Day 230

Well I think I deal with Riba-rage pretty good normally. But I have to admit that some things that would normally just irratate me really can piss me off now. I'd say I had one of those moments yesterday....actually one of those hours!

One of my jobs at work is to negotiate rates and check invoices with trucking companies. Each of the trucking companies has a sale rep. One of the trucking companies that I deal with has the majority of our LTL lanes and can't seem to keep a sale rep. for any amount of time. About 3 months ago they hired a new guy.

The new guy is a total idiot when it comes to trucking! He knows next to nothing about it and he's out in the field handling accounts like ours. On Friday I recieved an incorrect billing due to someone there re-classing our freight even though our pricing agreement has an FAK on it. I did what I always did in the past and contacted our Sales Rep. to straighten it out and stop it from happening again in the future.

Yesterday I got a call from the Rep. saying he's working on it, but that the billing may be right. After explaining to him that we have a pricing aggreement, I began to realize that the Rep. had no idea what I was talking about and he had no idea what a freight class actually was. I began explaining class and our pricing aggreement to him to him while he continued to talk over me rambling on about things that have nothing to do with our account or pricing aggreement.

The riba-rage kicked in. But I tried to control it. I told the guy that he does not understand what the problem is.....and he continued to ramble. I finally told him that I didn't care what class he wanted to call our freight, when it comes to billing for it he has to follow the pricing aggreement that we have set up with his company!

The idiot actually told me not to lecture him!

Ba-Boom! Riba-rage slammed the phone down!

This guy has to come in to see me tomorrow morning....what do you want to bet he doesn't show up? Or if he does he brings someone with him. I hope like hell he brings his boss!

After slamming the phone down I called their billing dept. where I talked to a lady name Marjie who after I explained the problem, told me to just fax over a copy of the pricing aggreement and she'll have it corrected and fax me back a corrected copy.

If the idiot brings his boss I plan to tell his boss that he should promote Marjie to Sales Rep. and get rid of the idiot!

O.M.G. ......ok I'm done ranting! lol

Outside of yesterday being an insane busy day, the fatigue wasn't near as bad a past Mondays usually were. It didn't really hit me hard until around 7pm. That seems to be my limit and then it's bed time.

Waking up this morning was slow going again. I could have used another couple of hours of sleep. Now that I'm awake though, I think that the day might turn out half assed good.

My fingers are crossed....

Ducky's still hanging out with me!

Day 229

It was nice weekend in tx land.

I was able to spend the morning on Saturday plotting out and setting up signs for the bar. By around noon the Interferon decided that I was done and I spent the rest of the day lounging around a bit.

Yesterday I got up and did sme design work on 3 stained glass windows for the new wall that Jimmy's been slaving over.

I even got a load of laundry done and cooked Sunday Dinner.

I took a lot of breaks and I moved slow....but all in all the weekend was nice. At least I had some energy.

Of course I wound up in bed at 7:30 both nights.

This morning waking up was ruff. Now that I am awake I think the day may turn out pretty good!

Finally.....I'm just Ducky!

Day 226

WOOHOO!!!! Terry had his post tx 6 month blood work done.....

TERRY IS CURED!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!

:) Congratulations Terry! :)




Yesterday morning was busy. I woke up at 6:30 and had to be at my Family Doctor by 7:30. I haven't seen him since I started tx and I had to a refill on my Propanolol for my heart. It was a nice visit. He's very supportive.

By the time I got out of his office I had just enough time to make it to work.

Run, run, run.....not the thing to do while on tx.

I made it to work on time and the work day was busy.

By late afternoon my study nurse Sandy called. My Lymphocytes have gone from .29 to .33 . Not the increase that I would have liked....but an increase no less. I'm staying on tx and hoping that my Lymphocytes continue to go up.

My Haemoglobin is still pretty low so more than likely I'll stay on the Procrit.

Now I'm waiting for the Doctor to look the blood work results over to determine if anything needs to be adjusted on my meds. I might still be able to get rid of one of my Nuepogen shots.

I've taken 122 injections so far (my poor tummy!)....61 of those have been Nuepogen. It would be nice to get rid of at least one a week.

Last night I did the normal to bed at 7:30. It seems like my body shuts down with the sun.lol

Woke up this morning sluggish and moving slow. You'd think that I'd be wide awake after 11 hours of sleep, but no, waking up comes slow.

Still the reduced dosage is much easier on me. Last week was better than the week before and this week has been a little better than that. I guess that makes next week even more promising.

It's Friday again.....All the rest of the days seem to go by so slow, but not Fridays! They seem to just jump right up.

16 more Fridays to go.

Have a nice Day Everyone.

Day 224

No news is good news so far....my last blood work brought a phone call from Hershey on Tuesday telling me that I was in trouble. This time Tuesday came and went without hearing from them. That has to be a good sign.

I was feeling pretty good yesterday up until I hit the wall at around 7pm and I went to bed.

Work and sleep...that's my life for now.

I keep finding myself dreaming of what life will be like when this is all over. Thinking about all the things that I want to do that I can't do right now. Like washing the wall down that behind the fireplace in our living room or going golfing with the new golf clubs that I got for Christmas last year and never had the energy to use.

I keep thinking and planning on what I'll do after tx and all that thinking seems to be getting me through all of these days. It's the promise of a future that gets me through the present.

I try not to think about the present or how much longer I have until that future is here.

I'm hoping that I don't hear from Hershey until tomorrow. I have it in my mind that the longer it takes to hear from them the better the news.

Have a Wonderful Day everyone!

Day 223

Today I am officially 2/3 of the way done.

I went to Hershey yesterday for the blood work that will determine 2 things.

First, are my Lymphocytes back up again or will they pull me off tx.

Second, if my Lymphocytes are back up will they lower my Nuepogen shot to half (once) a week.

If it's bad and they're yanking me off tx, I'll probably hear from them today or tomorrow. If it's good, I probably won't hear until Thursday......or at least that's the way it's been working, bad news comes fast and the good comes slow.

Jimmy took me to the Grande Cirque on Sunday. Amazing acrobats! What a treat! I had a blast. It was a beautiful gift of distraction from my sweet Husband. What a thoughtful man he is!

Even with the reduced dosage, fatigue continues to run my life. Even though it doesn't constantly floor me like before, I still find myself kicked in the butt at the end of the day. I feel better....I just run on low batteries. I'll just go slow and muddle my way through it.

My fingers are crossed that my counts are back up and that I get to drop one of my Nuepogen shots.

Have a Great Day everyone!

Day 221

Half dosage is easier. I might not be ready to run a marathon but at least I can stay upright!

Yesterday I tooled around the house a little. I really didn't do much of anything except for plotting out and cutting some small signs for the bar.

Athena came over and cleaned the house while I hung out with the baby. He's getting so big so fast and now he's crawling like a pro! He's a very happy guy! I love spending time with him.

Today the brain fog is really messing my head up! My wonderful husband bought tickets to an acrobatic show to try to cheer me up and get us out of the house. The brain fog is that I can't for the life of me remember what the show is called! I've spent a couple of weeks waiting to go see them and you know I should be able to remember their name!

Well anyway, even if I can't pull it out of my brain, I'm really excited to go! Jimmy's beautiful and thoughtful. I'm a very lucky lady.

The fatigue is hanging around a bit today, but I'm hoping that it'll get better as the day goes on.

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone!

Day 219

Well here it is Friday again already. Bad news....it's Peg. shot night. Good news....it's another week down.

The half dosage last week did make it a little easier on me with the fatigue. I'm not getting those huge heart gripping waves anymore. Now the fatigue is more like a steady little reminder to take it easy. So I try to listen. It's not like I have much choice.

I'm hoping that the shot this week is easier because I shouldn't have as much interferon in my system as I did last week at shot time. Last Saturday I still was thrown for a loop and wound up on the couch. I'm thinking that this Saturday will be better because first of all my counts should be higher now and another half dosage shouldn't be as hard hitting.

After tonight there will be 17 more weeks to go. Why does it sound so much better to me to say 17 weeks rather than 4 months? 4 months sounds like a long time to me.....I think I'll stick with 17 weeks.

If I could just get rid of some itching (damn Ribavirin) and a little more of the fatigue, I know that Ducky would come around again.

Maybe next week...

Day 218

So this weekend my Husband and I are invited to 2 different weddings, both of which have the receptions at the same place in 2 different banquet rooms.

Sounds like fun doesn't it?

It would sound like fun to me but being around a large group of people, much less two large groups, just isn't my cup of tea right now. None of my cloths fit....I've gone from a size 6 to maybe a 4 or smaller. Dancing is certainly not on my card (that is unless you call all of the scratching that I'm doing some kind of new dance move!) and what the hell would I do with my hair. I look like shit and I can't stand seeing that in other people's eye's when they look at me.

By the way, no it's not my imagination! I know what I looked like before (which wasn't the greatest to begin with) and I know what I look like now.

It's not about vanity either, it's about how it makes me feel and it makes feel pitiful. I hate that. It's just not who I am.

I asked my beautiful Husband to please go without me. Thankfully he's very understanding and doesn't give me a hard time, even though I know this must be hard on him too since he has to answer everyones questions about where I am.

In a few months this will be over, I'll be out of my tx prison and life can get back to normal again. I'll make it up to him.

For now I just can't help it. It sucks big time, but life will just have to go on without me for a little while longer.....

Day 217

Yesterday was half decent. I'm thinking that my counts have to be going back up.....or at least my fingers are crossed.

This morning is much like yesterday morning. It's nice to wake up and not feel like hitting the floor as soon as my feet touch it coming out of bed.

I can't wait until this is all over! Image how awesome it must feel to know what feeling normal is like again! I'm going to be like a tornado....I've spent the last 6-1/2 months making a to do list of all the things that I want to do once I'm off of tx. Believe me, I'm going to enjoy every second of everyone of them.

For now the level of fatigue has gone down. I can move and even though I'm reminded by my body to go slow, at least I feel like I can move around more.

The itching on the other hand is insane! The Gold Bond helps a little but doesn't last at all. If I where a smart woman I'd invent something to help people on tx and chemo who itch. I'd make millions because I know, as someone who is on tx, I'd spend millions just to find relief!

On another positive note, my mouth seems to be healing. My tongue actually seems to be turning back to a normal color of pink instead of the fire engine red that it has been over the past few months.

I'm not sure it's due to the lowered dosage or if I've helped it by sitting around all the time holding water in my mouth. There's just no telling. Believe me, there's just no way of figuring this stuff out!

Have a Wonderful Wednesday everyone!

Ducky's not far off now!

Day 216

When I wake up in the morning, I lay there in bed and try to access how fast I can move to get up. Almost every morning my body says "Ya better go slow!".

This morning I woke up and laying there I waited for my heart to do it's pounding and my body to give it's warning....but my heart stayed steady and the only thing that my body had to say is "You itch!".

This is the first morning in a very long time that I've been able to wake up and move around somewhat normally.

I'm not ready to run a marathon, but at least every movement that I make isn't sending me into major heart pounding fatigue.

Are my counts going back up or is the half dosage of Peg. finally giving me some relief.....or both.

My fingers are crossed that it's both and I'm hoping that this day continues to be a good one.

It's time to come home Ducky....

Day 215

Saturday and Sunday where sent mostly sleeping or hanging out on the couch.

Saturday was hardest. The fatigue was horrible. Any movement that I made set my heart racing. I wound up going to bed just to sleep through it all.

Sunday I woke up feeling much better and this morning, unlike most Mondays, I actually feel like I could make it through the work day.

One thing about the half dosages, I should start feeling somewhat better this week. At least I have a positive outlook that I'll feel better.....

I remember being reduced to half dosages on my Peg. earlier in tx and it made all the difference in the world for me. Of course at the same time they reduced my Ribavirin and this time they didn't. Still I should start feeling the difference.

Have a Happy Monday everyone!

Day 211

It's Friday....

Funny how I now go through each day asking myself "What day is this? Oh yeah...Monday, it Nuepogen night." or Wednesday, it Procrit night....Thursday, it Nuepogen night. And then there's Friday, Peg. night.

Nice thing about whats happening is that if my counts go back up and they allow me to remain on tx, I'll stay at half dosages and I may be able to drop the Nuepogen shots that I take twice a week. No more bone pain and half the jabbing! That would be nice.

There's lot's of fatigue this morning, but at least the evil little son of a B. Dummer Boy has let up with beating on my brain! I hate headaches and yesterday it just kind of hung out in the background all day long.

I woke up this morning and it was finally gone. I can deal with the fatigue, having a headache along with it just does not make me a happy gal.

Maybe the day will get better. Sometimes it does!

Have a Great Friday everyone!

Day 210

The little drummer boy has been beating on my brain all night long. I was kind of hoping that I'd wake up this morning without him, but there he is still beating his evil little tune. I grabbed some ibuprofen and coffee.

We've decided to cancel our NY trip to see Terry. Bums me out, but between risking getting an infection or virus and being just down right too fatigued, I suppose we're making the right choice. Still it bums me out because I was looking forward to seeing Terry and Magda and then shopping in China town for a scarf or berret.

I guess we'll just have to plan a trip to California to visit them when this is over and I'll revert to online shopping for the scarf....

My dear friend Susan found the Gold Bond Medicated Anti-Itch creme for me. It does actually help somewhat. But it isn't very long lasting. Something is better than nothing. Thank God for good friends!

Have a Good Day everyone!

Day 209

Well I didn't expect to hear from Sandy, my research nurse, so soon....but when I saw Hershey's phone number on the caller ID before answering the phone, I knew something was wrong.

My counts have dropped lower.

The count that I don't take a rescue drug for is my Lymphocytes. They've been kind of low ever since the I was on the Trial drug. But even though it's why they wound up pulling the trial drug, it was never really that big of a problem for me. Mine bounced back up after stopping the drug.

Yesterday Sandy called me to tell me that they've dropped. They dropped very low....down to .29. She explained to me that if they drop down to or below .20 Roche will discontinue the trial and tx on me.

Dr. Smith is lowering my Peg. to 50 units in hopes that my Lymphocytes go back up. I have 2 weeks and they'll run the blood work again.

If they go back up I'll remain on the 50 units of Peg for the remainder of my tx. She's also hoping that with the reduced dosage that I may have the chance to get off of the Nuepogen and Procrit. She'd like to get me off of some of these drugs....I'm on so many.

I've been undectable all this time, so Dr. Smith is thinking that the reduced dosage should be enough for the last 18 weeks.....that is so long as my Lymphocytes bounce back over the next 2 weeks.

My ability to bounce back has been pretty good in the past. My fingers are crossed for that to continue......for the first time in a long time, I'm scared.

With my counts down at least I can understand why I'm feeling badly.

This news for me comes on a day that my friend Rosie was discontinued from the trial because of low platlet counts and still having a viral load after 193 days of tx..

I can't imagine. Coming all this way and being told that there is a chance of not completeing tx is a scary thought. I can't even pretend to fully understand what she's feeling right now.

My heart goes out to you Rosie.

Day 208

Yesterdays Hershey appt. went ok. I finally got the dreaded copy of my blood work from my last visit. Nothing on it shows that I can up my dosages....that's good, I couldn't handle more. At the same time it shows why I don't feel so great a lot of the time.

My WBC is 2.3, Neutrophils ABS are at 1.10 and my Lymphocytes are at .83....that's low but it's been so much lower and the Nuepogen seems to be doing the job.

My Platelet Count is at 66.

All and all my counts are low but holding their own. This week I'll call for my blood counts just because this report is a few weeks old and I've been feeling a bit more under the weather than usual. We worry that these counts may have dropped even lower.

They refilled my Neupogen and Procrit scripts and gave me a script for Ambien to help me sleep. She also told me about something that might help with all of the itching, Gold Bond Anti medicated Anti Itch creme. I'll stop at CVS tonight to get the Ambien filled and I'll search for the cream....hope it works!

The bad news was that I lost another pound. At least it was just 1 pound this time.....

Lunch with Iris was a treat! It was so nice to sit with her for a while. She looks radiant!

We had lunch at Houlihans in Hershey. I couldn't make up my mind on what to eat so I just picked what I thought would be a safe pick. I ordered a Tuna salad. Big mistake! Raw Tuna on a bed of lettuce with bananas, cashews and a sauce that was very spicy! Yuk and owww at the same time. I could have dealt with it until it became spicy....my mouth finally said no way.

The food for me sucked...but the company was so wonderful. It was so nice to sit with Iris for a bit. I wish I had more energy and felt up to it, it would have been nice to go shopping or to the Hershey Chocolate world with her.

Maybe next time....

I came home and went straight to the couch and then to bed.

Waking up this morning is kind of hard but I'm getting there.

There's a thunder storm passing by this morning and at 7:20 it's making it dark and dreary out. I feel like the morning looks.

Time to get ready for work. Maybe the day will grow brighter.....

Have a Nice Tuesday Everyone!

Day 207

I have to say that I don't think this weekend has been as bad as the last few weekends. It's Sunday and while I'm still fatigued, my body is dealing with it well enough to want to tackle some light cleaning today. It'll probably take me all day...but at least I feel like doing some.

Yesterday was a couch day other than cleaning the kitchen and making stuffed peppers for dinner.....which by the way recked the kitchen again! lol

I the biggest sign is that I'm able to post. Most weekends my brain fog and fatigue stops my ability to think straight. This weekend my mind is somewhat clearer.

Hopefully that's a good sign for the week to come.

Tomorrow it's off to Hershey and then to meet Iris for lunch.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Day 206

Yep Saturday morning....it feels like a Saturday morning!

Major washed out feeling. No energy at all and the little drummer boy is softly playing on the muscles in my neck.

It'll be an ibuprofen day and the couch.

I can't wait until I own my weekends again!

Some of the side effects are really comical anymore. It's just ridiculous.

For instance, I thought it was bad enough that I've lost at least 1/2 of my hair and still loosing more.....the hair on my legs still continues to grow! My pubic hair on the other hand has mostly fallen out and like my head I have a very very bad case of dandruff! Ever have dandruff down there! Well What A Treat! It itches! Hell everything itches....but try working at a desk job while that itches!

Just another on of those "What The Hell Is Up With That!" sides.

lol....I know....just the information that you needed right?

Time to go find my couch....

Have a nice Saturday everyone.

Before and now pictures....wonder what it'll look like at 48 weeks.......

Day 205

It's Friday. I can't wait until I can start looking forward to Fridays again....

Yesterday was busy busy at work and the day flew!

Jimmy didn't have to work downstairs in the bar last night so I kind of cheated my going to bed early and stayed up with him until around 10pm. It was nice just being up and hanging around with him. I didn't realize just how much I miss that. I might not have gotten as much sleep as I've been getting, but mentally Jimmy seems to be the best medication I can have for depression.....and he comes with No side effects!

I woke up this morning to find that 2 friends on tx have posted comments on yesterday post saying that they might be pulled off of tx. I hope that if you read this blog that you'll say little prayer for each of them to make it through this and hopefully stay on treatment.

Terry if you read this, could you please see Rosie's comment from yesterday.....she's asking for you.

Friday....Peg. night....my fingers are crossed that the weekend will be nice to me.

Day 204

Yesterday was a busy at work. Thank God because it does help the day go by.

I came home from work, set the poker scores up, ate some supper, did my Procrit shot, took a shower and went to bed. Wednesday was done.

I can't help but wonder why my hair falls out even more after I wash it. I try not wash it very often but my scalp is so painfully dry that the cool water always feels so good.

I'm thinking that when Jimmy and I go to NY to see Terry and Magda next weekend, I'll look around for a scarf or something to hide my bald spots. Maybe a hat....I don't know. If there is any place in the world that I can find something that looks ok on my head, it'll be in NY. Not to mention that Jimmy will be there to help me decide.....left on my own to pick it I'd walk away, after hours of looking, empty handed.

On Monday we're meeting Iris in Hershey after my appt. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her. We chat back and forth on our blogs quite a bit but we haven't seen each other for months. She's been such a help for me throughout this treatment. Seeing her on Monday will be a treat and a half!

Maybe getting out and around people outside of just work will help my mood. Life has been nothing more than work, couch and sleep.

Today isn't starting off half bad. The extra sleep last night seems to have helped.

This day has to be good....the weather outside is beautiful!

My fingers are crossed.

Have a nice Thursday!

Day 203

Yesterday felt like a Monday. It was so long.

All I wanted to do was lay down. The morning inability to find any energy lasted all day long.

How do you do this for 335 days without going insane? I mean I know it could be worst, but were I'm at right now just feels so rotten mentally and physically.

Even depression turns to frustration and then anger some times.

I even get tired of hearing myself, so I try to keep it all in. What's the sense in talking about it...it's not going to change anything, the pills and the shot's still have to be taken. The side effects still happen.

I know I'm back on a spiral down again....but what can I do? I can't stand the A.D.'s. I can not bring myself to swallow more drugs with more side effects. I just can't take anymore.

I just hold on. I know this is a roller coaster. I know that it'll run it's course and I'll pick myself up again.

This is such a strange place for me to be because I've always been able to pull my boot straps up and march on. It seems like tx plays hide and seek with those boot straps.

It's Wednesday and my desk at work is full. Maybe the day will go by faster today....

Have a Good Day Everyone.

Day 202

Well after what should have taken me a couple of weeks, but took a couple of months, I finally got the new Roads End website online yesterday morning. I still have a couple of pages to finish and maybe one or two pages that I'd like to add.....but for the most part the site is up and running!

roadsendpub.us

The weekend and the Holiday where somewhat nice to me. I spent a lot of fatigue time on the couch and going slow. But it was nice to make it to Jimmy's family reunion. We didn't stay very long, but for the time that we did it was nice to see everyone. The day was beautiful and the food was scrumptious! I'm really glad that we made it.

This morning, getting motivated is kind of hard. I feel like I could use another 10 hours of sleep. I'm sure that it'll pass as the morning goes on.

I worry that depression may be causing some of my lack of energy on top of the fatigue. I continue to try pushing it back, but I still find myself wanting to cry. I guess it's just hard to try forgetting about tx when there are so many reminders everyday. The pills twice a day and shots four times a week and looking in the mirror everyday are very real reminders. I try hard to push it out of my brain but reality continues to win.

This Friday I'll have 19 more shots to go. 19 more weeks to do this. I'm hitting the teens.

It should make me feel better. So far it's not. Still too many weeks of side effects....too many more weeks of watching my body fall even further to the poison.

The only thing that I find to pick me up is looking forward to what life will be like when this is all over. Looking forward to no sides and feeling good....virus free.

19 weeks....still seems so long.

I think that maybe by the time Halloween rolls by maybe things will get better. The holidays will help it pass.

For today though, maybe work will help. It seem to move the days a little bit faster.

Have a nice Tuesday everyone.