Work is frustrating me. It's hard because my body isn't feeling well but my mind knows what needs to be done. That combination in itself is frustrating, but I take it easy.
There are 4 of us in the office, Susan, Craig, Steve and myself. I used to handle all of the orders coming in with confirmations and then entering them into our system. Somehow that job has disappeared from my desk and I find it hard to walk away from it. I also have a hard time with the idea that it just disappeared.
Susan also tries very hard to keep me sitting at my desk as much as possible and I know that Craig is trying very hard not to give me the little everyday tasks that he would usually give me.
They are working so hard at trying to make my work load and chemo manageable that I feel guilty not carrying my own load after all of these years.
They are all so wonderful to me.....and I know I've been sick....I also know that I am playing a constant game of catch up in the job duties that I still retain because of time that I've missed, the move into our new office and my setting up of the network and the new computer, but still I miss my everyday regular tasks. If I where not on this tx I would have been able to handle it all. It's very frustrating to me not to carry my own weight.
Susan calls it pride. I don't think so.. I think it's breaking a way of life for me. I've always worked hard and I've always tried to keep a positive outlook on work even when the work seemed overbearing. For me it's very hard to not forge through a heavy work load with the belief that I'll get through it. It's hard to walk away from it rather than working through it. It frustrates me and will be the one thing that will cause me to take my first Zoloft.
I'm going to start when we get back from Vegas.
I know that this is only for 40 more weeks and then I'll be able resume my full duties (If my job is still there). 40 weeks just seems so far away.
I realize that it's not like I have any choice in the matter....but it is just one more side effect of this tx. Life has changed so much and that change is so hard for me, but I know it has to be and I am blessed with having people in my life like Susan. She is and has been the Sister that I never was able to find.
This morning I woke up feeling so much better than the past 2 days. A little worn feeling and slightly sore, but so much better than I have been. The Tylenol will take the little pains away from the day and I'll be good to go.
My Daughter and I have to go to the High School this morning so that she can present her Senior Project to the panel of Teachers. This is a pretty big day for her as she con not Graduate this year without the boards approval on the project.
She chose to write a book for her project. 11 chapters long and full of laughter and tears. It's a story about a teenager who is a "cutter" and ultimately winds up in a rehad. It's an awesome book and I'm so proud of her for completing it. She truly is a writer. I wish she would choose to continue her education in journalism.....but to date she hasn't made up her mind on that.
After she does her presentation she's going to drive me to the Frackville Mall so that we can get some shopping done for our trip to Vegas. I've fallen from a size 7 to a size 4 and I no longer own clothing that doesn't hang off of me.
She excited about driving as she hasn't really been able to do it much since she got her permit and I've been sick. Her older brother has taken her out, but her father has a new car and refuses to let her drive it yet. It's too big anyway and it would freak her out.
Me on the other hand can't seem to handle leaving my own back yard so this should be very interesting. A kid who has just started driving with a half retarded parent who becomes confused and lost easily! LOL God help anyone between Hazleton and Frackville today!
For today I'm starting to feel Ducky again.
This is the back of a leather jacket that I painted. I don't think that there are too many paintings that I've done where I smiled and chuckled all the way through! I loved painting this not only because of the characters but also because the whole painting was done using nothing more than Black and white paint. Not drop of anything else. Not to mention that painting on leather is a challenge of it's own! I actually hated giving this jacket to it's owner when I was done.
I love Donald Ducks evil look as he watches bugs. (if you can see it....the photo is not so great!)
1 comment:
As time goes by and your body hits full saturation with the drugs, things change. I had to quit Sac State after 4 months of tx because I couldn't concentrate with all the brain fog I had/have. I couldn't process what I needed to do to pass a class and I couldn't concentrate enough to draw, paint or read. At that point I decided to surrender to the tx and to let it take me where it wants. If I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't. If I feel crappy I stay home. The depression comes and goes and it is to be expected, especially during the middle months when you don't see an end to it. I started feeling optimistic around day 300.
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