October

*SNAP and October is gone.

It just started and I turned around and here it is...over.

29 day's to go until Hershey.

There's a part of me that wants so bad for this to be over....but then there's this scared little voice down deep in my soul who quietly say's "Don't rush it".

The waiting is making it worse.

I've been feeling good lately. For the past couple of weeks the fatigue that I've had was self inflicted. There's just so many things that I want to do before treatment. I get up at 5 am just to have a few extra hours.

It'll be funny if when I start I don't have any of the nasty side effects. Wouldn't that be great?

I'm not counting on it. I'm counting on the worst and then maybe if it's not the worst...I'll have a nice surprise.

Why do I come here and write when I'm down?

I hate this...

....and the calendar turns to November.

Yeah!!! U.C. IS VIRUS FREE!!!!

What awesome news!

Went to NY on Saturday to hang out with U.C. and Tea. What a wonderful time. They are two of the most beautiful people that I know. It was such a pleasure spending the day with them and getting to know them.

Thank you both for such a great day!

While we were in NY, U.C. broke the news....She's Virus Free!

Boy the day just couldn't have been any better! How incrediably wonderful is that!

The both of them are my inspiration and have become a strength that I'll carry with me throughout my treatment.

U.C. Completed her treatment and came out at the other end Virus Free and Tea has just completed her 66th shot! Now if these two are'nt the best examples to follow no one is!

I love and admire both of them.

Got lost going into NY and coming out...lol. Damn mapquest!

On the way in I wanted the Lincoln Tunnel and wound up in Jersey City at the Holland Tunnel. (I usually go the Gearge Washington Bridge but mapquest sent me to the Lincoln Tunnel...I thought it knew better than me)

On the way out I wound up in major traffic downtown and got turned around. I found myself on the east side of the island and had to go back through the traffic to get to the George Washington Bridge (I was going home the way that I knew) but somehow I found myself at the Throgneck bridge! WOW...way out of my way! Stopped at the bridge regained my direction and finally found the Gearge Washington Bridge. LOL...set out to leave the island at around 7:30 and got home at 11:30! It's usually only a 2-1/2 hour drive.

Anyway....getting lost always teaches me a new place. I had a nice little tour of NY. lol

As for me...I've felt great all weekend. Poor Jimmy seems to have taken feeling bad away from me and has gotten a cold. I hate seeing him sick, he worries too much about what he's not getting done and can't really rest because it's so much on his mind. I wish I could just take care of his work for him.

38 days to go until I'm in Hershey.

That's not a long time right?

October is almost half gone....

So the A & B vaccinations are done.

Yesterday at work was hard. I don't know if I ate something that I shouldn't have or what caused it, but I was so fatigued that my body literally ached (hurt) wanting to lay down. I was worried that I was getting sick, I pushed through the long day and got it over with. Hell I even made Stromboli for the Dart teams. (Tuesday Night is Dart Tournament night at the Bar)

Everyone tells me not to push myself, but I feel so much better if I can. In my mind, if I didn't push through yesterday I would have woken up this morning not feeling as good as I do right now. What everyone doesn't understand is that when I felt like shit like yesterday, if I had not pushed through the day I would have slept like shit last night...and felt like shit today. The more I give into, it the longer it grabs a hold of me.

Might not make any sense to anyone else, but it does to me.

I know that when I start treatment all of that might change....but for now I push through it. When treatment starts I'll go with the flow and see what works.

I woke up this morning and Wa-La....I feel fine again! It's morning, the sun's coming up and the day is going to be beautiful! ....rain and all...lol

That's what counts!

The leaves are almost all changed. The weather is finally changing to colder this week and I have 51 Days left until I go to Hershey

....not much longer now!

Forgiving or move on...

Tea...I've spent more than half of my life trying to forgive.
Trying to forgive things that caused me to be separated from my "Leave It To Beaver" type of family.

First I struggled to find them...then I struggled to except them and tried to move past what happened so many years ago. Things that my parents would never or could never discuss even today. Things that to them are dirty little secrets that they've swept under some old rug and would just as soon forget about. (even though it's almost half of my life and I am what was being swept)

My life has made me strong. My past has taught me so many lessons that most people are never taught.
Forgiving has been a very hard lesson to except.

I've spent so many years without them....raising myself without their support and guidance. Wishing it all to be different and crying because it wasn't.

But then I found them...Sisters and Brothers...a Mother and Father. All of my little girl memories came rushing back. All the good memories ....sunny days and Christmas nights with my mother at the piano. Time with my Grandmother. So much good....

I was coping with pretending nothing happened because I believed that having them in my life was more important to me then revenge or anger.

Debbie (my sister) was just a young girl when I left so many years ago. She had no control over what was happening....although now I know that she knew back then what was happening to me...When I found her I knew I couldn't lay blame on her, she was just too young ....she was 18 the day I left.

I think she just excepted that I was gone and moved on with her life.

I guess out of everything, the part that is the hardest thing is to "forgive".

I wanted to be home...safe and sound...but everyone moved on...and I became lost with no one to rescue me.

So forgive....I've tried forgiving...I thought I was winning the battle...but I think I'm wrong...I think she's just still moving on.

See, it's not just the Hep C. It's not just the lack of education about a virus. It's not even as though she thinks she can contract the virus from me, she's in Florida and I'm in PA.

It's the moving on.

It's the point that I searched for them...I looked for them...and I found them. I traveled to meet them and I kept myself in their lives since then.

It's no longer about forgiving....now it's about reality.

Hep C has given me a reality check.

So here it is, my little reality check...

When I hear the phone ring and Debbie crosses my mind....move on.
When I'm down and I want my Mommy.....move on.

Sometimes moving on is the only thing that we can do....through all of these years....through an entire 42 years of life....it's taken a tiny little virus to teach me one of life's biggest and hardest lessons.

I'm moving on.

Grrrrrr....Fatigue

What is with this? I know it's Hep C that causes fatigue, but what is it about Hep C that causes it?

I mean what is the Hep C doing that makes me drag my butt so much?

I go to bed at night and 9 times out of 10 I'm so tired that I can puke....then I wake up tired. The 1 time out of 10 that I'm not totally wiped out at night I usually wake up way too early, unable to go back to sleep but feeling like hell....so I just get up anyway.

Coffee and tea are my best friends (even though I know they shouldn't be).

And who knew that fatigue could be so uncomfortable? My whole body screems "I'm exausted lay me down". But I try to push through.

I live with it....sometimes it's not easy but I try to keep it to myself and carry on. It seems like if I bitch about it, it just gets harder....it seems like the fatigue grabs a harder hold like something in my brain is just giving into being tired. If I just try to struggle through the day and put my mind elsewhere I end up on the couch the moment that I come through my front door...but I made it through the day.

Being busy at work seems to help too. The less that I have time to think about it the better I'm able to push through the day. It hurts my concentration at times, but I'm starting to realize that I have to work harder at paying attention. That's a chore in itself.

Food seems to make a difference. I've eaten so many salads that I should be turning green. Last night I had pasta and this morning I'm not feeling too terrible.Give me a hamburger or deep fried food and I will feel like shit a few hours later.

Then it's a circle that I end up in...Eat a burger ...feel like shit....get exausted...don't eat because I feel like shit...feel like shit because I'm not eating...get upset because I lost some weight...back to salads.

I don't think it's my liver. I haven't had a liver biopsy yet, but I don't think my liver could be that bad. Or at least I hope not.

So what it has to be the Hep C., what exactly is it doing that makes me feel like this?

Well anyway....3 days until my last A&B vacine.

76 days until I go to Hershey.

And my sister...she hasn't called. I think I'll just stop waiting for that one. (shouldn't matter anyway)

Hi Ho, Hi Ho it's off to work I go.....

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope