Forgiving or move on...

Tea...I've spent more than half of my life trying to forgive.
Trying to forgive things that caused me to be separated from my "Leave It To Beaver" type of family.

First I struggled to find them...then I struggled to except them and tried to move past what happened so many years ago. Things that my parents would never or could never discuss even today. Things that to them are dirty little secrets that they've swept under some old rug and would just as soon forget about. (even though it's almost half of my life and I am what was being swept)

My life has made me strong. My past has taught me so many lessons that most people are never taught.
Forgiving has been a very hard lesson to except.

I've spent so many years without them....raising myself without their support and guidance. Wishing it all to be different and crying because it wasn't.

But then I found them...Sisters and Brothers...a Mother and Father. All of my little girl memories came rushing back. All the good memories ....sunny days and Christmas nights with my mother at the piano. Time with my Grandmother. So much good....

I was coping with pretending nothing happened because I believed that having them in my life was more important to me then revenge or anger.

Debbie (my sister) was just a young girl when I left so many years ago. She had no control over what was happening....although now I know that she knew back then what was happening to me...When I found her I knew I couldn't lay blame on her, she was just too young ....she was 18 the day I left.

I think she just excepted that I was gone and moved on with her life.

I guess out of everything, the part that is the hardest thing is to "forgive".

I wanted to be home...safe and sound...but everyone moved on...and I became lost with no one to rescue me.

So forgive....I've tried forgiving...I thought I was winning the battle...but I think I'm wrong...I think she's just still moving on.

See, it's not just the Hep C. It's not just the lack of education about a virus. It's not even as though she thinks she can contract the virus from me, she's in Florida and I'm in PA.

It's the moving on.

It's the point that I searched for them...I looked for them...and I found them. I traveled to meet them and I kept myself in their lives since then.

It's no longer about forgiving....now it's about reality.

Hep C has given me a reality check.

So here it is, my little reality check...

When I hear the phone ring and Debbie crosses my mind....move on.
When I'm down and I want my Mommy.....move on.

Sometimes moving on is the only thing that we can do....through all of these years....through an entire 42 years of life....it's taken a tiny little virus to teach me one of life's biggest and hardest lessons.

I'm moving on.