first appointment.

At first the woman on the phone said January 31st.....I couldn't help it, I just started crying.

She said she'd put me on a waiting list if someone cancelled.....but by the time we hung up the phone she was able to squeeze me in for November 30th.

It's such a long wait....but better than the end of January.

I am not going to get depressed about it. I am fighting not to. I'm trying really hard.....

I'm just so tired ..........and I keep getting colds from people around me, making me even more tired. Why is it that I catch a cold everytime I even look in the direction of someone who has one?

For now I guess I'll just keep pushing forward.....keep waiting....keep fighting through being tired and I'll try harder to stay away from people with colds.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Just another rocky path

It seems that it always takes me a few days to process the idea of having to wait for treatment. Cut's like a knife....but sooner or later I come to terms with it.

I think that talking to people through the Blogs and now the message boards helps in a lot of ways. And while I learn so much from all of this, the greatest lesson that I've learned is that the waiting is not only for a good reason but for my own good.

One more thing....pretty much everybody has had to wait for some extent of time. Some not so long....some long like me.

but still that knowledge doesn't seem to make it totally ok in my head. It just gives me another way to deal with it.

The waiting is hard....but I need to get back to enjoying the Summer while I can...I need to get back to my life and not mope over what I can not change and should not change.

This has been hard on Jimmy for the last couple of days. Jimmy was with me at my G.I. appt. and he had been the one that brought up the question of my being treated by a Doctor who is more specialized in Hep C ....my doctor had jumped at the suggestion without so much as a flinch saying that it would be so much better to go to Hershey. So much better to see Dr. Rilley.

But because my changing Doctors to Hershey upset me because of the wait, Jimmy began to worry that he hurt me.

The initial hit of the waiting hit me hard....but I know it is the right thing to do. I just could not find a way to pull out of the spiral that it sent me into for a couple of days and my tears fell on Jimmy's shoulders and he began questioning his bringing it up to my Doctor.

Jimmy did what had to be done....it's why he's at and will be at everyone of my appt.s.

We have a lot of questions, symptoms and tuff decisions to make down the road, some of which I can't even see from where I sit or I forget to bring up. Jimmy is able to sit beside me and see through the fog of all of this. He is there for me. And I am ok because of him.

And so My Darling...My Love,

While my tears sometimes fall, they may fall on you... but they are not because of you. You are my best friend. In you I have found the only person in the world that I ever have been able to trust. You did, are doing and will always do what you know is best for me, and I know it.

I am sorry that this is hard on you too. I wish I could change that....but I can't.

I can only say that I am truly sorry that this path is going to be hard to go down.

Around the corner, sooner or later, there will be a path less rocky and less hard to travel......

My hand will be in yours.

I love you Jimmy and we will be alright.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

So Hershey it is....

I went to the Doc. today. I've been waiting for 3 months to see him again. Waiting to get started...waiting to have the Liver Biopsy....just waiting.

Some good news, some "hard to get into my head" news and some bad...that I already kinda knew.

Good news....he doesn't think too much damage has been done to my liver as far as the blood work shows.

Bad news....my viral count is high. I kinda knew that

Bad News.....My Doctor here thinks I have less than a 50% chance at beating it. I knew that one too.

"Hard to get into my head" news....I'm going to Hershey.

It's hard news to me because this waiting game is so hard to deal with. I WANT THIS GONE or at least going!

I know that Hershey would be the best place to be treated, but everything about it just seems so far away. It's a couple hours of driving for each appt. and the wait to get a first appt will have me waiting longer than I am right now. My starting in October could now of have turned into December.

I know they are specialist at this.....I know the Doctor is one of best in his field....Experienced HCV staff .... Best care that I could probably get. Jimmy will hold my and drive me there when I'm not doing well.

But how do I get these things into my head and make my brain except it without the tears?

I can't even begin to explain the frustration of having this, knowing that it's alive inside of me, knowing that I have a small chance of fighting it....that that small chance will probably make me sick and the fight will be hard....gathering the strength and will to fight ....Being ready....

and then being told that I have to wait longer to begin the battle.

I just can't describe how I feel.

I think I'll take a Xanax now and get ready for a meeting in 10 minutes for another Charity Benefit.



God.....if you read this blog........I really need a break for a while........ok?....... Please?

Saturday, August 4, 2007

A need for Education

My friend "Uncertain" went to the Dentist and he acted like an Ass towards with her HCV.

I find it amazing how people react to this virus. It almost feels like a double whammy.

I get the feeling that some people look at me as though I have a Horrible virus that is something that they may need to get tested for because they've known me for a while.....or they look at me differently because they saw a T.V. show like Heartland or E.R. . Someone on the show was a drug addict and had HCV. On one episode the Doctor even said "Oh that figures....HCV is a good sign of a drug addict".

I don't get that feeling from everyone.....but I do from some.

I know it's not just in my head.....I'm just waiting to see how people disappear from my life to avoid being around me. I wish there was a way to teach people about this virus....

HCV doesn't seem to be very popular in this area. Even my own Family Doctor, who has been a doctor here for decades, told me that he'll be following my treatment and learning as we go because he's never had a patient with HCV before. He treats me well.....he's come to my rescue many times over the past years. I wish I could just turn him into a specialist and have him treat me.

But like I said, there's no HCV education here. lol....just me.

I hate the feeling of trying to explain that I can't pass this little dragon on just by hangin' out with people. And I worry a lot about people who think that I may give it to them by Bar tending or working around the bar.

I also sooooo much hate the judgement that people may make towards the idea that many people have HCV through drug addiction. I guess I hate it more because most of the people who are around me know that my ex-husband was a major drug dealer in this area. He was probably dealing from the day that we met. Took me a while to find out and by then he had no intention on stopping. He was addicted to not only the drugs but to game of dealing. He's now waiting to be sentenced on Federal Charges handed down by a Grand Jury for his Dealing.

I on the other hand never was a drug addict. Never stuck a needle into my body. As far as I know.....neither did he. He snorted coke by the tons. Not to mention that I heard he tested negative.

My HCV either had to have come from one of my 17 surgeries or a blood transfusion after the birth of my son. But still.... I carry my ex's guilt.

What I find most ironic is that I am now faced with doing something that I never thought I'd have to do.....I now have to inject something into my body. I don't know how I'll be able to do that. I'm not squeamish....I just don't know if I can do it to myself.

Funny thing is, I have a diabetic cat that I have to inject insulin into twice a day. Once in the morning and once in the evening. (He got diabetes from being a stray and eating whatever he could where ever he could get it.)

He even reminds me when it's time by coming to me and gently pawing at my hair or face or just laying on me and starring. I grab the needle, the insulin and a treat and he comes running. Pull up the skin on his neck and he Lay's down for his shot. Never even a peep out of him. It's become routine for him.

His name is Jack and he's a brave little boy! He's also the most incredible animal I've ever known. So Smart, gentle and so loving!

I know that when it's time I'll have to deal with injecting myself.....right now until I'm faced with it....I just can't imagine. LOL....Jimmy said he'll do it for me if I can't!

I wonder if I can have a treat for getting injected....

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

July's Gone

Another page on the calendar turned. Another Summer mile stone passed.

Every Summer for years I've cooked food for a local charity call "Helping Hands". Since Jimmy and I have been together he's been recruited also.

Helping Hands is a group who help local children. They provide help for abused children.There work is incredible.




This past weekend was a Helping Hands weekend. Saturday Jimmy and I cooked for Poker Run. I have a friend who every year grabs me for the bike games and for the past 3 years we've won the weeny bite....lol! We won again again this year! I got a new leather purse and a gift certificate for a local restaurant. The weeny bite is a game where they dangle a hot dog loaded with mustard from a string and you ride the bike under it while someone on the back stands up on the bike and bites as much of the hot dog off as they can get! LOL. It's all fun.





On Sunday our Helping Hands weekend continued. We had a foursome in a benefit Golf Tournament. It was a very Hot Day until it rained! But it was fun. Only thing is, I hit a wall half way through the 18 holes and I ended up being the cart driver. I was so beat from all of the activity that I just sick from head to toe. I think our team came in last place! But it was for a great cause.

I know that I have to learn how to pace myself....but I can't right now. I know that next Summer will probably be lost and I want to have it all this year while I can. I wish I could bottle some of it to save and enjoy later.

This weekend we have nothing to do! Thank God.

8 more days and I go to the Doctor.....

And the Summer marches on......

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Simple Things In Life



Now This Is Summer!!!!



TaDa! The purple flowers are on my deck. The kids got me these for Mothers day. The white and the yellow flowers are from my vegetable garden. White - Pepper plant. Yellow- cucumber.

I love Summer!

And Yes...as you can see I've replaced the camera that was stolen from me during the burglary.


It's A Really Cool Camera!! Cannon Powershot A630. This thing Rocks!! Not to mention it's cheap! lol

Life sure knows how to be beautiful....doesn't it.

I went to the Doctor this morning. Even though I'm loosing weight and can't seem to eat enough to keep it, I've been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. Mentally I think I'm doing ok right now. Between my wonderful Husband, the beautiful Summer and my new friend "Uncertain4sure" who has made me understand, through just a few sentences, that what's in my head isn't just me. It's normal.

I suppose that I feel stronger hearing that from someone who is and has gone to the place I'm at now.

This whole thing is like a roller coaster....and right now....I'm ok again.

One last picture.
I grew up, most of my life in Rockledge Florida. When I was a little girl, maybe around 6 years old, I ate an orange and saved the seeds. My Sister and I planted the seeds in a pot and only one seed survived.

We took the baby tree that we started to my Grandmothers house and planted it in her yard.

The tree grew.

My Grandmother died 5 years ago. She was a woman like no other in my eyes. From her I inherited strength to overcome incredible boundies......The knowledge that I can do anything if I just work hard enough at it and not give up.......The touch of an Artist....and she taught me how to love and be loved. Lastly, she gave me the ability to stand still.....to see, hear, smell and taste the beauty of life.

She was my Grandma.

After her death, my Father moved into her house. About a year and a half ago Jimmy and I went to Florida for Jimmy to meet him, my Sister and my Mother.

While at my Grandmothers house my Sister picked me an orange from "our tree" and after I ate it, I saved the seeds. I planted 5 seeds and 5 trees sprouted from a tree that I planted 36 years ago for my Grandma.
I thought "How cool is that!"

I hope one day, with a lot of luck, I can get one of these trees to have fruit and my Grandchild will plant a seed for me!

Pennsylvania is not an orange tree type of state. But if it can be done....I will do it!

I think I've rambled enough for now...lol.

Enjoy your day....and the Summer.

Thursday, July 12, 2007



Another mile stone in the summer has come and gone.

The Briggs Farm Blues festival.

Every year Jimmy M.C.'s the festival. He and Briggs family have been friends for years and because Jimmy's Bar was a well known Blue's Bar he took his Blues experience and volenteered to M.C. the festival every year for the past 10 years.

What began as a way for the Briggs to hold onto their farm has become over the years a Blues Festival that thousands of people look for ward to each July. Richard and Allison Briggs are very loving and wonderful people who have found a way to share their Farm in an incrediable way.

This is my 3rd year of going to the Festival. The first year Jimmy proposed to me there in front of over 3,000 people. Last year we we're newly weds and this year he stood up on that stage in front almost 4,000 people and said how he would do it all over again and how he loves me dearly.

Briggs Farm will always be so special to us.

It's funny.....almost 3 years now and we have yet to have an argument. I don't think we ever will.

Now after the wonderful weekend....it's back to life.

My little Dragon keeps wispering in my ear.....still there.... no matter how much I try to escape it. Still creeping up in my head.

The waiting is going to drive me crazy. Depression keeps trying to find a hold on me and I keep fighting it off.

I just want to start doing something about this. Waiting and waiting and waiting......this is so messed up.

I'm sick and I'm waiting to get sicker so that I can get better. Ok .....gonna go take a Xanax now and shut this damn dragon up for the night!

Monday, July 2, 2007

the waiting.....

The weekend was nice. Great Weather and I worked in the garden most of the time. Putted around the house a bit. My energy level was pretty good until Sunday night. By 7 I was ready for bed.

So why do I feel so down today? Why is it that this whole thing is bothering me so much today?

Yesterday Jimmy and I sat and watched a dvd that a Hep C support group sent to us. It was all positive .....but somehow it really bothered me.

When the dvd was over Jimmy asked me if I get angry because I have Hep C. I told him that I did, but now looking at it I don't know if it is anger. I had thought that I was doing pretty good dealing with this thing. I've been trying not to think about it. I work through the different problems that come up....the ones I now know are part of my little dragon. I try to keep them to myself so that I'm not some kind of whinny pain in the ass.

I was doing good, I think, until today. Or maybe it started last night.

There's this feeling that starts in the pit of my stomach and it grows upward past my throat, past my eye's that well up from it, it fills my mind with confusion and a feeling of being all alone (even though I know I'm not) . Those thoughts and feelings become intertwined with frustration and an overwhelming want to be normal and away from this thing that's inside of me.

Then fear creeps in and the Calendar changes to another month.....

I know I'm closer

...... but I'm afraid of the battle.


Monday, June 25, 2007

Time is going by too fast.

Why do you suppose that as you get older time seems to move faster? Or is just me not wanting the Summer to end.

Jimmy's away this weekend and I have too much time to myself. I never minded spending time by myself.....but it seems harder right now.

The appartment seems so big and at night somewhat scary since the burgary. I feel safe when he's here.

Of course I have the place locked up like Fort Knox. Dead bolted, Knob locked, the security System armed and phone right beside me. But still.....every little sound in house keeps me awake.

I'm sure this feeling will pass.

Tonight I'll probably sleep like a log. Between not sleeping last night, working today and the wonderful magic hour of the 7pm fatigue that hits every night.....I'm gonna lay my head down and the world come down around me, I don't think it will be able to wake me.

I keep reading Teahs Blog just to see how she's doing. She's incredible. I will be just as strong when it's my turn. If you need a little boost and whole lot of info her blog is the place to go. She listed under my "Hero's".

It was Jimmy's 50 th Birthday this weekend. I thought I'd be a normal person and have a glass of wine. Like an idiot I had 3-1/2 glasses. Why do I do that? I'm not an alcoholic.....I just
somehow started believing that it's what normal people do.

What's with that? I know it's not good. And I know that I spent Sunday feeling like I couldn't get up. God seems to have a way of going knock knock on me. And when his little taps are ignored he tends to whack me upside the head.

So I get it....for the final time....I can either make myself sick and have a glass of wine...or I can decide to feel good and know that feeling good is what truly is normal.

Maybe I'll have to read this to myself every once and a while.

But for know I think I'll go lay down, the rest of my house work will have to wait for tomorrow night.

and the Summer goes speeding by.....