My Last hoorah before teatment

Jimmy and I left at 10 am on Saturday morning and by the time we got back last night we had traveled 1605 beautiful miles!

Went part way down the Skyline Drive.

Beautiful but got boring after a while of 35 miles and hour. We didn't do the whole thing, we had too much to see yet and a long way to go!

From there we went down to the Smokey Mountains and spent the night just before Pigeon Forge.

Jimmy wanted to check out Dolly.

That was a lot of fun!!!

Road a Steam engine and we even went on a roller coaster!

After leaving Dolly Wood we crossed over into Cherokee. I haven't been there in years and it's getting very old looking.










But of course the view was breath taking!

Cruising across South Carolina North Carolina, we headed for Virginia Beach.

South Carolina at Sunset.

















Virginia Beach is definitely for lovers! What a beautiful place!

I Love the sunrise at the beach!


After a 8 am swim in the ocean, we where off again! The water was incredible. I would have thought it would be freezing! But it was a nice temp and I'm glad Jimmy talked me into the swim. What a blast!

Next came the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. I'd love to know how they put the tunnels into it!

Up the coast to Ocean City for lunch and a bike ride on the board walk. I forgot my camera! :-(

We wanted to stop up in Baltimore to visit U.C. but the time got away from us and rush hour was hitting the city. So we opted out of the insanity and veared off to Philly then north to home.

I wanted so bad to meet her.....I'll just have to meet her in N.Y. when she travels up that way! It'll be nicer anyway....we'll have more time to sit and chat!

Jimmy is a trooper! He drove until his butt hurt and his legs killed him. 1605 miles and not a complaint about it! Now that's true love!!!

Well...12 days until my last Hep A & B vacine. 65 days until we go to Hershey.

It's been 109 days since I told my Sister about my Hep C.....and I haven't heard from her since. Took me 20 years to find her (after not seeing her since I was 13) and it took one 10 minute phone call to loose her again.... yeah well.

I don't think I'll tell my Mother. But if she finds out and does the same thing....I lived 20 years of my life without them, I guess I could live the rest of it the same way. I wish it were different...but it's not.

187 days since I found out. Time rushes by.

I have the feeling my counting has just begun.

"Peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have."

God usually doesn't agree with my plans.

So 4 months ago I started to make plans for my "End of the summer/before treatment starts" big bang. I wanted one last good event before treatment started and the possibility of our year or year and a half struggle began.

So I booked a whitewater water rafting trip in upstate NY and we invited our kids with their boyfriend and girl friends, Jimmy's brother, his wife and Jimmy's niece and nephew. 14 of us total. 4 or 5 coming from in from Vermont.

It was going to be a wonderful day! Family and friends....the excitement of the river.....fun and good memories for all...

But God just didn't agree.

It's funny how our plans don't always fit into the "Big Picture".

The rivers in upstate NY are low and the State has closed them to rafting. Just too low to be safe.

It's my luck!

Or is there something else that I'm supposed to do. Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I just don't see it. Sometimes I'm just too selfish and I want something that just isn't in the cards that are dealt.

So my wonderful Husband has come up with an alternative plan. Next Saturday we'll take a ride to the Sky Line Drive through the Appalacian Mountians and the up the coast through S.C and N.C. and back home. It's beautiful ride and time together that I think we very much need.

So here is "Gods" plan..... (via Jimmy)

I get to spend some true quality time with the most wonderful man in the world relaxing and strolling along the country side. We'll drive through the Mountains and come out at the ocean. Up the coast line we'll go, looking for old fishing communities to stop in at for a bite to eat.

We need this break away from reality and now I'm looking forward to some peaceful time alone with Jimmy.

LOL.....I think I'm actually starting to like God's little changes.

Just a story to share.

So a few months ago (4...maybe 5)while I was here at work I lost one of my earrings. A pair that I got for Christmas from a Secret Santa. (We exchange presents at Christmas time with a few people at the Bar.)
Silver with jade stones. It matched the necklace that Jimmy bought for me in Milwaukee. I loved wearing them with this necklace.

When I lost it, I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. I finally took the one that I didn't loose out of my purse about a month ago and I put it in my drawer at home.

So today I'm outside going for a walk and my mind wonders to strange places sometimes. I was walking along thinking about the grass crunching under my feet and looking at the tree's, thinking that "Oh well, looks like everything is dieing....the season is ending".

I started thinking about death and I was thinking that one day it'll be my turn. I started thinking to myself "I wonder if there really is a God or do we just keel over one day at that's the end of it.....into nothingness".

I was thinking that I hope there is a God....I hate the thought of nothingness. Just as I thought that, I saw something in the grass and I bent down to pick it up.

My earring!

I lost it months ago and it was laying there in the sun shining from the silver. I couldn't believe it! It's like God was listening and decided to let me know.......

So there I am in the middle of the yard here, holding the earring up to the sky and saying " Ok...I get it! You convinced me! Hey....thanks for the earring back and thanks for the reminder! I know I forget sometimes but you always find a way to remind me!"

How silly I must have looked to the people out sitting in their cars during lunch break! But do you know what? I really didn't care how I looked.....

Ain't that so cool!

And then August was gone.

Weekend before last Jimmy and I along with the kids managed to cook 290 Hamburgers and 90 hotdogs for about 275 bikers riding in the Soldiers Angels Annual Poker run! And I must say - no one waited for food. We fed them all in one hour. lol
For anyone who doesn't know who the Soldiers Angels are, they're a support group for our Soldiers. They send supplies over sea's like shaving kits, snack foods, micowaves, coffee makers, etc. If a unit needs it and they find out....they get it and send it.

They send care packages to our injured.

They greet homecoming soldiers by escorting them home on their bikes making parades and throwing parties.They see soldiers off who are being deployed. And they look after our injured Soldiers when they come home.

They are an awesome group of people who work day night around the clock to fulfil their moto "May no Soldier go unloved"

The hold a poker run every year to raise the money to do all of that and more.

If you get a chance, check out their web-site:

PASARC.COM

They're a local RC here in Hazleton....and Jimmy and I are so increadibly proud of them!

Last weekend Jimmy and I went to Vermont to visit Jimmy's brother and sister-in-law.

What a beautiful state! We had a great time.




Not only did I want to see them and Vermont, but I also wanted some time to talk to my sister-in-law Gina.

Gina had Hep. B a few years ago and went through treatment, but at some point while getting rid of Hep. B she wound up with an auto immune desease that I can't pronounce. Her body stopped identifying good cells from her bad cells and starting attacking all of them. She came very close to death.

She looks great today. She'll be on meds for the rest of her life and she'll be disabled....but she deals with it and rolls with the punches that her meds. throw at her. What happened to her is very very rare....I gather from her that the treatment back then caused her auto immune desease. She assures me that the treatments today are totally different and don't cause the same problems as the old drugs.

I have to thank God for new technology.

I also now look at the path that I have to go down with a new view.....it seems much shorter now than it did before. A year maybe and I'll be done.

I look at Gina and I think I've found yet another Hero in the Hep. war. She's beautiful inside and out and her strength shines.

As for me, well I just can't stay away from catching colds from people. I feel like I've had Bronchitus for months. I went to the Doctor yesterday and he gave me a new script and last night was the first night in weeks that I've been able to sleep. This morning, even though I still have coughing, I feel like a million bucks! Sleep is what I need to get over this and once I am if I run into someone with a cold .....I'm RUNNING the other way!!!!

2 weeks to go and we'll be white water rafting in up-state NY. 4 weeks to go and I have my last Hep A and B vacine. 8 weeks to go and I'll be in Hershey.








and the Summer passes by.....

Hershey = November

I finally heard from Hershey Medical Center. They excepted me as a patient during last Friday's meeting and called today set up my first appointment.

At first the woman on the phone said January 31st.....I couldn't help it, I just started crying.

She said she'd put me on a waiting list if someone cancelled.....but by the time we hung up the phone she was able to squeeze me in for November 30th.

It's such a long wait....but better than the end of January.

I am not going to get depressed about it. I am fighting not to. I'm trying really hard.....

I'm just so tired ..........and I keep getting colds from people around me, making me even more tired. Why is it that I catch a cold everytime I even look in the direction of someone who has one?

For now I guess I'll just keep pushing forward.....keep waiting....keep fighting through being tired and I'll try harder to stay away from people with colds.

Just another rocky path

It seems that it always takes me a few days to process the idea of having to wait for treatment. Cut's like a knife....but sooner or later I come to terms with it.

I think that talking to people through the Blogs and now the message boards helps in a lot of ways. And while I learn so much from all of this, the greatest lesson that I've learned is that the waiting is not only for a good reason but for my own good.

One more thing....pretty much everybody has had to wait for some extent of time. Some not so long....some long like me.

but still that knowledge doesn't seem to make it totally ok in my head. It just gives me another way to deal with it.

The waiting is hard....but I need to get back to enjoying the Summer while I can...I need to get back to my life and not mope over what I can not change and should not change.

This has been hard on Jimmy for the last couple of days. Jimmy was with me at my G.I. appt. and he had been the one that brought up the question of my being treated by a Doctor who is more specialized in Hep C ....my doctor had jumped at the suggestion without so much as a flinch saying that it would be so much better to go to Hershey. So much better to see Dr. Rilley.

But because my changing Doctors to Hershey upset me because of the wait, Jimmy began to worry that he hurt me.

The initial hit of the waiting hit me hard....but I know it is the right thing to do. I just could not find a way to pull out of the spiral that it sent me into for a couple of days and my tears fell on Jimmy's shoulders and he began questioning his bringing it up to my Doctor.

Jimmy did what had to be done....it's why he's at and will be at everyone of my appt.s.

We have a lot of questions, symptoms and tuff decisions to make down the road, some of which I can't even see from where I sit or I forget to bring up. Jimmy is able to sit beside me and see through the fog of all of this. He is there for me. And I am ok because of him.

And so My Darling...My Love,

While my tears sometimes fall, they may fall on you... but they are not because of you. You are my best friend. In you I have found the only person in the world that I ever have been able to trust. You did, are doing and will always do what you know is best for me, and I know it.

I am sorry that this is hard on you too. I wish I could change that....but I can't.

I can only say that I am truly sorry that this path is going to be hard to go down.

Around the corner, sooner or later, there will be a path less rocky and less hard to travel......

My hand will be in yours.

I love you Jimmy and we will be alright.

So Hershey it is....

I went to the Doc. today. I've been waiting for 3 months to see him again. Waiting to get started...waiting to have the Liver Biopsy....just waiting.

Some good news, some "hard to get into my head" news and some bad...that I already kinda knew.

Good news....he doesn't think too much damage has been done to my liver as far as the blood work shows.

Bad news....my viral count is high. I kinda knew that

Bad News.....My Doctor here thinks I have less than a 50% chance at beating it. I knew that one too.

"Hard to get into my head" news....I'm going to Hershey.

It's hard news to me because this waiting game is so hard to deal with. I WANT THIS GONE or at least going!

I know that Hershey would be the best place to be treated, but everything about it just seems so far away. It's a couple hours of driving for each appt. and the wait to get a first appt will have me waiting longer than I am right now. My starting in October could now of have turned into December.

I know they are specialist at this.....I know the Doctor is one of best in his field....Experienced HCV staff .... Best care that I could probably get. Jimmy will hold my and drive me there when I'm not doing well.

But how do I get these things into my head and make my brain except it without the tears?

I can't even begin to explain the frustration of having this, knowing that it's alive inside of me, knowing that I have a small chance of fighting it....that that small chance will probably make me sick and the fight will be hard....gathering the strength and will to fight ....Being ready....

and then being told that I have to wait longer to begin the battle.

I just can't describe how I feel.

I think I'll take a Xanax now and get ready for a meeting in 10 minutes for another Charity Benefit.



God.....if you read this blog........I really need a break for a while........ok?....... Please?

A need for Education

My friend "Uncertain" went to the Dentist and he acted like an Ass towards with her HCV.

I find it amazing how people react to this virus. It almost feels like a double whammy.

I get the feeling that some people look at me as though I have a Horrible virus that is something that they may need to get tested for because they've known me for a while.....or they look at me differently because they saw a T.V. show like Heartland or E.R. . Someone on the show was a drug addict and had HCV. On one episode the Doctor even said "Oh that figures....HCV is a good sign of a drug addict".

I don't get that feeling from everyone.....but I do from some.

I know it's not just in my head.....I'm just waiting to see how people disappear from my life to avoid being around me. I wish there was a way to teach people about this virus....

HCV doesn't seem to be very popular in this area. Even my own Family Doctor, who has been a doctor here for decades, told me that he'll be following my treatment and learning as we go because he's never had a patient with HCV before. He treats me well.....he's come to my rescue many times over the past years. I wish I could just turn him into a specialist and have him treat me.

But like I said, there's no HCV education here. lol....just me.

I hate the feeling of trying to explain that I can't pass this little dragon on just by hangin' out with people. And I worry a lot about people who think that I may give it to them by Bar tending or working around the bar.

I also sooooo much hate the judgement that people may make towards the idea that many people have HCV through drug addiction. I guess I hate it more because most of the people who are around me know that my ex-husband was a major drug dealer in this area. He was probably dealing from the day that we met. Took me a while to find out and by then he had no intention on stopping. He was addicted to not only the drugs but to game of dealing. He's now waiting to be sentenced on Federal Charges handed down by a Grand Jury for his Dealing.

I on the other hand never was a drug addict. Never stuck a needle into my body. As far as I know.....neither did he. He snorted coke by the tons. Not to mention that I heard he tested negative.

My HCV either had to have come from one of my 17 surgeries or a blood transfusion after the birth of my son. But still.... I carry my ex's guilt.

What I find most ironic is that I am now faced with doing something that I never thought I'd have to do.....I now have to inject something into my body. I don't know how I'll be able to do that. I'm not squeamish....I just don't know if I can do it to myself.

Funny thing is, I have a diabetic cat that I have to inject insulin into twice a day. Once in the morning and once in the evening. (He got diabetes from being a stray and eating whatever he could where ever he could get it.)

He even reminds me when it's time by coming to me and gently pawing at my hair or face or just laying on me and starring. I grab the needle, the insulin and a treat and he comes running. Pull up the skin on his neck and he Lay's down for his shot. Never even a peep out of him. It's become routine for him.

His name is Jack and he's a brave little boy! He's also the most incredible animal I've ever known. So Smart, gentle and so loving!

I know that when it's time I'll have to deal with injecting myself.....right now until I'm faced with it....I just can't imagine. LOL....Jimmy said he'll do it for me if I can't!

I wonder if I can have a treat for getting injected....

July's Gone

Another page on the calendar turned. Another Summer mile stone passed.

Every Summer for years I've cooked food for a local charity call "Helping Hands". Since Jimmy and I have been together he's been recruited also.

Helping Hands is a group who help local children. They provide help for abused children.There work is incredible.

This past weekend was a Helping Hands weekend. Saturday Jimmy and I cooked for Poker Run. I have a friend who every year grabs me for the bike games and for the past 3 years we've won the weeny bite....lol! We won again again this year! I got a new leather purse and a gift certificate for a local restaurant. The weeny bite is a game where they dangle a hot dog loaded with mustard from a string and you ride the bike under it while someone on the back stands up on the bike and bites as much of the hot dog off as they can get! LOL. It's all fun.

On Sunday our Helping Hands weekend continued. We had a foursome in a benefit Golf Tournament. It was a very Hot Day until it rained! But it was fun. Only thing is, I hit a wall half way through the 18 holes and I ended up being the cart driver. I was so beat from all of the activity that I just sick from head to toe. I think our team came in last place! But it was for a great cause.

I know that I have to learn how to pace myself....but I can't right now. I know that next Summer will probably be lost and I want to have it all this year while I can. I wish I could bottle some of it to save and enjoy later.

This weekend we have nothing to do! Thank God.

8 more days and I go to the Doctor.....

And the Summer marches on......

The Simple Things In Life

Now This Is Summer!!!!

TaDa! The purple flowers are on my deck. The kids got me these for Mothers day. The white and the yellow flowers are from my vegetable garden. White - Pepper plant. Yellow- cucumber.

I love Summer!

And Yes...as you can see I've replaced the camera that was stolen from me during the burglary.

It's A Really Cool Camera!! Cannon Powershot A630. This thing Rocks!! Not to mention it's cheap! lol

Life sure knows how to be beautiful....doesn't it.

I went to the Doctor this morning. Even though I'm loosing weight and can't seem to eat enough to keep it, I've been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. Mentally I think I'm doing ok right now. Between my wonderful Husband, the beautiful Summer and my new friend "Uncertain4sure" who has made me understand, through just a few sentences, that what's in my head isn't just me. It's normal.

I suppose that I feel stronger hearing that from someone who is and has gone to the place I'm at now.

This whole thing is like a roller coaster....and right now....I'm ok again.

One last picture.

I grew up, most of my life in Rockledge Florida. When I was a little girl, maybe around 6 years old, I ate an orange and saved the seeds. My Sister and I planted the seeds in a pot and only one seed survived.

We took the baby tree that we started to my Grandmothers house and planted it in her yard.

The tree grew.

My Grandmother died 5 years ago. She was a woman like no other in my eyes. From her I inherited strength to overcome incredible boundies......The knowledge that I can do anything if I just work hard enough at it and not give up.......The touch of an Artist....and she taught me how to love and be loved. Lastly, she gave me the ability to stand still.....to see, hear, smell and taste the beauty of life.

She was my Grandma.

After her death, my Father moved into her house. About a year and a half ago Jimmy and I went to Florida for Jimmy to meet him, my Sister and my Mother.

While at my Grandmothers house my Sister picked me an orange from "our tree" and after I ate it, I saved the seeds. I planted 5 seeds and 5 trees sprouted from a tree that I planted 36 years ago for my Grandma.

I thought "How cool is that!"

I hope one day, with a lot of luck, I can get one of these trees to have fruit and my Grandchild will plant a seed for me!

Pennsylvania is not an orange tree type of state. But if it can be done....I will do it!

I think I've rambled enough for now...lol.

Enjoy your day....and the Summer.

Another mile stone in the summer has come and gone.

The Briggs Farm Blues festival.

Every year Jimmy M.C.'s the festival. He and Briggs family have been friends for years and because Jimmy's Bar was a well known Blue's Bar he took his Blues experience and volenteered to M.C. the festival every year for the past 10 years.

What began as a way for the Briggs to hold onto their farm has become over the years a Blues Festival that thousands of people look for ward to each July. Richard and Allison Briggs are very loving and wonderful people who have found a way to share their Farm in an incrediable way.

This is my 3rd year of going to the Festival. The first year Jimmy proposed to me there in front of over 3,000 people. Last year we we're newly weds and this year he stood up on that stage in front almost 4,000 people and said how he would do it all over again and how he loves me dearly.

Briggs Farm will always be so special to us.

It's funny.....almost 3 years now and we have yet to have an argument. I don't think we ever will.

Now after the wonderful weekend....it's back to life.

My little Dragon keeps wispering in my ear.....still there.... no matter how much I try to escape it. Still creeping up in my head.

The waiting is going to drive me crazy. Depression keeps trying to find a hold on me and I keep fighting it off.

I just want to start doing something about this. Waiting and waiting and waiting......this is so messed up.

I'm sick and I'm waiting to get sicker so that I can get better. Ok .....gonna go take a Xanax now and shut this damn dragon up for the night!

the waiting.....

The weekend was nice. Great Weather and I worked in the garden most of the time. Putted around the house a bit. My energy level was pretty good until Sunday night. By 7 I was ready for bed.

So why do I feel so down today? Why is it that this whole thing is bothering me so much today?

Yesterday Jimmy and I sat and watched a dvd that a Hep C support group sent to us. It was all positive .....but somehow it really bothered me.

When the dvd was over Jimmy asked me if I get angry because I have Hep C. I told him that I did, but now looking at it I don't know if it is anger. I had thought that I was doing pretty good dealing with this thing. I've been trying not to think about it. I work through the different problems that come up....the ones I now know are part of my little dragon. I try to keep them to myself so that I'm not some kind of whinny pain in the ass.

I was doing good, I think, until today. Or maybe it started last night.

There's this feeling that starts in the pit of my stomach and it grows upward past my throat, past my eye's that well up from it, it fills my mind with confusion and a feeling of being all alone (even though I know I'm not) . Those thoughts and feelings become intertwined with frustration and an overwhelming want to be normal and away from this thing that's inside of me.

Then fear creeps in and the Calendar changes to another month.....

I know I'm closer

...... but I'm afraid of the battle.

Time is going by too fast.

Why do you suppose that as you get older time seems to move faster? Or is just me not wanting the Summer to end.

Jimmy's away this weekend and I have too much time to myself. I never minded spending time by myself.....but it seems harder right now.

The appartment seems so big and at night somewhat scary since the burgary. I feel safe when he's here.

Of course I have the place locked up like Fort Knox. Dead bolted, Knob locked, the security System armed and phone right beside me. But still.....every little sound in house keeps me awake.

I'm sure this feeling will pass.

Tonight I'll probably sleep like a log. Between not sleeping last night, working today and the wonderful magic hour of the 7pm fatigue that hits every night.....I'm gonna lay my head down and the world come down around me, I don't think it will be able to wake me.

I keep reading Teahs Blog just to see how she's doing. She's incredible. I will be just as strong when it's my turn. If you need a little boost and whole lot of info her blog is the place to go. She listed under my "Hero's".

It was Jimmy's 50 th Birthday this weekend. I thought I'd be a normal person and have a glass of wine. Like an idiot I had 3-1/2 glasses. Why do I do that? I'm not an alcoholic.....I just
somehow started believing that it's what normal people do.

What's with that? I know it's not good. And I know that I spent Sunday feeling like I couldn't get up. God seems to have a way of going knock knock on me. And when his little taps are ignored he tends to whack me upside the head.

So I get it....for the final time....I can either make myself sick and have a glass of wine...or I can decide to feel good and know that feeling good is what truly is normal.

Maybe I'll have to read this to myself every once and a while.

But for know I think I'll go lay down, the rest of my house work will have to wait for tomorrow night.

and the Summer goes speeding by.....

Such is life......

Well Jimmy and I just returned from Nautical Nights in the Finger Lakes of NY.

If it where not for Nautical Nights and it's owner I would have lost my mind this weekend. Let me start from the beginning.....

So, it was Friday Night and I worked at packing up our suit case for our trip the next morning. I wanted to get a bunch of cleaning done but Jimmy subggested that I pack first and clean later because if I get tired I can stop and we'll be packed.

lol....how well he already knows my limits.

On top of the already fatigued feeling that I get in evenings I now have Hay Fever worst that I have had in years! What the Hep C isn't taking out of me the hay fever is.

So low and behold I packed and started in on changing the bed. By the time I got the bed done I was ready to climb into it. So I called down to my loving husband (who was working at the Bar just as he does every Friday night) to tell him I was done for the evening and that I was going to climb into bed, I was exhausted.

At around 10:30 while I slept, Jimmy had come upstairs and left an envelope on my purse from the guy who commissioned me to paint for the retiring State Policeman. In the envelope was $450.00 cash. In my purse was my digital camera ready for our trip the next morning, $250.00 in cash, 4 credit cards, my license, my Social Security Card, my Daughters 2 uncashed checks for approx. $400.00 total, A prescription for Zanax and Heart Medication, mine and Jimmy's car keys and stuff that I can't even remember.

At 3:30 am my Husband came upstairs after closing the Bar and was in the shower when I woke up. I thought I'd take a heart pill since I was having fluttering and I went for my purse that was no longer there.

We were robbed! And were robbed while I slept less than 15 feet away from my purse!

They had broken in through a locked door, stood outside my bedroom, opened the envelope and walked out with my purse, everything in it and went out to Jimmy's car to riffle through it.

Cops came, took a report and left.

I couldn't sleep, so I went through our video surveillance camera's and I found him! Hopefully the cops can use the pictures. They might not be the clearest...but I'm hoping....

So the next morning, after calling in credit cards and securing the home front, we took off 5 hours later than we wanted.....but we escaped none the less.

My very best friend, Susan had a script for Zanax and the drug store had a refill for my heart meds. Susan is and has been been the Sister I never knew.

So with everything settled for the moment we set off for our 1st anniversary.

3-1/2 hours later we were driving down the very steep road in the woods to the Nautical Nights.
Jimmy and I had both fallen with this place last year when we went to the Finger Lakes for a short Honey Moon before our Honey Moon cruise to Bermuda. It's a piece of heaven on Lake Seneca. Not to lessen the beauty of Lake Seneca....but if it were not for the owners the place would not be the same. They make Nautical Nights into heaven. They match the property as much as the property matches the beauty of the lake. http://www.nauticalnights.com/

When it was time to leave I couldn't help but cry.

Since the robber took my digital camera I'll have to wait for a disposable camera to be developed before posting any pictures of our weekend.

Jimmy and I have made a promise to each other that we will go back every year for our anniversary. We made that pack last year and this is the second year that we've signed a bottle to place on a shelf along with so many other bottles from people before us.

If ever you find yourself anywhere near Nautical Nights, just North of Watkins Glen, you will be cheated if you do not stay at this place. I can't even begin to describe it....

So now we're home.....back to reality. You may have heard of Hazleton PA or our Mayor Louie Barletta and his Immigration Act for illegal immigrants....believe every word that you hear out of his mouth. The Hispanic gangs are taking our neighborhoods over, Crime is out of control and our City is out of control and in need of drastic measures. This is the second time in 3 years that I've been burglarized. If you haven't heard......... look up Hazleton and Loui Barletta on google....you'll see what I mean. This is a City fighting to survive!

Any way....I have to tell you that I've learned a couple lessons through this weekend. The first is one I already knew through things that have been horrible in my life -

Everything happens for a reason.

The second was told to me be neighbor after I told her about the break in on Friday.....

Place what happened on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 being death. What happened was maybe a 7.

Had I woken up that night it may have moved up the scale.

And I realized by myself as I sat this Monday morning watching the Sunrise at 6 am. I realized for every bad thing that's happened to me there's always been something twice as beautiful that followed. Sometimes it was days or months later........this time it was Nautical Nights, My time with Jimmy and the sunrise on Sunday and Monday morning while my most precious and wonderful Husband slept a few feet away.

Life is good....even when the ugly finds a way to creep in.

And still the Summer continues.

To my Darling and Absolutely Wonderful Husband who slips on here every once and a while to read this blog,

know this....

I Love you with every beat of my heart.

I will beat this...so don't worry so much.

My will to be healthy and happy throughout our years of growing old together carries my strength. It's that strength that will beat this stupid little dragon.

I am no longer scared to face it.

While my tears over it may lay hidden....they're only tears of frustration over having it.

I work through them and as time goes by each tear is turned only into strength and the commitment to see this dragon of mine to it's death.

So don't worry My Love.....I will be alright! You and I will be racing our walkers and canes down our mountain to see who gets to the mail box first 30 years from now and this will all be just a memory.....

I Love you Jimmy.....Heart and Soul.

What a weekend!

I finished the painting....finally! I took a vacation day on Friday just to get it done.

Went last night to pick up the next project. This one I'm kinda worried about because I'll be doing it while on chemo and it's a major project. A motorcycle - fenders and tanks. The owner wants an eagle on the front holding a flag that will wave back over the tank and the back fender. Ripped and old looking with a helmet on top of a rifle and dog tags like a symbol for a lost soldier. There's a lot of other stuff going on the bike too, but that's the main theme.

I told him that it'll take me months. He's going to be patient....I don't know how I'm going to feel, so I told him he'll have it back in the winter.

We also made it to Seaside Heights. Jimmy went golfing in Ocean City and I took the kids to the shore.

We had a blast. I've always loved that place. I hope I feel like going next year when Jimmy is away in Ocean City.

The kids hope so too. It'll be my mini vacation with the kids each year.

This weekend is our wedding anniversary! We're going up to the Finger Lakes in upstate NY. A weekend of rest and relaxation. I need it!!

Only problem is....I think I'm getting a cold. I woke up this morning feeling more like shit than I usually do.

Got to call the doctor...I don't know what I can take and what I can't!

Did I mention that I thoroughly hate Doctors!

and the summer continues.......

There's a symptom Hep C that one talks about. But I have it!

I guess it's a common symptom amongst any serious illness...it's called "What the hell is that and does it have anything to do with the Hep C ?"

I don't know if I've been just ignoring a lot of the signs in my body or if the symptoms are just now showing the Dragons ugly head.

Knowing me....I ignored.

The pain in my back I know is probably my liver. But what the hell's up with my tongue? The whole top of it is sore and has been for days now. I can't pin point when it began but it's not going away! I hate to go to the Doctor over my Tongue...but if it doesn't go away soon I guess I'll have to.

The achy and tired feeling that I have in the morning now has a new meaning. My shear exhaustion in the evening is more than my growing older.

These are the things that I have to admit....I feel like shit most of the time. And while I try to ignore these things, I know what they mean. I just have to remind myself that one day I will feel better!

Jimmy is on his way to Ocean City this Thursday for a weekend golf tournament and I'm working to finish a painting that I was commissioned to do for a retiring State Cop.

Did I mention that I paint? Acrylic paint. I usually paint motorcycles and leather jackets. Every once and a while I paint on canvas. I'm not the greatest painter....but I try.

The kitty on the chair is my side kick "Hitch". He was a beautiful first year dating anniversary gift from Jimmy. It was so wild that I wanted a grey long haired kitten and when he went to the Humane Society the only kitten that they had was just that.

I named him "Hitch" because the first date that Jimmy and I ever went on was to a movie called Hitch.

He's my baby!

I'm taking the kids to Seaside Heights, N.J. for a minny vacation over the weekend (after I finish the painting). They're so excited to go and I'm getting excited to spend some quality time with them. It's gonna' be so much fun!

.....And the summer continues.

Monday night Jimmy called a bartenders meeting and broke the news of my Hep C. There are and will be too many questions going around about my health and he felt that it would be better if the Bartenders and Bouncers heard it from us.

He did a nice job explaining whats happening. While Patty (my good friend and a Bartender) became weepy eyed I made sure my back was to her. I can't cry anymore. I have to keep my strength for the fighting this thing. But still the tears are there. I just keep fighting them back.

Is this going to get any easier?

Yesterday Jimmy traveled to Harrisburg where he resigned his seat with State Tavern Association. Next month he'll travel to Milwaukee to resign from the Nation Association. He decided that his priority is here with me while I go through therapy. But he loves politics and I'm affraid he's giving up something that he'll miss very much.

Part of me feels loved and cared for....the other part feels guilty because I don't want to become a burden on him. I don't want to be the reason he's quiting these things.

So many things have changed over the past few months and so many more things will change in the upcoming months.

I take a deep breath and keep going forward....

There is something good that happened last night! My 21 year old son, for the first time in his life, brought home a girl for me to meet!! That's unprecidentented! He's never brought home a girl before!

He's always told me that when he meets one worth bringing home he'll bring her. Now that he finally has I'm floored!

She's beautiful! She's smart and she has a wonderful personality. She's also been my son's best friend for about the past 5 or 6 years. He's claimed over and over again that they are "just friends". But something always told me that it was more.

I'm so happy for him!

Ok....So I survived the golf outing! I am so sore this morning that I learned a valuable lesson, Golfing is more physical than I thought!!

Jimmy and his buddy where great. Smiling when I missed the ball completely and patting me on the back when I hit it, even when I hit it completely off course! I guess they just got to the point where they were happy to see me hit the damned thing! lol

I think I'd like to learn more. Maybe we'll go to the driving range for practice.

All and all it was great and so were the guy's for putting up with me!

There are a few things that I'm having to recognize and finally admit.

Fatigue. It's hard on me because I've always been the "on the go" type of person and now I find myself completely wiped out early in the evening or late afternoon. Yesterday at about the 11th hole I began wondering to myself if I'd make it all the way.

By the time we were done I was ready to find a place to lay down.

Fatigue is starting to control what I can and can not do....and I know it's just going to get worse.

I hope not... I want to enjoy life from somewhere else other than my couch.

The second thing that I have to realize is that the fatigue makes me nauseous. I'm trying so hard to gain weight before I end up on chemo and loosing it....

The last thing that I have to realize is that drinking is now out of the question! I had a couple of beers yesterday ( I know I'm not supposed to, but I wanted to treat myself), they didn't help either the fatigue or the nausea! It was so much more worse because of them!

So....rest when I'm getting tired and NO DRINKING!!!!

lol....I am becoming more determined to kick this little Dragon's ass!!!

uhhh?

I don't find myself to be a stupid woman, and I know I'm new at all of this....but you would think that with my lab results in hand I would be able to decipher them!

Well it beats the hell of out of me!

When I spoke to my doctor on the phone he said that my viral load was "well over 4 million".

I've got copies of my lab work from my family Doctor. Went home and tried to look the results up on the net.....that's where confusion sets in. I just want a straight answer....how bad is this?

I won't be seeing the Doctor until July and I just don't want to wait.

Looking it up, there are formula's to calculate and explanations that seem to go in circles. It'll drive ya nuts just trying to figure it all out!

Here's what the lab work says :

HCV RNA by PCR, Qn rfx Geno
Hepatitis C Quantitation
3,970,000 IU/ml
HCV Log10 6.599 log10 IU/ml

Hepatitis Geno Type 1b

Ok, so I get the 1b part.... Is the viral load 3,970,000 IU/ml? Whats log10 and 6.599? And why would my Doctor think that the viral load is over 4 million when it looks to me like it's just under that?

Is this all bad or is it ok or good? Is the viral load medium or high? I know it's not low...but where does it stand in the total scheme of things?

Confusion sets in and my search for an education continues.

LOL.....I never said I wanted to be a doctor!! I rather like my peddy desk job, but if I have to carry this Dragon around with me I'd like to know how much she weighs and just how bad her temper is!

On the brighter side of life,today I hit my first golf ball (I've been corrected on the proper way to say that...I'm now proud to say that I know that you don't Shoot a golf ball...you hit it! :-) ) and tomorrow I'm actually playing in a full fledged golf tournament!!! lol....can you believe it! It seems like it going to fun! Jimmy and his buddy need a player on their team to make four, so he asked me!

O.M.G. What on earth was he thinking!!!!!

Wish me good luck! (hopefully I survive......poor Jimmy! Hopefully He survives!!!!)

Well up comes another reality. I'm afraid that I could loose my insurance.....

After 9 years of working for my company my boss is thinking about putting me as part time while I go through the chemo. And hiring someone to pick up the hours.

We don't know how I'm going to react to chemo yet..... I guess they just want to plan ahead.

I don't want to go part time. I've made it back to work 2 weeks after a hysterectomy. I've made it into work when I've been sick with colds, etc. The only time I've really missed work in 9 years was when I was either hospitalized and twice for migraine headaches or once for an abscessed tooth that swelled from my jaw to my chest. If I have a Doctors appointment I've try ed to schedule them off of work hours and then when I couldn't....I'd make it back to work as soon as I was done.

"Maybe I should have hid this from work.... maybe I should not have told them."

In my Company part time means loosing my Insurance. I can't afford chemo without it. I don't know anyone who could....

I told Jimmy last night that maybe we should consider not going through the therapy. But he knows my Liver won't survive much longer than a few years....he said it's not an option. I know it's not.....but I also know that without insurance we can't do it.

"I just don't know how much more "news" I can handle this year. I just don't know.
I can not go part time and loose my insurance."

I can not loose my job. As much as I hate the place sometimes....I love it and I love working with my best friend. For 9 years she's been my sister and at times my mother. I don't know how I could go through the next year without her across from me giving me strength and support.

I didn't expect this to be piled on top of everything else.

"Once again....I'm scared"

My future with Hep C becomes even darker and I haven't even started chemo yet.

Yesterday was a busy day. Got up in the morning bright and early. Did my regular morning stuff and out the door I flew. Went all the way down to my Doctors office believing that I had a 7:30 appointment with him. Walk in and the Nurse looked at me strangely. She finally told me that I was there on the wrong day!

Great....I know I have something to do....The Hospital!!!! I had to be at the Hospital for 8am to get the second Vaccine A shot! Back in the car and ran to the Hospital. When I got there the courier hadn't brought the vaccine over from the main pharmacy. So I had to wait while they sent for it. I didn't mind since I was lucky that I even remembered what I had to do that morning! lol ...I don't know where my mind is anymore.

Got the shot and off to work I went.

Since all of this has started, Jimmy and I have decided to get our Will taken care...and I wanted a Living Will drawn up. Not that I'll need it....but it just seems to me that I'd feel better if anything went wrong that he'd have my wishes on paper and the legal right to carry those wishes out.

So after work, it was off to the attorney's office.

By the time we hit home I was ready for bed....lol.

Now if I could just remember that the Doctors visit is really on Wednesday morning at 7:30 am! I write everything down....I just forget to read it!

Well it's done. We told the kids and their Father.

I think they took it well.

My youngest is the one I worry about the most. I'm not sure he understands what this is all about. But I know that he knows it's not good.

He fought with his tears and his emotions....I knew he would. He tries so hard to be tough.

I find myself wanting to teach him a lesson that I learned along time ago......

Our Tears don't compromise our strength.

I watched my Daughters face as she found her way through understanding. In her, I can always see the strength of my Grandmother. I find a great deal of comfort in knowing that she inherited that trait.

Now the only thing left to do in making sure that they are ok is to have them tested. I doubt very much they could have it.....I'd just feel better knowing 100% for sure that they don't.

Happy Mothers Day.

My Dragon

I found that Hep C has a nick name.

The Sleeping Dragon.

It's fitting... Strange thing is that I've always loved Dragons.

I guess I never could have imagined that I'd have one of my own.





Sunday is so coming fast. I hate the idea that it'll be Mothers Day when I tell the kids. But I can't put it off any longer. I need to know that they'll be ok and I guess I need them to know why Moms been so weird lately.

I pray for strength....

May 9th - Las Vegas

Wow....Las Vegas has been Beautiful!

We've been all over this City and still we only saw a small portion of it. Went gambling a few times and lost...of course. But boy it was fun!

My husband, who hated the thought of getting on a horse, took me to do what I mostly wanted to do here.....go riding. We went way out into the desert on a dinner ride. My horse was Jules...beautiful horse. He had "Buck". Lol, he wasn't too sure about the name, but Buck turned out to be very nice to him. Only problem though was that the tour guide put my husband at the back of the pack and put me at the front. Sucked. I'm not sure if he just wanted an experienced rider up front or if he wanted a lady to flirt with. Anyway the ride was beautiful and my husband became my hero! (swollen knees and all)

He's making sure that our Summer is fulfilling. I love him so dearly....he gives me strength just by the look in his eyes. He holds me up and I am so much better because of him. I am loved and I know it.....and my heart aches more every day as we come closer to the day that I will be "sick"...

We've been here 5 days and in a few hours it's time to go home. Part of me is ready ......another part wants to just hang here in limbo.

This Saturday we'll take the kids out to my father in laws house. He has a cabin on a small lake with 10 acres of gorgeous woods. He lives there alone since Jimmy's Mom passed away a few years ago of leukemia.

I Wish I could have met her.

My Father-in law has been having some trouble with his back and his foot. He's so stubborn that he'll never just relax and heal, so we're thinking that if we hang out there with him he'll behave for at least the day. Not to mention the kids will have a blast at the lake and in the woods.

Sunday is the day that I dread. The kids and their Father don't know about the Hep C yet. We wanted to get the Geno Type and Viral load back before we sat down to tell them. We thought we'd have some type of good news to tell them. When we got the news of Geno type 1b and the viral load....we decided to hold off until we came back from Vegas.

So Sunday is the day. We've invited my ex-husband to dinner and we'll sit down and break the news.

My ex makes a good ex. He doesn't drive me too nuts and we are all friends. He works hard at trying to be a good Father and while we don't always agree....we usually find our way through raising the kids. So, some Holidays he comes for Dinner. Since this is not a Holiday....he knows that somethings up. I need him to be there for the kids....I need him to see how they react so he'll know how to help them through this.....and i need him to know so that the kids can be tested.

My oldest son, Jonathan the 21 year old, already knows. He seemed to be fine at first....but then when we got the Geno type and viral load back I didn't realize how it would effect him. I really screwed up and told him in the Bar.

Oh, by the way.....we own a Bar. A 2 story Bar with a small restaurant. Kind of ironic since I can't even drink....lol.....it's iced tea for me!

I manage a Texas Holdem' tournament on Wednesday Nights and my son plays. While we were waiting for the players I told Jonathan about the test results and he began to cry. I felt like an insensitive bitch! I just didn't think.....

So, this Sunday, after Dinner.....with Jimmy and Jonathan at my side...I'll find the strength....I'll find the courage.....I'll tell my 2 youngest that I have Hep C.

I hate this.....it's just not fair.

We fly in a couple of hours.....and the wonderful world of Hep C is back rolling around in my mind. I really want to fast forwar through the next 2 years.

This is all a dream......it has to be

Wow....where do I start.
Life is going so fast that I'd really like to find the breaks for a little while.

This June will be our first Wedding Anniversary. Jimmy and I have been together for a little over 2 years. He is my rock and I love him so dearly.

I hate that he has to be faced with all of this. I know that he'd have it no other way....but still.....my heart aches for him.

I've had Fiber-Cystic decease pretty much all of my life. Surgery after surgery, it kept creeping up. So about 3 years ago they decided to give me a Hysterectomy. Doc. told me he left an ovary so I'd be fine. Cured...lol.

This last winter that ovary failed. No big deal, but I'm only 41 and everyone thought it best to put me on hormones for various reasons.

In doing so they sent me for blood work which included checking my liver enzymes which came back very high. It didn't bother me because I knew mine ran kinda high anyway. These however where way out there. So I was sent for Hep testing. Came back Hep C.

Hepatitis C. What the hell is that? Where did it come from?

A couple of weeks later more test results came back. 2 weeks just seem like such a long time to wait.

We hoped for the best.....but the tests came back with Geno Type 1b and a viral load of almost 5 million.

My world just crashed.

For the past almost 2 months now every emotion in the world has passed through me and while I'm learning to cope with it....it churns constantly through my brain. And hardest part is being told that I have only a 30% chance of beating this thing.

I'm going through the Hep A and B vaccines right now. I'm also trying to get my menopause under control. They say that I have to do these things in order to prepair for Chemo.

"Am I really talking about myself....I can't believe all of this"

Part of my preparation seems to be my need to run ahead of the clock. Trying to fill the summer with as much enjoyment and family as possible.

The big statement these days is "let's do it before I get sick".

"Maybe I won't get sick....maybe I can breeze through this...

......I'm scared"

So last weekend Jimmy and I traveled to Boston for his brothers' wedding. This Saturday we fly to Las Vegas. Next Month I'll take the kids to the Jersey Shore. In September we we'll all climb into a raft and go white water rafting in upper N.Y.

That along with the the odds and ends of the regular Summer events should keep my mind busy while I wait this incredibly long wait for treatment to begin. I'll be done with the Hep A and B vaccines by the end of September. Then it's a liver biopsy and Chemo after that.

But for now... I keep telling myself "You Are Strong, you can do this. You will do this and you will not give in to any of it".

Do you know what?

I am strong.

I will beat this.

.......and so the Summer begins.