Other than the feeling of "I just slept have my life away", I think I feel a whole lot better this morning. I just have that "slept way too much hangover". My body is used to maybe 7 hours of sleep a night.
I guess I should be thankful because I understand that some people get constant fatigue. Me, I'm fine for days and sometimes even a couple of weeks and then whammy! It hits all at once and knocks me on my ass. I only wish I could plan around it because it usually hits when I have the a whole lot of stuffed planned to get done. Jimmy cleaned the house on Friday and then did the holiday grocery shopping at 3 am this morning. He is such a wonderful man! I just don't deserve him.
42 today. Do I feel 42....well not as much today as I have been feeling!
This picture was taken on the day that I came home from the hospital with my Mother. I was born in a snow storm and they had to hold Christmas off for 6 days until we where able to get home through the snow. (lol, I was a pain in the ass from the get go)
Here they all are, my once upon a time my leave it to beaver family,minus my little sister who wasn't born yet and me....I was in the other room sleeping. Oh and my Dad, who I assume was taking the picture. Sitting down at my mothers piano are my brother Mike on my grandma Binkowski's lap (the Best Grandma in the world, I'm so glad that I got to see her again before she passed away a couple of years ago), my sister Debbie next to him and my Mother. Standing up (even though she was so short it looks like she's sitting) was the most wonderful Aunt you could have imagined, My Aunt Dolly. In the middle my oldest brother Bob. In the back my Mothers Father and Mother, Grandpa and Grandmother Bonine. (that woman never wore a pair of paints in her life....She was a Senators wife through and through!).
I feel like I have one thing in common with this picture....we're both 42 years old today.
I have my entire family under this roof this morning. A happy loving family that I am forever grateful for.
So yes....It is a very Happy Birthday for me! I feel good! And I feel very loved! :-)
Merry Christmas Everyone!
May Health, Happiness and Good Cheer come your way!
4 comments:
Happy New Year, Laurie!! Just a suggestion - you've got a lot on your plate for 2008 (OMG, that rhymes!!) - leave the ancient history in 2007 - perhaps you could have a ritual burning of a copy of the family picture right before midnight!
You have the best husband in the world, the best anybody could wish for. So, whatever you've missed now you have comlete.
Merry Christmas and happy New Year! And happy, happy 42 birthday.
Love
T
See here's the problem with that Iris....it's not just a ritual burning and a walk away. And it's not ancient history.
You see, I loved them. I lost them and few years ago I found them again.
This isn't about walking away...this is about mourning the memory of them. It's about a 20 year old dream and wish for my own family and my own roots. A few years ago, after so much searching, I thought that dream had finally come true.
A fairy tale ending.
Happily ever after.
I can never explain what it feels like to loose an entire family at such a young age. And I could never explain what it is to actually find them again.
No more than I can truly explain how it feels to realize that they can not see me as a daughter or sister anymore.
Maybe all of these years have passed us by and they moved on and can't include me anymore.
My roots are gone forever. There is no more searching and having hope.
After all of these years....now they are truly lost.
That picture and the other few that I have are the memories of a childhood that I loved. I charish those memories. In the pictures I can find my family...and we where happy.
I don't expect you to ever be able to truly understand. To truly relate to what this feels like.
I do however want you to know that it doesn't comsume me. I'm not forever depressed and hanging my head. This blog contains my deepest thoughts and feelings...but what you don't see is that those thoughts and feelings don't rule my world.
I am ok.
I know that I have a beautiful husband and children....I have a very happy life with them. I also realize that if my past where changed I may not have what I have today....so I do not regret my past, I only regret the heartache.
I couldn't truly mourn for my Father when he passed away on the 10th because I am already mourning for all of them.
They say you can never know how you'll feel when your parent passes away until the day that it happens....well I do.
Time will take my mourning away and one day ...while it will still hurt...it won't hurt so much and I'll lay the past down and never try again to pick up the pieces.
I love my Mom. I love my Sister. I loved my Father....but now they're gone and no one can ever replace them. No one can ever erase my memories of them. I don't want them to....
Oh and by the way, about Fairy Tales?
I do still believe in "Happily Ever After". I've got Jimmy and 5 wonderful children to show for it. They will never feel unloved or unwanted.
Yes T, I have my happily ever after.
Thank you!
Happy New Year to you both!
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