Day 200

200....wow have I really been doing this for 200 days? OMG this is long isn't it?

135 to go.

I made it to my son's football game yesterday. It was pretty neat! I love going to the high school football games and now with my son playing it makes going that much more fun to watch!

I think the cold air actually helped me feel somewhat better while we where there. Kinda helped with the fatigue a bit.

By the time we got home and out of the cool morning air, I crashed. I spent the rest of the day on the couch in between doing some laundry and having the kids clean the house up a bit.

Yesterday was pretty good for a day after my shot day.

Today is very fatigued....but still not too terrible. Just hard enough to force me into submission. I can't do much of anything today.

We go to Jimmy's family reunion this afternoon. Thank God I can just sit and hang out. Doesn't take much energy to do that. If I start feeling too bad I'll just borrow my father-in-laws couch!

It's a beautiful day out so maybe being outside will help how I feel.

This is one of those days that you want to slap your own face and say "ok now snap out of it". Only problem is that it doesn't work....you just wind up with a red face!

I've been thinking a lot about my Mother lately. I can't help but think that this would be so much easier if I just had her in my life the way she should be. I can't bring myself to call her again...she just doesn't have a clue how hard this is and she never calls me. I guess that you just can't really pick up the pieces after so many years go by. I have to just resolve myself into understanding that I lost her 20 some odd years ago and even though I found out where she was....I never really found her.

Enough of the depressing bullshit!

It's a beautiful day and we have a picnic to go to.....

Have a Beautiful Sunday everyone!

Day 198

Yep it's Friday again! This time it's with a nice 3 day weekend

I don't know what excites me more about the 3 day weekend - The idea that I have 3 days off of work or the idea that next week is only a 4 day work week!

Saturday morning my son plays in his very first High School football game! The game starts at 9 am, so I'm really hoping that tonights Peg. shot goes easy on me! Either way I'm going even if I have to take a blanket to keep warm and ibuprofen to stay upright! lol

Sunday is Jimmy's annual family reunion. He's got such a wonderful loving family that I so much enjoy their reunions.

It's going to be a nice weekend as long as Ducky stays close by.

I woke up this morning and the waking up was really slow. But now that I'm up and fully awake, I'm not feeling half bad! It's a good sign that this shot might be nice to me. I try to keep it positive and not think about the shot on my way home this week. Last week it was tuff having to come home realizing that I'm about to make myself feel like crap again.

This week I'm just going to try not to think about it. Thinking just makes things harder. I'll push it out of my brain and just go about it mechanically.

Have a Wonderful Friday everyone!

Day 197

Still goin' good!

It's Thursday and tx is still being ok on me. The fatigue is deal able and even my itching has let up somewhat thanks to the Aveno chap stick (silly I know...but hey if it works!)

Jimmy's been after me to call Hershey to find out what my blood counts were the last time we were there. I just can't seem to make that phone call.....I'm so afraid of them upping the peg. from 75 to 100 that I just haven't called. I really don't want anymore poison than I'm already taking. The sides just become too much already.

And I can't imagine how my hair would react to even more Interferon. I'd go bald for sure!

If they do raise it....I'll take it. But for now I just can't bring myself to push the issue by calling.

If I start to falter again, I'll call just to check how low my counts really are and to make sure they aren't falling lower.

For today I don't feel too terrible.

In the back of my mind I still wonder if "not feeling too terrible" is just a comparison to how bad I can feel.

I mean imagine! If this is feeling my best right now....I'm going to feel like a million dollars when this is all over with! I'll be so used to excepting this level of "an ok day" that when this tx is over and the drugs have filtered out....life is going to be so wonderfully alive!

I can't wait.

For now, for today....I'm still just Ducky.

Day 196

Wow! Wednesday and I'm still feeling pretty good!

The fatigue is taking it easy on me. It comes and goes, but it just hasn't been hitting me as hard as it was last week. Thank God!

Last night the itching on my upper back and neck was driving me so crazy that I had to find some kind of relief. The only thing that I could think of using to actually help was the Aveno medicated chap stick that I had bought when my lips began cracking. Yep! I put Aveno chap stick on my back and my neck! lol....it did work! I had the first night in weeks fairly itch free! I'm stopping at the drug store tonight for more!

Hey, at this point I'll use anything that works!

I got another pick-me-up posted under yesterdays comments, My friend Terry who is just 4 months post tx is camping in Alaska with the bears in the rain! Can you believe it! Wow! Just goes to show that there is life after tx! He's been on the go ever since he completed this treatment. Now that's inspiration!

I just can't wait!

Have a Great Hump Day everyone!

I'm still hangin' with Ducky!

Day 195

For a Monday, yesterday was surprisingly pretty good! It was slow moving but the horrible fatigue that has plaguing me wasn't as extreme as it has been. I was left with the normal Monday run down feeling.

This treatment is truly unpredictable. It actually seems as though it goes eanie, meanie, miney, moe.....you feel like crap! Then eanie, meanie, miney, moe....ok you can feel better. There is no controlling it. it does what it pleases.

This morning I'm waking up feeling pretty good again. Even better than yesterday.

How many more weeks to go? I can't wait until this is over....

I think that Jimmy and I have decided to go to Walt Disney World when tx is done. I've always wanted to go as an adult. No kids, (I mean I know) just Jimmy and I playing and celebrating tx being done. At 40 something and all of these months of tx, there's still a kid in me that needs to escape!

Gives me something to look forward to. Something to plan. A positive goal to make.

All seems pretty good today and I think Ducky is actually my Friend again! (I hope I'm not jinxing it!)

Have a Ducky Day Everyone!

Day 194

So Friday turned to shit. Halfway through the day I became very nauseous and fatigued. It was very hard considering the day started off so well.

After work I got in my car to go home and all I could do was sit there and cry. I knew I had to go home to the Friday night Peg. shot and I was just not ready to do that. Fridays are getting so hard anymore.

I got home, cried a little more and took the shot. What else could I do?

Saturday and Sunday where spent on the couch. Fatigue kept hitting and putting me down.

These weekends are soooo waisted.

It's Monday morning and after a whole lot of sleep and lounging around on the couch I think I'm feeling somewhat better. At least I feel ok sitting up and sitting still. The moving around will have to be slow today, but maybe it won't be too bad.

The hair continues to fall out, the skin on my neck, upper back and scalp are so dry that it's starting to peal a little........everything itches all the time and nothing seems to help!

I know, I know.....bitch bitch whine whine! lol....but sometimes I just can't help it.

Ok, so a positive? Sure.....the news keeps talking about it being the End of Summer. I can't wait for the leaves to change! :)

Have a Great Monday everyone!

Day 191

Friday! It's going to be a fantastic Friday!

I woke up this morning after another 10 hours of mostly good sleep and I'm actually feeling pretty good!

Thank God because tonight is once again Peg. night. I'm hoping that since I am feeling so much better today that my shot won't kick my ass as much as it did last weekend.

ummm...hope I'm not jinxing myself!

Well Happy Friday Everyone!

I'm feeling "Just Ducky"!

Day 190

Yesterday was on and off with fatigue. That was better than it has been, it was constant. Work was busy, it was of those days where I just couldn't get caught up. That's ok because it made the day go by.

Last night was about 12 hours of on and off sleep. I'd sleep and then wake up itching like crazy, grab a sip of water and fall back to sleep.

I keep having crazy dreams! They seem so real. Last night was really weird because in my dream there was someone shouting "You Have Answered The Phone. Please leave. The Police Have been called". They kept shouting it and shouting it and shouting it, until I finally woke up and realized that a burglar alarm was going off and it actually was saying " You have entered a protected area, Please leave immediately. The Police have been called"!

At first I though it was our burglar alarm. But it was the neighboring business instead. 1:30 in the morning.....umph! Man, if I where a burglar and an alarm went off like that I'd shit my pants! LOL you can hear those alarms go off for blocks around. I guess that's why it doesn't bother me too much when ours goes off accidentally.....let's everyone know that our place is armed. So when a neighboring alarm goes off, if it's a burglary I hope the jerk had a heart attack over the surprise of all of that yelling and if it's an accident I think....good for you! now everyone knows that your armed too!

Took a while to go back to sleep after that, but I went right back to my up and down. It's funny I think that my mind argues with my body on how much sleep I should be getting. I think that's why I just can't sleep right through the night.

But 12 hours later, here I am feeling even better than I did yesterday. Waking up this morning the fatigue doesn't seem to be hitting me the way that it has been.

Maybe today will be a Ducky day! Boy I need it, so my fingers are crossed!

Day 189

Yesterday started getting better. The day at work was long but it made for a good distraction. I came home ate supper and hit the bed at 8:00. It was up and down all night but at least I was able to fall right back to sleep.

After 10-1/2 hours of half assed sleep, this morning seems brighter. At least my head is clearer and the fatigue isn't pounding in my heart quite as hard as it has been. That's a really good sign because it's only Wednesday and maybe this week I'll be back up to par before Fridays Peg. shot.
There is no ryme or reason to the side effects of this treatment. But I do know that if I feel like shit on Friday and then I take that shot on top of it....my rolloer coaster goes crashing down.

This week is going to be different damn it because I'm sick of feeling this way already!

I also got a good sign at work yesterday. Every year I dread the day that the mail brings those little catalogs filled with Christmas cards. This year it was a wonderful sight to see. I know how fast Christmas comes after we get those catalogs and usually I'm sitting there staring at them in disbelief saying "They can't be advertising this already!" But then the time fly's and before I know it I'm decorating the tree.

This year has brought me a different attitude.

Thank God for those catalogs because I end tx on the second week of January! Let Christmas come! WooHoo! The hell with this Summer already!

I think I may even try to get some shopping done early this year just to make the time go a little faster. What the hell....if it would make the time go even faster I'd put the tree up now! lol

Yes, I'm starting to feel better.
My Ducky is calling my name......







Jimmy's been tooling right along on the building front work.

Isn't it beautiful! It's really going to look cool.

He's only got about a million hours to go yet.

Day 188

O.M.G. How much longer do we have to do this?

The fatigue is sometimes unbearable. It's only grown worse since last week. I'm hoping that I snap out of it today.

They told me that the fatigue will get worst on the second half of tx ....but I really didn't believe them. I guess now I'm starting to.

What do we have, 4 more months of this?

I try not to think about it. I've been fighting the depression of all of it. I try not to look forward and I try not to look in the mirror too much.

The mirror....well I guess I'll have to soon figure out what to wear on my head. I'm hoping that I can hold out until fall or winter so that I won't look so out of place wearing a hat or scarf.

My lovely 15 year old told me over the weekend "Mom if you and Jimmy wear the same kind of clothes you'll look like twins from the back!" I hadn't realized how bald I was getting until he cracked that joke. I sort of yelled at him for saying such a thing....but then he looked at me and said "Well I'd rather joke about it ....what else can you do?" He meant no harm. Poor kid just doesn't know what to think or say.

I spent the evening the other night with my hair drenched in Lubiderm body moisturizer. I couldn't stand the dry itchy scalp any longer and I figured that something had to help. After sitting with it for a couple of hours in my hair I rinsed my hair out with cold water. Man did that feel good! It did help my scalp. Didn't help the hair falling out though.

My hair continues to fall out by the hand fulls. I thought this would slow down by now. I was going to get it cut and styled but now there is so little of it that if I cut it the bald spot will surely show. I thought about a wig, but then it would just look as though I'm wearing a wig. Even if it was a really good wig, my mind would still say "you're wearing a wig!". I'm leaning more towards a scarf or something like that. I can't say that I ever liked the way I looked in them....but hey I don't like the way I look right now either.

For now I can wear the little bit of hair that I have up and sort of cover the bald areas. I'm sure you could tell......but hey it is what it is.

I must be feeling somewhat better....I just typed a whole bunch of stuff huh? lol

Gotta get ready for work. Hope this day brings less to no fatigue. I hope this day is better.....

Enjoy your Tuesday everyone.

Day 187

The weekend was spent on the couch. Man oh man talk about fatigue!

I just don't even have the energy to even post today.

I'm sorry....maybe tomorrow will be better.

Have a nice Monday everyone

Day 185

My little drummer boy has been having a grand ole time playing around on my neck for the past couple of days. The Ibuprofen turned his tune down for most of the day yesterday but last night sleeping was a killer. Whats up with that? Did the Peg. shot piss him off?

I took a sleeping pill before going to bed last night and even that didn't help the whole night through. I got up in the middle of the night and waisted a frozen bag of peas and carrots trying to shut him up. It worked long enough to let me fall back to sleep. But still I was up and down all night.

This morning I'm paying for it. Today will definitely be a couch day.

Between the Peg. shot, sleeping pill and the Ibuprofen last night my stomach is now revolting. The little drummer boy's strumming on my neck muscles very quietly....thankfully....but the thought of looking forward to having to eat anything in order to take my Ribavirin is turning my stomach even more.

This day will be about peanut butter toast and the couch.

My Daughter, with her sprained ankle, and I will make a nice couple for the day. I enjoy spending time with her, but spending time with her?....this isn't exactly what I had in mind!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Day 184

After I took the Ibuprofen yesterday the little drummer boy gave up his beating and strumming on my neck, but the feeling like crap stayed with me all day long. It wasn't the worst that I can feel....just one of those "My ass is dragging all day" type of things.

I just really wanted to find my bed.

I went home and ran a couple signs off on the plotter for the new ladies room that Jimmy's been slaving over getting done for the past week. While I was downstairs applying them my daughter, who works downstairs waitressing, took a spill on the steps.

Now this is the child who would scream bloody murder over a splinter in her finger. So as she sat at the bottom of the steps wailing and all the customers in the bar where jumping up to her rescue, I had to pull out the Mommy tone to get her to stop long enough to find out how much damage there really was. "Crystal...Stop it right now!" and the bar went silent. lol They must have thought that I was the biggest bitch in the world....but if I don't get her past the wailing bit I can never tell how injured she is!

A trip to the hospital turned out that she sprained her ankle. No broken bones. They wrapped the ankle, gave her a script and crutches and sent her on her way.

Looks like it's gonna be another "Roads End General Hospital" again this weekend! 2 of us hanging out on the couches.

Woke up this morning and thought "oh good, no drummer boy!" lol , and then I sneezed....yep...there he is. I took 2 Ibuprofen about half an hour ago and he's letting up already.

My skin is so dry that the skin on the back of my neck is tight. I'm wondering if that's not causing my little drummer friend to start jumping up again. I drink water constantly but it doesn't seem to really help. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I didn't so much water.

It's Friday. I don't think I feel as bad as I did yesterday....it's hard to tell this early in the morning. My fingers are crossed that I feel even better by tonight's Peg shot. That seems to set the pace for how the weekend will treat me.

We'll see.

For now I just keep motoring along...

Have a Great Friday everyone!

Day 183

I woke up this morning with my old friend the little drummer boy was playing a tune on the back of my neck.

Grabbed some Ibuprofen to shut him up.

For some reason I just can't get to the point that I'm good this week. It seems to stay just out of my reach.

Still, I know it could be worst.

I'll just keep motoring through it and hopes that it gets better.

I'm sure that it will.

Ducky is just around the corner......

Day 182

A Letter from Teah:

"I'm still in Tbilisi. It's better now, after many days of escalation Russians (devils) are ceasing fire, at least on the papers. But of course they still bomb different lacations. Now whole world saw their real face. My daughter is with me, my mother took a risk and went to the mountains to bring her here. She was lucky to go through that road Russians bomb permanentely and stay alive. I don't understand how they could dare to do what they are doing. They are saing that it was to defence their citizens on Georgian land. Is not it bullshit? If you want to defend your citizens you aks them to come back home. And there was no one and from no one to defend. The only real reason behind it is that Russians can't let NATO and USA influence the region. Georgia wants to be partners with USA, they want to join NATO. Does Russia want it? OF course not. I'm planning to return to NY as before, on September 6, if nothing changes.Thank you for your support. It really helps when you know someone worries about you."

Tuesday night the news reported that Russia has finally stopped shelling Georgia. I hope everything stays calm there until Teah and her daughter leave on Sept 6th.

It must be so difficult for her to leave her family in Georgia when she comes home to the U.S.

Her Mom is such a brave soul! But I couldn't imagine leaving leaving her there. My heart goes out to all of them.

As for me the week so far has been about a lot of fatigue and not feeling the best.....but I don't feel the worst either. This is one of those weeks that my body say's either you take it easy or I'm going to make you hurt! So I go to bed early and I try to go slow throughout the day.

It seems to be getting better as the week goes on, so hopefully before Fridays shot, I'll feel good again. If not Friday's shot is going to kick my ass!

Day 181

Our friend Teah each year travels from N.Y. City to her Mother Country, Tbilisi Georgia, to take her daughter to visit her father while on Summer break from school.

On Friday Georgia tried to regain control over the Breakaway region of South Ossetia. Russia went on a vicious attack and up until last night looked as though it was going to move to overthrow the Capital of Tbilisi.

Last night Russia stopped after it's troops reached and attacked the Georgian town of Gori, 75 miles from Tbilisi.

The U.S. citizens where evacuated out of Georgia yesterday morning, but Teah was not leaving without her daughter who was in the Mountains with her father. She said that travel from the mountains to Tbilisi would be too dangerous.

Our thoughts and prayers are with Teah and her family. We haven't heard from her to see if she was able to get her Daughter and leave Tbilisi. We haven't heard anything from her since before the evacuation.

I have the terrible feeling that this is not over. Russia continues to threaten the President of Georgia saying the he Must step down. While the fighting has stopped this morning the tension continues to rise.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for the safety of Teah and her family. This girl has been through so much in her life!

Day 180

It rained most of the day yesterday and that was ok because my energy kept me on the couch anyway.

I woke up this morning feeling more of the same, but today is Monday and there's no couch for me! I'm hoping that I snap out of this by the time I get to work. If I don't I'm always thankful that I have a desk job.

Even on days at work that I don't feel like being there I can always make the day go faster by occupying my mind with work so long as the brain fog doesn't cloud my thinking.

So far this morning it's just fatigue....

We'll see how the day goes from here. You would think that I'd be used to having Mondays like this by now. lol

Day 179

The picnic yesterday was a treat!

We got there a little late. There was an accident on the interstate and traffic went to a crawl. Took us about an hour to go 10 miles. Finally got there around 1:00.

It was in a nice little park in a town called Camp Hill outside of Harrisburg.

It was funny to see my Study nurse and Doctor in a different setting. It's also nice to know that they are just as caring outside of their profession as they are in it. They really are incredible people!

I got to learn that not only does my Doctor hold support group meetings at her home (which I already knew) But she also belongs to a band! Her band, called Godsend, does support/inspiration missions to the Prisons. I'm not sure what religion her faith is through, but I do know that she is a Doctor who believes that Science and Faith go hand in hand for healing.

Her band played a few songs at the picnic and wow where they really great! What talent! Amazing! Who would have thought Doc was so incredibly extra talented!

That combination has made her truly into a healer and not just a Doctor with a practice for a business. She really does care.

My Study Nurse, Sandy, who we didn't think was going to make it to the picnic because she believed that she had a prior commitment to baby setting her grandchildren, was there! It was so great that she could make it. It wouldn't have been complete without her.

Turns out that her daughter was using the baby setting as a cover to make her Mother keep the date open on her calendar. When her daughter found out about the picnic she came clean. It was Sandy's 40th wedding anniversary yesterday and her Daughter bought Neil Diamond concert tickets for her parents for last night! So Sandy made it to the half of the picnic!

Thing about my Study Nurse and my Doctor is that they match up perfectly as a team. Both are very incredible caring women.

Jimmy and I got to meet a couple of people. We met a woman and her Husband who are on the same trial as we are. She's doing pretty good. She pretty much has the same sides as I do except she gets the Riba-rage and I get the depression more. We wound up sitting with them through most of the picnic. They where a nice couple with a sweet 15 year old son.

We also met a gentleman who has been through a bit of hell and back, who spoke at the picnic. He was a partyer who wound up with Hep C, began tx and had his Liver failing. Went onto the list for a transplant and wound up being taken off the list due to a cancerous tumor in his liver. He went chemo and finally had to have the tumor removed after which he was placed back on the transplant list. He received a new liver last September. For all the hell he's gone through he looks and sounds great!

It did sort of help put this tx in perspective. Made me thankful. Things could be a whole lot worst.

We wound up having to leave a little early due to my Friday night Peg. shot causing me major fatigue.

A couple of hours of being there and I wanted my couch.

I'm so glad that we made it. It was such a positive end to a very ruff week. Perfect timing.

This morning I'm waking up feeling that washed out feeling. Today will have to be a couch day. I have to get through the weekend side effects before work tomorrow so I'll have to take it easy today.

All and all I think it'll be a "just Ducky" day.....from my couch! lol

Happy Sunday everyone.

Day 177

T.G.I.F. (Minus the Peg. Shot tonight)

This has been a long week! It's taken the week just to get myself out of the dark fog that I've been in. I'm hoping that tonights Peg. shot doesn't take me back into the thick of it.

Depression seems to be a terrible disabling side effect of this treatment. It comes and goes for me. When it's here it's very hard to shake. It goes on for days.

Seems like the only way that I can shake it is to try to pretend I'm fine. Smile when I feel like crying. After a few days it just starts to let up.

I pray that the "Letting up" continues to happen. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to get stuck in depression.

So today my mind feels a bit better. Not as weighed down.

I must be driving my poor Husband nuts!

Something else that seems to help is sleep and the lack of it seems to make the fog darker.

For the last couple of nights I've made myself go to bed early. I didn't always go right to sleep and when I did I was up and down most of the nights....but I still went to bed early.

Last night I finally slept like a log and this morning is so much brighter than the week has been.

Tomorrow we'll go to Hershey for a picnic that the Hershey Trial Doctors and Nurses are throwing for the Trial Patients. I'll get to meet some of my Hershey Trial buddies face to face. This is a picnic for all of the trials that Hershey has done with Hep C Patients past and present. It's their way of saying thank you. I think that's pretty cool!

Hopefully my shot tonight will be nice to me tomorrow so that I can enjoy it! :)

For today I think Ducky has come home again. I hope he stays for a while!

Have a Nice Friday everyone....may all of your roller coasters fly level!

Day 176

Well at least this morning my cursor will allow me to make paragraphs! lol

I'm starting to come out of the dark again....I think.

In this tx it seems like every once and a while I hit a brick wall. My brain starts saying "look at yourself....really look at yourself....you look like hell and these drugs are doing it to you."

It brings me down because I know my brain is right. I do look like hell. Even my face has changed from the weight I've lost.

There are mornings that it's hard to see that in the mirror.

Sure most mornings I just ignore it and concentrate on getting ready for the day. But there are times when this life of mine grows dark, all I can see in the mirror is the change.

I start wondering, will I come back after this is all over? Will I look the same as I did before this all started? How will these drugs have changed me. Is it possible to put such a beating on a body and then have it bounce back without it leaving the scares of 48 weeks?

When I'm in the darkest part of my mind all I hear is "No.....it's not possible...how can you make it back from all of this".

But then some of the darkness starts to lift and I can remember Teah, Terry and Iris. All 3 look great. Teah with her 72 weeks of these drugs, Terry with his 48 weeks and Iris with her 24....they all look great! So why won't I?

Less than 23 more weeks to go....Ask 2 days ago could I make it? I would have said "O.M.G. I don't know".

Ask me yesterday I would have said "I think maybe".

Ask me today I'll tell you "I'm not giving in".

Will tomorrow be better? Boy I hope so.

The mental stress of all these drugs, the side effects and the taking of them sometimes becomes unbearable.

The war is not just in the body, it's in the mind too.

They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Whoever first said that had to be on tx!

Through all of the trials my life has put me through....this is the hardest of all.

I'm looking for Ducky.....I know he's getting closer....

Day 175

This tx is just on big roller coaster. I try to keep making myyself ok, but it keeps pulling me down. I don't want to have to take the A.D.'s, they just add sides to my already long list so in the end they make me feel worst. I'm sure I'll feel better with a little extra rest. (Please excuse the really long paragraph, this thing isn't letting me hit enter to go to the next one.) I overslept this morning. I was up and down all night and then when I finally started getting some good sleep I woke up to find that it was 7:30. Ooops! Oh well, I got an extra hour of sleep out of it anyway. Yesterday dragged. Bad days usually do. It feels like it should be Friday already. Hopefully today flies. I always feel better when I get home from work and have a little time with Jimmy. Hi Ho, Hi Ho it's off to work I go.....

Day 174

Drugs Drugs Drugs Drugs Drugs! I swear their killing me!

I look like shit.....my hair looks like shit....I've lost so much weight that I feel like a twig....and I'm really getting sick of all of it!!!!

I'm even more sick of shoving those damned needles into my stomach 4 times a week! I mean really...what the hell.

Yes I'm ranting this morning!

23 more weeks of this to go? There will be nothing left of me by then. I'll be a skeleton with no freakin' hair! Won't that be beautiful.

Yes, this morning I want to sit down in the middle of the floor and cry.

But then everyone else feels like shit then. They don't know what to do with me or say to me.....I wouldn't know either.

So I paste that stupid smile on my face and I keep on moving forward.

It's almost mechanical now.

I try to stop my brain from thinking about it. I try to just look at today. But I pick up that needle or those pills and my brain jumps right to "23 more weeks to go".

Yes I know....I'll grow the hair back. Yes I know.....I'll gain the weight back., The itching all over will go away, My mouth will heal...the lumps will disappear....energy will return ....and Yes I know I've already made it past halfway.

The problem with all of that is that I'm watching and feeling "today". I can't see the "when this is all over" because that feels like a lifetime away.

I know I'm probably not making much sense. I guess this is just a bad morning and it will pass....

I'll slap that "Stupid Smile" on and go to work.

The day will get better........

Day 173

Monday .....BLAH!!!!!!

I putted around the house all day yesterday doing little to nothing.

The kids were over so I did manage to throw a roast in the oven and Sunday dinner with the kids was nice. I'm hoping that as they get older we continue our little Sunday dinner. My oldest is 22 and still comes around for it.

I started working with Dreamweaver, the program that I'll now have to start using to rebuild our website. (Thanks to Microsoft!) It;s twisting my brain and I keep having to walk away from it. I understand everything that's going on, it's just that I now have to learn where everything is and what hoops it wants me to jump through to get the job done.

While learning this new program I'm also trying to decide on a layout for the new website. This program is a more sophisticated program and I can make a more professional looking website with it. I'm just up in the air as to what I want the site to look like! I'll have to spend some time surfing the net to get some good ideas.

Brain fog keeps playing a big roll here. I can feel it coming on while I try to learn. One second I'll be motoring right through the tutorial and the next second I'm sitting there staring at the screen saying "Huh?". I re-read what gotten foggy and if by the time I've read it, 3 or 4 times, I'm still sitting there going huh....I just walk away.

Boy is it going to take a while to build a website at this rate!

I think I may have to just jump into it and figure it out as I go.

Monday morning and a new work week begins. Umph! Tuesday through Friday don't seem to bother me, but Monday morning is a killer.

I wake up in the morning sitting feeling a little shitty from Friday nights shot and getting my mindset right for work is a job in itself.

I force myself to get going and then it's "Hi Ho Hi Ho it's off to work I go!"

Once I get moving I know the week will pass by.

For now I'm feeling like Ducky is just a bit tired.

I'm sure the day will pick up as I go along.....

Day 172

Yep it's Saturday! I'm a couch potato!

There just is no energy and my mouth is killing me. Weekends are the worst. The Friday night Peg. shot kicks me in the butt and the weekend is waisted.

To top it off I have about a hundred t.v. channels and there's nothing on to watch! lol

Boy I'm really going to appreciate my weekends when this is all over!

Hope everyone elses Saturday is wonderful!

Day 171

Went to Hershey yesterday. They gave me the 24 week full physical and bloodwork.

I have to stop at the drug store tonight for new supplies. Something called Biatin (sp?) to try to help my hair loss. Benadril to help me relax at night to sleep and a multivitamin that might help my mouth out a little.....we'll see.

Oh yeah! And medicated Gold Bond for my dry itchy skin.

I have to go to a local eye doc. to have my eye's checked out again for that "what the hell is that" thing that keeps happening.

Sandy said that 45% of the people on the trial are having some type of eye problem, so it could be something left over from the trial drug. Or it could just be a reaction from all the drugs I'm on now. Either way I'll get my eye checked by someone local so the traveling isn't as far when the problem hits again and if there is a problem I'll have it dealt with in Hershey.

Other than that I've lost more weight! Damn it!

I thought that maybe my weight loss had at least stopped. I had hope to have gained a pound maybe two. But no....I lost two more. :( If this keeps up I'll disappear by the end of tx!....or blow away.

Now we wait for my blood work to come back to see if I go full 100 units of Peg.

I hope not because it'll make me feel more like shit and the Peg. is what's causing my hair to fall out.

My fingers are crossed that I complete tx with the 75 unit dosage.

We came home and I fell asleep on the couch last night....something that I usually never do! Wish I could fall asleep like that in bed! lol

I'm dragging this morning. Waking up is not easy. I could use more sleep.

Hopefully I snap out of it as the morning goes along.