O.M.G.!! Drama Drama Drama! What the hell!

I AM TRYING NOT TO STRESS OUT!!! I REALLY AM!

So this afternoon I happen to look at my cell phone and I see I missed 2 messages.


First message 6:00 pm-

"Ok....hey Sis...this is Deb...how the hell ya doin' ....been a long time....how ya doin'? Just checkin' on ya. Got a little bit of news for ya...well ok...I'll try back later. Maybe tomorrow. Ok love ya...bye"

Second Message 8:00 pm -

"Hey Sis...it's me again...I guess I'll keep tryin' ya...hope everythings good. I have some news...I'll try ya tomorrow"

It's been 6 months -22 days since I told her about Hep C. This is the first I've heard her voice since.

So with Hershey tomorrow and my brain already twisted....can anyone tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do or say her?

Please??????

Guess there wasn't already enough bull shit piled up....."kerplunk"....lets just load some more on there!

It's all fine....just a roller coaster.

I'll be fine.

I am fine.

.....and besides, so what if I'm not? It is what it is....

F*** it...

Here is the one thing that I inherited from my families very political background - I have the stupid smile on....I say my "Good Morning's" and my "Have a Great Day's" as cheery as can be. I go through the business day just hunky doory.Hi Ho Hi Ho.

When I go home, I laugh and joke and I keep the stupid smile on.

So you see?

I am fine.

T-Day

What an awesome Holiday this has been. I couldn't ask for more.

Wonderful food even though my turkey came out a little dry.

My beautiful Husband sitting next to me and my ever growing Family....we actually had all of the kids at one table at the same time!

My Christmas tree was even able to get put up the day after! (only one more gift to buy)

Not to mention 4 full well needed days off of work! - can't forget that!

Incredible!

Did I mention that I love Thanksgiving?

6 more days....

I am thankful for Thanksgiving.

*Snap....and it's Thanksgiving

Well thanks to U.C.'s advice, my Christmas shopping is pretty much done! For the first time in my life I'm finished before Thanksgiving....lol. I absolutely love Amazon.com! I got all of my shopping done online. No stress, No extra fatigue....just a lot of scrolling and searching on the computer.

Whats amazing is that I was able to buy stuff that is out of season like outdoor stuff that I could only buy usually during the warmer months.

I'm starting sound like an advertisement.....I know....but I'll tell ya....I hate shopping and this was a breeze!

My "to-do" list is getting shorter. Now I'm mostly concentrating on Thanksgiving. I got the shopping for dinner done. Complete with the kitchen cabinets cleaned and the Fridge cleaned out.

Today I have the Oven to clean and parts of the house to tackle.

But then there's the bike. The only thing that I've gotten done on it is the beginning of the eagles head on the front fender.

Just on the fender alone, an emblem has to go below the eagle....a riped and tattered US flag has to flow as if blowing in the wind around the eagle and over the top. On the back of the fender the saying "Some gave all, All gave some" (or something like that.

The owner right now is in Malaysia (long story) and won't be back until this week. He's very patient knowing that I'm having trouble.

Right now I don't like the eagle. But in my sleep I can picture it looking much better with the flag flowing around it. If I get too disgusted I'll just wipe it off and start again.

What is wrong with me!! I just can't paint right now! This will be the last painting that I'm going to do until I want to paint again.

As for how I'm feeling ok. Well, I wish I could gain weight, but how do you gain weight when all that you eat is mainly salads and chicken. All food smells so good, but a few bites of beef or deep fried food (to name a couple) make me nauseous. Maybe Thanksgiving will add a few pounds....or at least hold me at the weight I'm at right now.

I love Thanksgiving. I think it's my favorite. I can have my family all together and I can give them all the gift of a beautiful meal. I just love it!

The only thing that bothers me at this time of year is my own family. I don't care how many years go by or how many things happen....I think I'll always long for my family on the Holidays. But just like believing in Santa, I've come to realize that it's just not a reality. What my childhood didn't destroy...Hep C has.

12 Days to go.....now no matter what anyone tells me, that little "Fear" voice has stepped up in tone. The battle is closer and I'm ready....but the fear is still there. I guess it makes me stronger, because when I think about.....the fight has already begun.

The Alarm Clock

So much for getting up at 5am....I'm driving my poor husband nuts with the alarm!

He doesn't sleep well to begin with and falls asleep at around 2 or 3 am just about every morning. Then whammy....my alarm goes off. I'm tired and I hit the snooze a couple of times.

Well, you get the picture....

I'm not getting anything done anyway. I go into the bike parts to paint and I'm so tired that I screw the painting up. I have to start over tomorrow on an eagle that I began and totally screwed up. Time to wipe it off and begin over from scratch. I have to get this work done and out of my way.

I won't be taking another paint job for a while. I don't know if I'm just burned out on it (too much paid artwork kills the passion) or if I just have too much on my brain to sit and paint a big job like this bike.

I wish I could just hand it back and say "not now". But I feel obligated.

On top of that I have a plotter that can't read software. I've been working on that for days now.

On top of that, I have a website I haven't touched since I re-formatted my harddrive and a MySpace for the Bar that I haven't touch for weeks.

I also have a security camera system that needs to be put online for the bar and an inventory system that sits waiting to be set up.

And let's not forget the holidays....shit.... I forgot about the holidays!

Plus I work 9 to 5.

Now you know why I want to get up at 5 am.

At night I'm just too tired. I feel like I'm not getting anything done and time is slipping by.

Hurry hurry hurry....21 days to go and I'm running out of time.

I'm both excited to get to started getting over this and scared, and panicked. I want everything done....but I'm beginning to see that that is not realistic.

I'm giving up 5am. At 6:30 am I'll get done what I can and maybe I'll be able to find more energy in the evening.

Did I mention how much I hate this? "....is that where my passion has gone? Maybe I should paint a dragon....."